The Sober Butterfly Podcast

Faithful Narratives: A Sober Author's Perspective on Honesty and Recovery with Angelica Roberts

• Nadine Benjamin

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Angelica Roberts grew up an avid reader and passionate storyteller with a natural acumen for writing. As a military kid who moved around often, she never felt like she belonged. That is until she attended Florida A&M University (FAMU), a historically black college/university (HBCU) for undergrad. Here, Angelica finally felt she had found a home and a strong sense of community. Still, it was also here that Angelica first started drinking alcohol, which led to years of active addiction and ultimately led to sobriety.

Join us for a conversation that goes beyond the surface, weaving together narratives of resilience, redemption, and the unwavering belief that honesty and faith can pave the way to a fulfilling life after addiction.

We also get into:

  • Exploring the complex relationship between artistic torment and alcohol as a means of expression and escape.
  • Labeling and stigmas, specifically identifying as an alcoholic
  • The importance and necessity of diverse stories in recovery
  • The value of forging a connection with your higher power
  • How honesty helps you get sober

To connect with Angelica:

Website: https://www.angelicarroberts.com/shop

The Root Cause, Book Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=POtByhnTsj4

Instagram: @Read.Write.Roberts

Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/stores/Angelica-R-Roberts/author/B0C897G8J4?ref=ap_rdr&isDramIntegrated=true&shoppingPortalEnabled=true


To connect with Nadine:

Stay connected with Nadine:

Resources from the Episode:

FREEBIE Beginner’s Guide to Dry January (e-book)

FREEBIE Guide to Quitting Alcohol - 30 Day Transformation (course)


Partners:

Drink Moment

Use Code TSB23 for 25% off your order

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Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services refereed to in this episode.

Hello and welcome to the show. My name is Nadine Mulvina and you are listening to the Sober Butterfly Podcast. TSB is all about diving into inspiring stories of personal growth, resilience, and transformation. Today we have a remarkable guest on the show, miss Angelica Roberts. Angelica Roberts is someone whose story and journey is not only inspiring, but a testament to the transformative power of honesty and faith. Something that really stood out to me in today's episode is how we get into some of the nuances of how alcoholism the disease evolves over time, and it's not always immediately apparent. And so I really appreciated Angelica shedding some light on the progressive nature of this formidable Adversary, understanding that it's not merely a choice, but it's actually a complex and dynamic journey, and we unpack some of the labeling and stigma that is also associated with walking around calling yourself an alcoholic. Not always cute. So I loved her fresh take on that and how important it is to just educate yourself around these terms, especially if you're going to label yourself. What I find interesting is that as an author, Angelica is obviously really creative and she's an artist, and there has been such a longstanding connection to this tortured artist archetype that we romanticize in society. So if you're interested in exploring the complex relationship between artistic torment and alcohol as a means of expression and escape, you also wanna check out this episode So whether you are personally affected by alcoholism or maybe you're supporting a loved one on their journey, or simply seeking a deeper understanding with some of the challenges involved, you're in the right place. I do wanna issue a trigger warning for today's episode. I'm so glad you're here. Let's get into today's episode.

Nadine (The Sober Butterfly):

Welcome Angelica Roberts to the sober butterfly podcast. We were just having a moment together backstage. Kicking, catching up, getting to know each other a little bit better, but I'm so happy and honored to have you here. I would love to hear a little bit more about your story and I'm just so inspired by you as an author. I'm an aspiring writer, so it's just so great to make connections with women who are creative and, creating a lane for themselves in the publishing world. You have two books and so we'll get into like all of that. Later, but I just wanted to like gut over you for a moment because I'm just so honored to have you here. So how

Angelica Roberts:

are you Angelica? I am wonderful. Thank you for having me. I was telling you, like you said, we kiki before your platform has been such a blessing being able to see women of color Who have the same experiences as me has been so helpful in my recovery journey. And I'm just so happy to talk to you. That's even one on one. I'm like, I feel like after this, I'm probably going to be calling you. It's like, what you doing girl. But

Nadine (The Sober Butterfly):

this is the beginning. This is just this, first of all, this was long overdue and just for people listening at home a little bit of context. So Angelica and I both went to FAMU together, Florida A& M University for college. And so I like to cite that because obviously, as you mentioned, like my platform is for everyone, but I really like to highlight women and women of color, like their stories. And I feel like. Even though we didn't know each other well, like we definitely hung around in similar circles at FAMU. But I don't know, do you feel like, because I had another guest, Faith Grant, episode one of this podcast actually, she also went to FAM, and we were just talking, do you feel like we had a typical college experience? Or what was your college experience like? Because I can tell you from my perspective, I was not focused on the academic side of school. I was very much interested in partying and being on the scene. So I'm just curious, since we have, attended the same school, I'm wondering if our experience was similar, or do you feel like, you had more balance in your life at FAMU?

Angelica Roberts:

I would definitely say I had balance. I was so excited to leave Maryland Leave my parents house and get down to fam. And I had a scholarship, a journalism scholarship, which kept me honest. Like I, I had to do some studying, but at the same time I was still out in the streets and I was still enjoying, the edge and the moon and all that good stuff.

really quickly. The edge and the moon are clubs that may or may not still exist in Tallahassee, Florida, where we went to school.

