The Sober Butterfly Podcast

Learning to Truly Love Yourself in Sobriety

• Nadine Benjamin

Share episode

Send us a text

This episode of The Sober Butterfly podcast explores the profound journey of self-love within the context of sobriety. Join Nadine as she delves into the transformative power of embracing all parts of oneself: the good, the bad, and the ugly, while cultivating compassion, and discovering authentic love in this journey of sobriety.

We also get into:

  • Embracing Vulnerability: Acknowledging the challenges and vulnerabilities on the path to sobriety is the first step towards self-love.
  • Cultivating Compassion: Learning to treat oneself with kindness and understanding, especially during difficult moments, is essential for nurturing self-love.
  • Uncovering Authenticity: Sobriety provides an opportunity to rediscover and embrace one's true self, free from the constraints of addiction.
  • Seeking Support: Surrounding oneself with a supportive community and seeking professional help can aid in the cultivation of self-love and sobriety.

To connect with Nadine:

Resources from the Episode:

FREEBIE Guide to Quitting Alcohol - 30 Day Transformation (course)

Partners:

Drink Moment

Use Code TSB23 for 25% off your order

Audible

Free 30 Day Trial

https://www.audibletrial.com/tsb24

Thanks for tuning in! New episodes premiere every Wednesday !

Support the show

Support the show

Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services refereed to in this episode.

Nadine Mulvina:

You are worthy of love and belonging, regardless of your past mistakes or struggles. Sobriety is not just about abstaining from a substance. It's about reclaiming your life and learning to love yourself unconditionally. If you don't love yourself, no one else will. Not in the way that you deserve, at least. Hi friends, and welcome to a new episode of The Sober Butterfly. To be completely honest, this week's episode is on a whim. I had a totally different episode lined up for us, but I felt like there were many universal signs pointing me in a different direction. And this year, 2024, I'm all about flowing, not forcing. So I'm like, you know what, let me just hit record. Let me just see what comes out. And I hope it's good. I do have A very clear focus for today, which is all about self love and how sobriety has led me to feeling more confident and self assured and just loving myself, all parts of myself, the good, the bad, the ugly. Before I got sober, and even in the beginning of my sobriety, like the first few months, I definitely saw self love as bubble baths, long showers. affirmations and all like the cutesy things that we associate with loving yourself and self care, but it's more than that. It's more about acceptance. Accepting who you are, the good, the bad, the ugly. This is not a how to guide. It's just what I have done successfully in my own life that I would love to see more people cultivate in their lives because I feel better. And when I feel better, I am better. I show up for people in a better, more meaningful way. But before I get to that, I just want to quickly explain how this episode was inspired. It was inspired by true events. So a culmination of things. A friend of mine has a podcast called The Lovatia Experience, and she is phenomenal. You have to listen to her podcast. It's a sex positive podcast. And her and I bonded when we first met. Over the fact that we were celibate and it was almost like an accidental period of celibacy. That was also Intentional. I know it's a whole thing Anyway, she interviewed me for her podcast and that episode is available now So I will link that in the show notes in case anyone wants to hear it Just hearing myself talk about what life looked like in the throes of my addiction Especially in regards to dating, especially in regards to my self worth and my lack of self love. It's just twofold to see how much I have grown since then and sobriety is like the number one thing that I can attribute to that growth and then obviously this week If you're listening in real time is Valentine's Day. So just those separate entities have inspired me to think through today's episode and kind of changing up the order of things. So I hope that's okay with you guys. Please today indulge me as I go into self love. And sobriety. One of the most important relationships you can have is with yourself. I think so many of us, so many of us in terms of like people who had an addiction, we feel so bad about the wrongdoings we've done other people that we forget that we have done wrong to ourselves. Right? So it's important to be compassionate and nurturing. It is very much about healing the relationship with yourself. And that's something that was really difficult for me, because so much of my life before getting sober was focused on relationships with other people and not so much about my relationship with myself. In fact, one could argue, I was using alcohol and other substances to distract myself from myself. I didn't want to work on my relationship with myself. I didn't want to work on myself basically. And so I was so fixated on external validation and seeking relationships with other people to then give meaning to my life and give meaning to my worth, which is so dangerous. And I feel so sad for that version of myself speaking from a compassionate Space and not from a judgmental place because even today there are times when I look back and hearing that episode yesterday in the love Atiya podcast and I'm listening to the story of me telling very explicitly how my first sober sex experience was Traumatizing. It's the worst sex I've ever had on the record. And so Listening to myself and I was newly sober And that experience, and I, today, fast forward two and a half years, would never tolerate anyone mistreating me in that regard. And hearing that, like, I almost judged myself again, so I have to catch myself. I'm still working through this practice of being compassionate and not listening to that inner critic. But I almost went there, I almost was like, girl, you're Talking about this publicly how embarrassing like that shame almost took over me and yeah, you have to listen to the episode It is powerful and like me plugging that episode Is proof of progress because I almost in hearing it for the first time didn't want anyone else to hear it I was like that's embarrassing that you're sharing such a real life traumatic experience Especially in regards to sex and relationships with men anyway I digress. Just know that it's a work in progress, that you're not always going to get it perfect. You may not fully heal from these feelings of judgment, but be kind to yourself. That's my definition of self love and how it intersects with sobriety. It's being accepting of yourself. It's forgiving yourself. It's nurturing a compassionate relationship with yourself. So now that we've defined self love, we have common language, I want to move into a segment talking about the role of self love in sobriety. So we know that sobriety is a journey. It's not a destination. We know that it's filled with ups and downs. It's not a linear process. We know that there are victories and we know that there are setbacks. I would say self love is like the foundation or the anchor. for navigating this journey that I just described. Now, what I don't think people necessarily talk about in self love is it looks different depending on the day, depending on the era that you're in, depending on what's going on in your life. Me getting sober was an act of self love. I didn't love myself then as much as I love myself today. Like my love for myself has grown exponentially. So I want to make that clear. But I loved myself enough in those moments of feeling broken. To get myself to a place of. changing or starting to embark on this journey of sobriety. And so I just want to reiterate your self love, like the percentage that you love yourself today can change. It can fluctuate. And I would say like back then I got sober in July of 2021. I was so broken. I was kind of like, yeah, I probably loved myself like 5 percent and I was kind of like, that's enough. That 5 percent sometimes can be enough to get you to the next stage. Going back to self love being the foundation or the crux of you getting sober. When you love yourself, you prioritize yourself. And that's what I did. I started to prioritize my well being, and then I started to actually make choices that reflected and honored my health and my happiness and my well being. The key to doing this, right, after you decide that you are enough and that you are worth it, is to set boundaries. And there's a reason that people constantly go back to boundaries. If you were in recovery spaces such as AA, even if you're not, you've probably heard this mantra, people, places, things, right? Like that's all about boundaries. Like people, places, things. Boundaries. You are setting boundaries. You are making it clear to yourself and sometimes to other people that you need to protect yourself from anything that may be triggering. And then another key piece here is you want to surround yourself with supportive relationships. It's not just about addiction replacement in terms of like, Oh, I'm now going to distract myself with something. else. It's also people you want to try and surround yourself with supportive people that uplift you on this path to recovery or to sobriety or just support your goals, period. So that looks like sometimes going out of your comfort zone if you don't have those people immediately at your disposal, which we can get in to at another time. I actually want to do an episode about sober friends and finding them because before I got sober, I had no sober friends and now I have so many people that I can call up on any given day. At any given moment to support me and encourage me and to just bounce ideas off of and who just understand What this process and what this journey can look like and now a quick word from our partners I've got something amazing to share with you today Something that I think will transform the way you experience books and make reading time more enjoyable Have you ever wished you could dive into a great story while on the go? Maybe that's during your daily commute or even while working out. Well, now you can, thanks to Audible. It's really hard for me to prioritize reading, and I love to read, but Audible has really helped me be able to listen to, I literally am looking at my app right now, 34 titles in 2023. Audible is the leading provider of spoken word entertainment in audiobooks, and with Audible, you can turn any moment into a storytime adventure. Imagine having access to an unmatched selection of audio books, exclusive podcast, and more all in one place on your phone or computer, or whatever listening device you choose. Audible is not just a library. It's a