Angelica Roberts:

I definitely, had those times and was still involved like around campus, SGA, J school for those who don't know school of journalism. J school, so I will say that. I think I definitely had a very good balance. I was just so happy to be there and I'm sure maybe we'll get to it later. But that's the 1st time. I actually felt like I belonged and that people understood me. And so. It was just the best my dad used to say, or my family would say, is the best four years of your life. Most of them, a lot of them went to HBCUs and I'm like, ah, I dunno. But they were so true. They were so right. It was definitely the best four years, my case, five years

Nadine (The Sober Butterfly):

but it a little extra time. Yeah, just a little bit, that's incredible. We have some common threads there. I also felt like going to FAM U was the first time ever that I felt like I belonged. But I felt like I found my people, but in the same breath, it definitely sounds like you were more grounded, more focused than I was while there. I will say, though, I still surface level, like, to the outside people that didn't know me well. You could presume one could assume that I was someone that somewhat had my stuff together. I was also involved with student government. I was a student senator. I made decent grades and was able to graduate cum laude, but behind the scenes, my life was essentially in ruin, in ruination. It was very much like this duality that co existed for me. And so I like to always tell people my situation with alcohol, like my very first encounter with alcohol was problematic. The first time I ever got drunk at 13. Was a problem and it was this idea that like immediately I knew that alcohol was something that I couldn't manage It was very much. I want all of it and I want to feel something i'm wondering for you angelica What were some of your earlier associations or encounters with alcohol? Was that something that? You From a young age had exposure to like me at 13, or was it something that you found later on in adulthood?

Angelica Roberts:

Yeah so I actually found it at FAMU so growing up my immediate family, my dad, if he's watching a football game, maybe he, drink a couple of beers, but it was nothing in excess. Nobody in my immediate family, I would say we're heavy drinkers. Now, fast forward, there were times like, middle school, high school, I would, try to skip school and I remember trying to raid my dad or raiding my dad's liquor cabinet, me and a couple of friends. I think we were in 7th grade, they came over the house and I tried. I'm like, well, this is nasty. I don't want any more. And I would go to like high school parties and there would be beer around, but it was never anything that I was interested in until college. And in college, my first, I guess, experience was freshman year. They threw me a birthday party in October and there was alcohol there. And I enjoyed it at the time. It was still social for me though. Now, the moment that it became a problem was partly why it took me five years to graduate. 2009, right after I crossed, I pledged my sorority. I didn't have any money to go back to school. My scholarship and I was out of state coming from Maryland. I didn't have money to stay in school. So I had to take off a semester. And just like you, I was voted to be a student senator at Just Pledge, I was on top of the world. Grades were good, but now I can't come back fall semester. And so I went back to the D. C. Maryland, Virginia area worked for a semester, and then I returned. What was it? Spring 20. 2010, and I resumed my position in the student Senate, but in addition to it was I was an air force at Florida state. Now, finally, after all these years of trying to find myself growing up, following the death of my mother when I was 11 moving around so much because my family, my parents were in the military my safe haven had become FAM, but now here I am back, after taking that leave of absence, trying to reconnect with my line sisters, trying to find my space again in the student senate. And then now I have this new beast of ROTC at Florida State, these new kids, right, that I don't know, I had formed relationships at FAM, but not at Florida State. Well, it went from before drinking to be social to now I'm drinking to have confidence. Like I was drinking before. Six in the morning before PT or after PT before drill at Florida State, because I wanted to be louder and I wanted to blend in with the other kids. I was super shy. I was always shy. And for me, alcohol became a part of my confidence, what I needed to do to be confident. When I started making speeches and doing all that, I had to then take a fireball shot before all of these things. And, I am an alcoholic and for me, I believe I've always been an alcoholic, even though as a kid, I wasn't drinking the symptoms and the disease showed up in those moments in college though, and then it's a progressive disease. So from then on, it just got worse. So although my time at FAM, I say best four years that stint, not stint, but that time at Florida State where I was once again brought to that uncomfortable space, like I had been my whole life before FAM, I decided to drink to try to cover that up and be more confident again. So I'd say that in long story short that was actually a pivotal moment in my drinking career. That's when I realized, like, I was dependent on alcohol to get outside of myself. Yes,

Nadine (The Sober Butterfly):

and I can relate to that as well. A lot of people, I think, look at me and they think I'm super outgoing, and I actually am not. I'm more reserved than people believe or think. I even like to believe I was painfully shy as an only child growing up and like, if you even looked at me, I would blush. But when I got to FAMU as well, like, my 1st encounters being on campus was drinking and going to parties and I like that version of me. There's this interesting episode not to like. Don't write too much, but there's this episode Huberman lab. Do you know him or follow a Huberman lab? He's amazing. He's like this scientist and he has a neuroscientist and he has this podcast called Huberman lab But there's this one particular episode I will plug it in the show notes and I will also send it to you because it really helped transform the way I Recognize the symptoms of alcoholism because I also identify with being an alcoholic and it's this idea He gave this anecdote where it's like obviously we know the categorization or the category of alcohol is a depressant however, if you are someone that Gets turned on he uses this like quote turned on like a switch if alcohol makes you more alert and Energetic and outgoing that's actually pretty dangerous inherently It means that you have something within you that it's almost like The opposite should be happening. Like if you think about if you drink much you should be tired. You should be sleepy but people who tend to have You know, the expressive gene of alcoholism have those symptoms. So I can very much connect to that. I appreciate you, sharing that because I think so many people use alcohol as a social lubricant

Angelica Roberts:

to connect

Nadine (The Sober Butterfly):

with people. To, derail uncomfortable situations or feelings. For sure. And one other thing you said, like for people to PTs, what is PT exactly? Physical, like physical

Angelica Roberts:

exercise physical training. So in the mornings before everything else drill for ROTC, we would do pt. So we'd go out there and exercise and run and do all

Nadine (The Sober Butterfly):

that. So that's me, literally me thinking like GI Jane, like you're out there running pushups, drugs. Yeah. And you drink

Angelica Roberts:

before that. That's exactly what it's. Yeah, sometimes I would drink before then or I would wait. So after PT, I'd go home and put on my uniform because we would have flag duty. So I'd have to put the flag up and we'd march around Florida State or, just do different activities like that. And sometimes I would have to leave. And so here I am around these kids. Again, I'm familiar with FAMU and I have friends at FAMU, not so much Florida State, which is bigger. I don't see people, as many people who look like me, I'm more uncomfortable. So to get outside of myself I started, drinking before drill time, especially because I wanted to say, really loud. And I thought that drinking was the way for me to get outside of myself and not be so shy and be energetic and on my stuff. And man, like, even when I think about that time, it was just. Do you feel like

Nadine (The Sober Butterfly):

other people, A, knew what was going on? So let's isolate that to specifically other people in ROTC. Were other people drinking with you or did they know that you were drinking? No. No. Okay. So you were already being able to veil or keep this mask up.

Angelica Roberts:

I was, at least I thought I was now looking at it after so long of drinking, thinking you're hiding something, but people may have known, they may have smelled it on me and not said anything looking back on it. So I was on a ROTC scholarship and I didn't commission to go into the air force because we had to go before a board and basically tell them like why we deserve, to be. Officers in the military. I remember going before the board. I was drunk, I was drunk and I just started crying in front of the board of people. I mean, there's a colonel there, there's a major there, and it's like four or five people at the board and I'm telling them my experience and next thing I'm just crying. And I don't even remember what I said to them. I just remember. I'm like, dang, do they know at that? Did they know that I was like and nobody ever said anything. And when I got out of, I still had another year at FAMU. And I became known as. A partier in my sorority, we call it kick it. So I'm the one that will get people to come to the parties and do all that stuff. And it became like a running joke, at that point, people realize like, I like to drink, but nobody ever challenged me on it or said anything. At the same time, I was still able to keep my grades up. I was still able to fulfill my responsibilities. At that point, it was still fun. Maybe after this, my friends would be like, girl, it wasn't always fun. Like, maybe there's some stories that I don't know. There definitely have blackout moments, so in my head, I was having a good time, but in the disease of alcoholism we have truths and falses. That, that lies we tell ourselves, so very much could have had some rough moments and not remember, but overall, I think I was a good time.

Nadine (The Sober Butterfly):

And that sounds well under the unknown because I can't tell you how many blackouts I have and I will never know. The extent of how much I embarrass myself, God bless anyone that had to deal with me in those moments, because one thing I will say is I had people that looked out for me, even if they were drunk, I would always be the most drunk in the group, but, it's just this idea that like, I felt comfortable, such safe, although I was, forgoing my personal safety. I don't trust the people that I was with. However, that's not fair to other

Angelica Roberts:

people It's definitely not, and I did the same thing. I definitely did the same thing. So,

Nadine (The Sober Butterfly):

From the outside looking in, you have all of these things going for you. You graduate and I like to use graduation because that's usually such a milestone for people. You matriculate back into the real world. So what was that like for you? And at what point do you feel like your drinking went from? Oh, this is cool. This is like helping my confidence. This is helping me connect with people to, oh, maybe I need to take some inventory and maybe realizing that you actually had a problem with drinking.

Angelica Roberts:

So I didn't think I really had a problem with drinking. So my whole life I've had mental health challenges dating back to 11 when my mother passed and I've been in grief counseling. I've always been in therapy. And so for me at one point I was thinking that I'm drinking because I'm depressed. I'm drinking because of my mental health. And I didn't realize at the time that there are two separate, And that me drinking just made my mental health worse, honestly. And so when I graduated, I couldn't find a job print journalism, which is what I went to school for was suffering. We had bloggers and everything. So that was an added, I'm like, wow, I did so well. I had these internships now I can't get a job. So what did I do? I moved in with my great grandparents in Virginia and worked at a hotel part time until I found a job. But at that time, it still didn't click because now I'm working in D. C. later on. And they had happy hour. Oh my god, this is everything, okay? I worked at Living Social right after college after I couldn't find a job for about six months. I got hired there. And they would allow us to drink. At like 3 p. m, 4 p. m, we can go downstairs in the basement and we'll get our, like red wine and we can bring it up to our workstation and we can drink and we're having a good time. Okay, so not only am I drinking at work and it's okay, but then after work, I go hang with friends for happy hour. So it was okay. Now I noticed though. I did notice that I was having a problem because there were times when I would get to work early and sneak downstairs where they kept the wine and stuff, and I would drink before people came. I see, so I would be drunk before work and then 3 o'clock came when it was okay for us to drink and I would drink again. Like, I hadn't been drinking since first thing that morning. So I had done so many things like that, but still, I didn't think it was a problem. I still didn't think it was a problem. I thought that I would be able to stop if I wanted to, but because society was telling me it was okay, happy hours going out on the weekends work events. I was like, Oh, this is just a social thing. And I was lying to myself still. So that went on for years until 2020 came and I had to take a long look in the mirror because no longer did I have the excuse of it's social. Because I had nowhere to go. I'm stuck in the house now and so that's when things hit the fan was 2020.

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Angelica Roberts:

I

Nadine (The Sober Butterfly):

want to unpack a little bit of what you shared because you said some major gems there. This idea that society validates so much of our Problematic drinking, even if it doesn't have an official label, even if you're not say an alcoholic, you're a gray area drinker, whatever it may be. I felt connected to that piece because my whole environment, right? Once again, I'm choosing someone to place myself in these environments, but my environments are essentially telling me it's okay. Everyone's drinking. What's the big deal. But I think Inside, internally, subconsciously, I did recognize that maybe I was still doing too much, like, even though everyone was doing it, like, I also had those aha moments, like, you mentioned, you go to work a little early now, so it's like, you already have the green clearance to drink at work, but like, now you're pushing the envelope even more, like, I would do similar things like that, where it's like, I already have Know that everyone's going to be drinking, but I'm going to pre pregame extra hard or I'm going to take even more drinks. I think the real danger for me is that once I am drunk, the threshold has been completely breached and now I'm more susceptible to trying and experimenting with drugs and the risky type behaviors. So that's for me, just to parallel your story. I know you're getting to 2020, which is like the biggest. Moment pivotal moment and I think so many people's recent life. Yes, exactly. So tell 2020 comes and you're forced to address some of your problems because what else are you supposed to do at that time?

Angelica Roberts:

Exactly right. I mean, 2020 came and. Again, I had, I wasn't, I've been in therapy and I'm a big retreat girl, like meditation retreat. I've always been like that. Church girl, like I would go to church. Now the issue was I would do these things cause it felt good in the moment, but I wouldn't go home and do the work. Oh, it felt good in the moment. It was like a checkbox, like a checkmark in my boxes. But I wasn't. Practicing what I was learning. And so when 2020 came around it was fun for a few months. I was ordering DoorDash like crazy and they wouldn't make me buy food in order to buy the alcohol. And I'm like, throw in a croissant, like throw in an appetizer. So I'm just getting me the liquor. And it just got like, the days just got long. I talked to my therapist, I was lying to my therapist. I told her, I'm drinking excessively. But she's still not recognizing that it's a problem because I'm not being totally transparent. Instead, I get an emotional support dog. I go on my retreats. I, attend service online. And until one day I decided to take a personal trip to Austin, Texas. And I'm like, Oh, just get away for the weekend. Right. So I go to Austin. I'm like, I'm not going to drink this weekend. Ended up going out to the pool with like three guy and two girls that were at the pool and started drinking the next day. I I had work. It was Monday. And I was working for an airline at the time. So I had free flights and I had missed my flight. So I'm freaking out because I overslept. I have a meeting all day. I got to get back to Dallas, which is a few hours away from Austin. So I Ubered all the way back from Austin to Dallas, all the way back. And when I got home. One of my best friends, my friends were calling me, they were like, are you good? I'm like, yeah, what are you talking about? Blacked out in Austin, totally blacked out. They're telling me that when I got home, I worked for the day. Then I laid down and I woke up because there was a loud banging noise. And usually my dog would bark if somebody was at the door, even he was knocked out. So I get to the door and there's police right there. There's police. At my door and my best friend was with them. It was a welfare check because I had said some crazy stuff when I was in Austin, when I was drunk, not only that, but my friend she was like, what really happened? And I'm like, what do you mean? I don't know. Come to find out people found me drunk in an elevator. I don't remember that. Yeah. And apparently like my friend I had called some friends and was talking, crazy. And they called the hotel and the hotel kind of told them they found me in an elevator and I got home and, Ooh, my God. Like when I think about the harmful position I put myself in, anything could have happened, I'm grateful that the hotel made sure I got to my room safely, but that, that was eyeopening. And at that point I lived away from family for so long that they didn't really know what was going on. They'd get drunk calls from me sometimes, but they didn't know the extent of my drinking. And that was definitely eyeopening. And. For my front, my friendships, my relationship started to really suffer. And yeah, I mean, that was probably the moment when I had to look at myself like, well, hearing about what I did in Austin by myself, I'm like, Oh my God. Like, I'm thank God

Nadine (The Sober Butterfly):

I'm alive. Yeah, thank God. And I think the real intel is when you tell yourself or you set that boundary for yourself. You're like, Oh, I'm not going to drink this weekend. She's going to be a little cute weekend in Austin and the end of being one of the most dangerous situations that you could probably put yourself in now the police are at your door because your friend is afraid that like your safety and well being is, in jeopardy. Yeah, so I had a similar situation. I won't go into full detail, but same thing. I'm not going to drink again. I had two weeks of sobriety under my belt, went to, of all places, Atlantic City, and did everything under the sun. And that was like, in a nutshell, my aha, I'll call it like a come to Jesus moment because I'm like, You can't even respect yourself to yourself, right? You say you're going to do something because before, like, it was always like a set parameter, like, oh, I'm going to take a little break for dry January or a little two week detox. But it's like, you couldn't even go two days a weekend. Like, come on. That is sometimes a beautiful lesson, I guess. But as you're living through it. It's terrifying.

Angelica Roberts:

It's very terrifying. And I'm like you, where you said that you've always had friends around who've had your back. That was the same with me. I've always had people looking out for me, making sure I was okay. Well, now this solo trip, it's just me against the world. And so that was that's when I think I finally came to terms with no, I'm not drinking because I'm sad and depressed. I'm drinking because I have a problem. Yeah, I have this mental health stuff, but I also now have this alcoholism and I actively tried getting help for it. But I still thought I could control it until 22 again, when my family started getting really concerned and I stayed with my grandmother for a few months and was sneaking and drinking. Then she told me a story. That I guess I had been driving and I came home really late and I almost drove through her

Nadine (The Sober Butterfly):

garage. Oh my God.

Angelica Roberts:

Yeah. Yeah. Cause I made amends to her and and I asked her, I'm like, is there anything else? And she said that was terrifying for her. And I didn't even know that happened again, blackout. And I'm, putting other people in danger now at this point, well, been putting people in danger, but. You had

Nadine (The Sober Butterfly):

mentioned that some of your relationships suffered, and I was just curious if you could go a little bit in depth there because, and for those who are not familiar, like, making amends is recommended as 1 of the 12 steps or it's a part of the process and that's a part of associated with Alcoholics Anonymous, and I was just in

Angelica Roberts:

a meeting last week, and It was interesting

Nadine (The Sober Butterfly):

because someone said, like, did you make amends to yourself? Right? Like we make amends to other people for some of the damages that we cause, emotional, physical, financial, whatever. But do you or did you make amends to yourself and how were your relationships when you were really in the throes of your suffering and your addiction?

Angelica Roberts:

Oh my God, no, I've never made amends to myself, but I'm glad that you brought that up because I need to do that. When I

Nadine (The Sober Butterfly):

heard it, I was like oh, yeah. Yeah. It's just as important. Honestly, like your relationship with self is probably one of the most important relationships that you maintain. We get so like in the weeds. As we should, because we care about people that care about us and we've hurt people along the way, but like you citing that story with your grandma is a perfect example of that, but in general, how are your relationships during this time? Did you feel like. You lost any friends? People talk about losing friends in sobriety sometimes. I'm wondering, did you lose friends? When you were suffering with alcoholism,

Angelica Roberts:

I did, I lost my friend that brought the police to my door. We've been friends since FAMU we lived together in a few States. I mean, we were like joined at the hip and we're no longer in communication. Shortly after that moment, when the police came she distanced herself, which I understand, I reached out to again, like make amends. With her and she isn't interested at this time which I completely understand respect But yeah, my other relationships did suffer a bit, I put people in uncomfortable situations gratefully Everybody has accepted my amends. So I've made amends to so I was a part of a women's recovery program called the Magdalene's house here in Dallas, and in that program, it was a 3 month program that I started in January 2021, 3 months. And we had a graduation and after all, like my graduations from middle school, high school, college and accolades that I've gotten, it was so beautiful to see virtually all my friends who showed up, line sisters, family from all over, like the women in the recovery house, they were like, Whoa, like you have a lot of representation here and I'm like, it's nothing but God. At one point I really took me. My support system for granted I took these people for granted. I didn't I always felt like I was alone Nobody understood me. Nobody cared and since to look out and see all in my dad He was in town for my graduation. He lives in Ohio now He was a part of the family support group every Wednesday My aunt she was there. She stopped drinking and support for me And so overall, the support and the love despite all the harm and uncomfortability that I've caused so many people they still show me grace in love. And I mean, it's just it's a blessing. Cause I know not everybody does have that. And I did lose my best friend. I don't want to say lose. That relationship did suffer and I do, I'm accountable for that. But I am very grateful that in the whole, I've been well received and loved on. You have so many

Nadine (The Sober Butterfly):

people who love you, and I think the most difficult, because I've also lost people based off of my past actions and my poor choices when I was drunk blackout, whatever it may be. But I always, still give grace and thanks, not even just give grace to who I was then, but also just give thanks for like that relationship. Period. The fact that I have them in my life, or that season of life, and who's to say, like, what the next season will bring, is beautiful to me. And I have to, like, you already said it, like, you have to respect people's choices, their boundaries. And it doesn't mean the love is lost. It's just like, right now, maybe not the best.

Angelica Roberts:

That's why I had to stop myself from saying I lost a friend because, like you said, the seasons, who knows, maybe we'll reconnect later in life. Maybe we'll finally be able to have a conversation if she's open to it. I'm still in my prayers and still thinking, about our friendship and her. So who, who knows? That's

Nadine (The Sober Butterfly):

beautiful. I'm curious because you are an author. And you're a creative and there's such a strong link. A romanticized link, I will say, just to make that clear between,

Angelica Roberts:

I know exactly

Nadine (The Sober Butterfly):

right. Creativity being an artist and. drinking alcohol. And I used to think, I was more creative just like I used to think I was more outgoing, whatever, funnier, all the things under the influence. How has your art been reflected or how has it changed since getting sober versus drinking and writing? Because there is this like, right? There's this like, to like this idea that like, You have to be a tortured artist and like that coming away was a raging alcoholic. So I don't know.

Angelica Roberts:

Yeah. That whole getting outside of yourself, which I did, for so many years to. To try to tap into this space that wasn't coming to me freely. I definitely did drink. I said that I was a better writer when I drank. I need this. And then what ended up looking at it, I would drink and then not write. Like I'd be so turned up, I'd black out and go to sleep. Like I didn't even write. So

Nadine (The Sober Butterfly):

that's amazing.

Angelica Roberts:

I mean, and then like in the beginning, so I grew up reading, I grew up writing. That was my thing. My first published poem, I was like 10 or something. At FAM before I started drinking heavily in J school. I was still writing. I was still. Loving it. And then all of a sudden this, alcohol had such a pull on me. Now I'm thinking I'm a better writer when I'm drunk, but I was drinking, I was reading and writing well before ever really introduced to alcohol. And so, yeah, I was. And again, that was, that's the lie that I was telling myself. And so I was scared going into, I did write my first book Vendetta that came out in 2017. I was very much drinking during that time. And I started that second book right after at that time. I was also in grad school. Yeah.

Nadine (The Sober Butterfly):

And so

Angelica Roberts:

I started writing the second one shortly after Vendetta came out, the root cause, which you just showed. And again, I was drinking. I never could finish a chapter. Same thing with grad school. I was in grad school and getting out of classes because I couldn't concentrate because I was so busy drinking and doing whatever I was doing. And finally, like, when I went through recovery in 2021. And I had those honest conversations with myself, and I realized that I was, I had been a good writer, and I realized that the stuff that I had been telling myself for the last 10 years were lies. And so really being able to take a deep look in the mirror Was so pivotal in me finishing the second book and coming out with it, and I love Vendetta but I love the root cause because I did it without you know this aid of alcohol like I was able to push through And tap into a new voice as a writer that I hadn't tapped into yet And I'm just very proud of it. I'm proud to say like I did it without the liquor, like, and that I wasn't a portrait artist for this one. And That's so beautiful.

Nadine (The Sober Butterfly):

I feel like when you get sober, when you remove whatever you're addicted to, because I believe, everyone has addictions in our case, alcohol. So when you peel back those layers, it's like, you're obviously like letting go of weight, but it's almost like Regressing in a good way back to that childhood moment where you, like you said, you publish your first poem at 10 years old, like 10, you weren't drinking that creative seed still lives in you, but sometimes it can be so like, crowded by just the noise of everything else that's going on, or really the inner voice that we tell ourselves, right? Like, that's the ego that self hating. Very critical inner voice, at least for myself is like, Oh, but I need this. I need this. And it's like, actually you don't. And I'm sure you viewed those pages sober the next day after drinking, you're like, wait, what did I even, what is this?

Angelica Roberts:

It didn't make any sense. I mean, and I believe in free writing when you free, right? There's going to be errors, punctuation and stuff. But for me, they were like, 20 different scenes in one paragraph. I'm like, wait, how did I get here? Sometimes it made sense. I will say sometimes it didn't make sense. It didn't make sense, but it just didn't feel

Nadine (The Sober Butterfly):

good. Yeah, it didn't feel right. That makes a lot of sense. It's I read it in the forward or the acknowledgement. Of your book, and this is specific to the root cause you said, I would first like to give thanks to God who gifted me with a talent, love and desire to write what else do you feel like God has gifted you with especially in terms of where you are today, this is under our sober transformation series, so I'm just curious, like, what else do you owe to God?

Angelica Roberts:

Life. I mean, I'm about to get emotional. I'm not going to do it. So, for I'm grateful to my grandmother because she gave me the foundation of God and I am a Christian. And for so long, I'm like, I'll be okay'cause I know God. And then I got into recovery and it's like, if God, why are you drinking? Why are you depending on alcohol? Like if you're higher power in this case is God and for me, Jesus. Why? When you're sad you depend on alcohol instead of going to him. Why? When you know you're having difficulty writing. Or being in social settings or have a fear of something. Why instead of praying, if you say that's who you, that's your higher power, why are you making a higher power alcohol? And I realized, like, and you get liquor stores that say, it says like spirits. And all these and it's like

Nadine (The Sober Butterfly):

spirits Wait, i'm, sorry. I cut you off. Can you tell them about the

Angelica Roberts:

spirit? I mean the spirits Jekyll and Hyde it mentions it in What AA uses is called the big book it talks about in the beginning like, Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Mr. Hyde, Jekyll, whatever. And that's how I was, like I would be really good and next thing I would just flip the script. And it's because that spirit that was found in these bottles had taken over. It's what I identify it as. And so for me, it was pivotal. Like I was a little arrogant as going through early recovery, like the first couple of weeks. I was very, like step one is a mid and then, you have to have a higher power. I'm like, Oh, I know God. And then I relapsed two weeks later. And that's when I realized like, I need to, if I say this is my higher power, I need to practice and I need to give everything over to him. And so that's what I started doing. I started praying instead of drinking. When, sometimes you get home from work and it was a long day and like, I need a drink. Now I would start saying, I need to pray. Like I need to pray. Like I, I changed my mind. That mental obsession that I had, I just had to change it. And so when you ask me, what has God, I mean, he saved me. I, it's not fun to say I'm an alcoholic. It's not cute, but it is my story. And I do feel like God sometimes puts you through or has certain things happen for you to be a testimony and to be able to help other people. And so I'm just grateful that he has given me a strong support system to overcome it. And he's remained true because of him this year. I mean, released my book, I graduated from my master's program. I, girl, I mean, I was laid off of work and two days later I had a new job offer. This year, I mean, I can go on and on about the ways he has shown up for me this year. And most importantly, my bad days are not as bad as they used to be. Like I used to think it was the end of the world for some things. And now I'm like, you know what they say, give it to God. That's, that's who is my higher power. I'm going to give it to him. And I'm just going to keep on going because I don't have control. The serenity prayer, I don't have control. I can just accept it and move on. And so that has been so important and crucial to my personal development, my recovery just everything. God has given me everything. That's so beautiful.

Nadine (The Sober Butterfly):

Angelica. I don't even know where to start based off of what you said, but there's so many like deep seeds that I connect with there. Humility is a big piece. It's not cute to walk around being like, yeah, I'm an alcoholic. Like it's not cute. But to your point, Your vessels, right? Like we have a greater and it's to help inspire people. It's to help, save lives sometimes. Like, that's just me. So, yes, if I have to, like, take a, like, swallow my ego and be like, yes, like, I, I'm an alcoholic. I have a problem with alcohol. Like, I can't drink and that helps someone else. And so be it. I love this idea of, like, the, yeah. or the, yeah, the connection you thought you had with your higher power, which is God, you actually had to reframe it because you realized that if the relationship was solid, the way you thought it was solid, then why did you feel like you had to lean on alcohol instead of leaning on him? And I think that's so powerful. That's the one thing I would say I've learned the most in this process of sobriety and recovery, which is, Finding and healing my relationship with my higher power because I was so angry, jaded. And that was a big part of why I drank too. It was just like, well, no one has my back like that. Like I, and when I mean, no one had my back, like, of course I had friends and family to support and lean on. But what I believe the spirit going back to what you had shared about spirits, right? Like the spirit lives within, I believe myself and everyone has a spirit. It was being altered, right? Just like my state of consciousness was being altered when I drank, so was my spirit. And so I, there was this big void I felt like I was walking around with, and it's because I wasn't in tune with myself and I wasn't in tune with my higher power. And so that has been my biggest. Blessing and take away. So thank you so much for sharing all of that. And I'm so just like inspired by your transformation and hearing parts of your story because a lot of it grounds my decision to get sober. It has been the greatest decision. And when you should. Like, you've, you've graduated multiple times, you have these accolades, but having that moment with other sober women than your sober home, your sober house is like, that's one of your proudest moments is so incredible. And the fact that so many people that love you showed up for that moment is just further, I think, confirmation that you are on the right path and you were, living in your purpose and that is just amazing to hear

Angelica Roberts:

and see. Thank you. And I'm like you, like, when I go to these meetings and I meet other people who have the same struggles. The thing is, like, I have made friends now, people who I probably never would have been friends with before just off of, like, different demographics, backgrounds, and these people get me more than people, that have known me for years. And so it's really beautiful being able to talk to People who are newly sober or just now in recovery, as well as people who have been in recovery for extensive amount of time you're always reminded of where you were, versus where you are now. I think it helps both ways to help. To see and talk to that new person who's in recovery versus that person who has been in recovery for a while. There's just so many beautiful stories and I, at first I'm like, I don't want anybody to know I don't, I'm ashamed, but I realized that the more I've talked about it, the more people have reached out and asking, from my experience or advice in a way. And so I'm just grateful. Like, if there's just one person, that I can help, then I'm good,

Nadine (The Sober Butterfly):

well, I know for a fact, you're helping more than one person and people sometimes need to see themselves in you, which is why this is so important. This visibility and we were talking earlier. Behind the scenes about just like how there's less visibility, there's less us Black women, especially in these spaces, talking openly about what it's like to suffer from a disease like alcoholism, right? And it's like you said, This shame that I used to carry around, I no longer carry it with me. But that is where the disease lay for me. That's where the sickness was, in shame. Not wanting to admit that I had a problem because that would mean that I am the problem. When in reality, it's not me. It's this disease. It's the substance. And so I just really love that you're not afraid to share your truth and anyone that judges. I mean, we know this people that judge usually they judge because they are suffering from something similar, or they see themselves in that. situation.

Angelica Roberts:

The joy that I have, I never thought I could have this joy. I never thought I could have this peace and the happiness that I have never thought I could have it. And so I really don't care. When you talk about people judging or anything, it doesn't phase me.

Nadine (The Sober Butterfly):

And it shouldn't phase you. I would just like to wrap by asking what piece of advice would you give to maybe a younger Angelica or just someone who is, let's go back to 2020, right? You referenced that as being like the moment, the defining moment where you were forced to reckon with yourself. So what piece of advice do you feel like could have helped you the most or could help someone else who is maybe. Suffering, but less willing to act.

Angelica Roberts:

The piece of advice I'd give would be what was instrumental in my recovery was honesty. Was looking in the mirror and taking in account of everything that I had done. Why did I do it? Like getting, to The root cause of my situation getting to, and it's so funny that has the title, but and in the root cause, let me say this to one of the characters is an alcoholic. It was important to me to have a character in it. As I was writing it through recovery to have someone who was an alcoholic. So that's in the book as well. But for me, my advice would be to definitely look in the mirror and be honest with yourself. And then also because it is a very, the stigma and the shame behind it, it would be to. Find people who have I didn't, identical struggles, similar struggles as you because like you said, like your platform, you have people deeming you sometimes when I speak about it, I had people who messaged me and so look at social media. That's the beauty of social media is you'll be able to find someone. If you have questions after you've been honest with yourself about what's going on, If you see somebody online who remind you of yourself, reach out to them, get more information. What was so important for me was the word alcoholic sometimes was funny. Girl, you alcoholic, like you're an alcoholic, like it's fun, but for me, I didn't truly identify until I knew what that disease was about. And so for me, education is key. Like look and see if you've had even a question reach out to somebody, get that information, be honest with yourself and then finally be willing to change. It's uncomfortable. It's, there's fear behind changing, but in order to grow, you have to be uncomfortable. So I'd say those three things. I love that so much.

Nadine (The Sober Butterfly):

The honesty piece is integral as is reaching out and finding people. Cause I honestly, before I got sober, I didn't know anyone that was sober. And now I know. 1, 000, 001 people who are

Angelica Roberts:

so I mean, I had gone to meetings, but these were strangers. I didn't know anybody personally. And so again, like you said, and so that's why online social media is really great because you can connect with those people.

Nadine (The Sober Butterfly):

Yes. And people. Want to help. That's the other piece. I am just so thankful that we have this conversation, even you and I, like reconnecting with each other. It's like we reconnected via Instagram, right? So if we weren't talking about this or like we didn't have the transparency, then like, I would never know that you were sober, right? Like

Angelica Roberts:

I would never known you. So I have to say thank God for Joey Agboula because when he's part of he's been super supportive of me. And when I told him, my struggles and he mentioned Nadine and you should follow and I started following and I'm like, thank you Joey Like this is you know, especially in early recoveries when I started following you I needed to see your post and your funny memes because at the end of the day I have to laugh at myself some of The stuff that I did some of it, you know I'm like, wow, I really did that and I appreciate your platform because yes, you're very serious you know, but you also take a kind of a light approach to some of it too. I mean, we're human And so there's no, it's not going to help beating ourselves up every day. How can you do that? Like, it's, so it's nice to see some of your posts. Some of it make me laugh. Thank you. I think laughter is the best medicine. As you referenced the serenity

Nadine (The Sober Butterfly):

prayer earlier, it's like, okay, those things are out of my control. That's the past. Like, I gotta let that go. And moving forward this is, I'm going to do better because I know better, but also There are funny moments there, because the ones I remember, I'm like, girl, come on.

Angelica Roberts:

When I go to meetings, sometimes we'll go around and we're like, Oh, you did that too. I'm like, I did that too. It

Nadine (The Sober Butterfly):

wasn't terminally unique or ununique. It's just this idea that we all think that like, Oh my God, no one else has ever done this. Yeah. You're in a room full of people who have done that 10 times. I did that too, right? Okay, great. I'm not alone.

Angelica Roberts:

I'm not alone. And that's another thing, for anybody who, may not even identify as like an alcoholic, but wants to get sober All of it, you can still learn from like AA, you can still learn from those groups and just education because again, they talk about like how you might not be an alcoholic, you might be a hard drinker, this drink or whatever. But again, just finding that information will be so key and to know that you're not alone. The

Nadine (The Sober Butterfly):

word alcoholic is intimidating and it almost scared me out of the

Angelica Roberts:

rooms. And to be

Nadine (The Sober Butterfly):

real, sometimes I'm like, am I an alcoholic? I still grapple with the term alcoholic. Like, and it's a tricky word to even like, if you look up, am I an alcoholic or what it means? It's like, it's one of the only diseases that you self diagnose yourself pretty much. It's like really easy. You'd be like maybe not.

Angelica Roberts:

Yeah. At the same time,

Nadine (The Sober Butterfly):

I would rather a million times walk around telling myself and telling other people I'm an alcoholic so that I don't go back to how I was because like that was my life was unmanageable, like definition of unmanageable than delude myself into believing I'm not an alcoholic and I can moderately drink or responsibly drink. When time and time again I've proven to myself that's impossible. So, but yeah, I thank you for bringing that up because you don't have to like identify per se as being an alcoholic to access to that support group. And that those places.

Angelica Roberts:

Right, exactly. Cause I'm like you, like that's a word that is very strong and people are like, Ooh, I don't want to, and I was like that for a long time. I'm like, I'm already suffering from depression, anxiety, this, I don't want to add another label. Like I do not want to add another label, but

Nadine (The Sober Butterfly):

now

Angelica Roberts:

I'm like, I'll go ahead and put that down. I'm good. I feel great now. I realized that every day is different. And it's, it's a lifelong kind of lifestyle commitment and change. But do whatever works for you. That, that I'm a big, and that's why they say like a higher power. They don't like to say, some people may not serve God or Jesus or whatever. It can be hard and can turn people away. And so for me, I'm like, whatever. You connect with whatever speaks to you for you not to drink or for you to just be a better version of yourself. I support,

Nadine (The Sober Butterfly):

amen. Like literally people have very loose definitions of their higher power. That's not the critique. That's the judgment. It's like whatever works for you, like literally you work it. So just

Angelica Roberts:

whatever works for you. Yeah. I'm not judge or jury. I mean, I'm just happy you're happy. You're glowed up. You're Doing well, your life is manageable and you could go

Nadine (The Sober Butterfly):

for it. Yeah.

Angelica Roberts:

So I can talk to you forever No,

Nadine (The Sober Butterfly):

I know Like this is just the

Angelica Roberts:

beginning.

Nadine (The Sober Butterfly):

When this episode drops it will be 2024. So the beginning of a new year what are you excited about? What can we learn from Angelica? What's new? Cause you've already written two books, which is just incredible. Is there anything else, any other projects you have in the development phase at this time?

Angelica Roberts:

So, I say 2021 was recovery year. I'm getting mine. Body, spirit doing a lot of self reflection, self growth, personal development. 20 I'm sorry, that was 2022. And then 2023, this year, was seeing some of the fruits of my labor come to life. And then, so for 2024, it's to still grow from everything that I've learned. I finally found a church home here in Dallas, and so getting more active in church. Getting more active in my community sorority it's to really make Dallas home for me. My sister just moved here, which is amazing. And so thank you. I'm so happy. And so I feel like more rooted here now than I have before. So really it's just to stay rooted, still writing. Of course, I'm working on my third. I would love to get into film and television, getting my books picked up. So learning more about that industry, even though I've graduated, I'm not in school anymore, still wanting to learn. So, that's what I'm looking forward to. People, and I've said this too, this is my season. This is my season. I am, I want every year to be my season. Like, thank you. This

Nadine (The Sober Butterfly):

is forever

Angelica Roberts:

season. Yeah. Like my life is a season. Okay. So that's what I'm looking forward to is just to continue to get better and better, understand myself more and help. Help others. That's huge. Because people have helped me and in

Nadine (The Sober Butterfly):

this conversation, you've helped me. I already have so much to think about it's just so I can't tell you the best part of sobriety aside from me, finding a higher power and connecting with myself. It's really connecting with other people who understand what it's like. And as you mentioned before, just having. People from different walks of life that maybe you never would have connected to, with the exception that you have this common, like, it's not even a problem. It's a common opportunity to really pivot and do better and help others. So Thank you for everything you've

Angelica Roberts:

done for your platform, for inviting me on. I constantly learn more from you and I'm just really grateful. I've shared your from women of color who went through my recovery program or in the house, I have shared the silver butterfly with them. I'm like, you should follow her. You should follow this platform. And so I am definitely always going to champion you and support and I'm just grateful for you. I'm so grateful for you

Nadine (The Sober Butterfly):

too. And thank you for sharing. And I'm going to share all of your contacts as well, where they can find you. Angelica Roberts, thank you for coming on. Everyone check the show notes so that you can learn more and pick up Angelica's recent book, The Root Cause. I'm here. I will also put a link in the show notes because this is incredible. And thank you for representation as well. I think it's really important to showcase how alcoholism can manifest in various forms. And so it's, I'm really happy that you also have a character in the book that has.

Angelica Roberts:

Alcoholism as well. And she's funny too. Like how we have funny stories goes. Yes. She funny

Nadine (The Sober Butterfly):

we so love it. Thank you so much for coming on and thank you.

Angelica Roberts:

And I'll talk to you soon. For sure.

Okay guys. So that's all I have to share. Thank you for being here, and thank you for allowing me to hold space in your day as you listen to this podcast. If you enjoyed today's episode, please, please do me a favor and one, make sure you're following the show so that you can stay up to date with everything else that's happening. And two. Please, please leave a review as it helps more people find the show. I would appreciate even more if it's a five star review, but do what's right for you. Do what you think I deserve, thank you so much, and I'll see you next week. Bye bye.