whole experience with a vast collection of genres from mystery to romance, to self help and business. Audible has something for everyone. And here's the best part. Your first month is on me. That's right! A free trial to explore the world of Audible. Check the show notes below and visit audible. com slash tsb24 to start your free trial today. Don't miss out on an opportunity to discover the joy of listening. Whether you're a seasoned book lover or just getting started, Audible is the perfect companion for your reading journey. So why wait? Head over to audible. com slash TSB24, Audible, because the best stories are meant to be heard. Here are the four ways I think, there's many things that fall under these four umbrellas, but I really tried to narrow it down to like four themes, I'll call them. Four themes that are connected to cultivating self love in your life. So the first thing, as mentioned in the intro of this episode, is self compassion. You have to treat yourself, With the same kindness and understanding that you would offer to your best friend in the midst of a challenge. The person that you love the most in the world, they come to you in a crisis, they come to you in tears, falling apart, just with the most self loathing, loudest in a critic voice, basically on the brink of a breakdown. How are you talking to them? What do you say to them? How do you treat them in that moment? That is the energy that you have to harness and give to yourself. And if you're not, Mirroring that same energy with yourself and baby, what are you doing? What are you doing? Because you can't show up and be the friend, be the sister, be the wife, the lover, the who, what, whatever, to anyone else. I hear a lot of people talk about on social especially like, oh, I'm an empath. I feel so greatly for other people and it's like, that's great. Being an empath is better than being like a sociopath. But do you apply that same energy to yourself? I think a lot of people overlook being empathetic towards themselves. Your relationship with other people will improve when you improve your relationship with yourself and to yourself. So self compassion is number one here. And the best way to practice self compassion is to acknowledge your humanity, understand that we are humans, especially if you made mistakes. Before you got sober or as you're getting sober and even after you get sober you will continue to make mistakes There's a book that I'm going to recommend if you're struggling with Quieting your inner critic, a. k. a. judging yourself for the moment or what you've done or what you think you're going to do. This book is a game changer. It's called No Bad Parts. It's a long title. I had to look it up. Healing trauma and restoring wholeness with the internal family systems model, which I will link below in the show notes. This book is a game changer as mentioned because it's basically honoring how you can communicate with parts of yourself. The good, the bad, the ugly. And I love it because it just shows you that there's no one you. There's no singular you. We are not one dimensional people. We are multi faceted. And so we've been taught to believe that we have a single identity. That's why we think in such black and white thinking or terms like, I'm a good person or I'm a bad person. And that leads to fear or shame when you can't control that inner voice that doesn't match the ideal of who we think we should be. But I recommend it because it just basically talks about your inner critic, which is your ego and how IBS can help you discover. other parts of yourself because once again, there's no one version of you. So great book if you are struggling. Another way in which you can cultivate self love is through self care. This is the fun part where you really get to luxuriate and focus on yourself and do all the things that bring you joy. And sometimes those things include Actual things. I love crystals. I love candles. I love essential oils. I love taking long everything showers. I love to sip on refreshing mocktails like Moment. And now a quick word from our partners. It really feels like you're having a moment, pun intended. When you're sipping on the lovely and refreshing moment. Now, what I love about moment is that not only does it taste delicious, I have my favorite flavors. I love the blood orange. I love the spicy mango, but it's also good for you, which is exactly what I need in my life right now as I'm in my early. 30s. It's infused with L theanine, which is great for mental clarity. It also is packed with ashwagandha, which is great for helping to fight stress. It's made with all of these natural botanicals, which really enhances your vitality. It does not contain any added sugar. It's caffeine and of course alcohol free and you can purchase it in still or sparkling. I love a good sparkle moment so that's typically the route I take. In the morning it's great for a boost to start the day versus in the afternoon if you want to beat that afternoon slump and enhance your mental clarity or if you just need like a simple pick me up like for me I love to have a moment after the gym versus going into the gym because it just really helps. re energize me. And then in the evening, if you want to wind down after a long busy day and enjoy a delicious mocktail without the hangover, then Moment is great for that too. One of the best parts for me with Moment is I feel like it's a really conscientious brand. They donate 1 percent of all their sales to mental health non profits, so you can feel good about supporting greater causes as well. Head over to DrinkMoment. com and use my code. TSB 23 to receive 12 percent off your very first order. Let's be moment buddies. We can both have moments together. Finding ways to nourish your body, but not just your body, your mind. I'm a podcaster, obviously, so I have to stay up with the most current. Trends when it comes to sobriety and neuroscience. I love neuroscience So I read a lot of books like no bad parts and things in connection to how our brain works and understanding that so Finding things that nourish your body your mind your soul Whether it's through what I just mentioned. I'm really big into movement Pilates It's like my biggest addiction right now, and I know how that sounds. I'm so sorry. I'm I'm annoying but I'm addicted to Pilates I love it so much but finding ways to Basically express yourself. Creativity is a big part of this. Um, so yeah, just taking care of yourself and prioritizing activities that are nourishing taking care of yourself. And then lastly, and just quickly in connection to self care practices, this is where a sober toolbox really comes in handy. I'll link another episode that I've done about creating essential sobriety. Toolbox or toolkit that might be helpful for you to like have specific resources to pull from especially in those moments when you are feeling triggered and when you're when you are feeling like You're not that girl because you know that you're that girl or that guy But if you're not feeling like that, like sometimes it's okay to have to pull from something to enhance your feeling of self love Like I believe that some people may disagree, but I think it's okay to supplement and pretend when you're at a 5 percent instead of at a 50 percent in terms of how you feel about yourself and how much you love yourself in that moment. Okay. Um, and then lastly, and probably the most important, I wouldn't say the most important, they're all important, but something that's really also a game changer is gratitude. So really reframing how you see life and focusing on the positive aspects of life and cultivating gratitude for the progress that you've made on this journey, whether this is day one for you deciding to get sober or day 10, 000 is And not just, you know, Oh, I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful. Like, what does that mean? Like it's being grateful for things when they don't go your way to reframing every aspect of your life. There was an amazing episode I did with Prakruti. She's a sober coach on the reframe app. And she was talking about how she reframes everything, her relationship to everything, especially in those moments when. They don't go the way she expected or anticipated or hoped for like that's where the gratitude really needs to shine through Because it's protecting you babe I promise you it's leading you on a different course for a very specific reason that you may not in this moment understand why but having faith and believing that everything the outcome that Is meant to happen will happen because you believe in what you're doing and you're practicing and harnessing joy. Joy is a choice She also talks about that. Choosing happiness in every moment is a part of being grateful And when you feel good, I believe the universe returns that energy to tenfold I hope that it didn't lose you but gratitude in every moment is very very effective Okay, as we wind down here I just want to quickly touch on barriers to self love because they are bound to arise You It is impossible to think that everything is just going to go the way you expect it and you're always going to love yourself. No, that's unrealistic and I want to set you up for success. Everything I share here is things I've actually done and practiced myself. And I also want to be transparent and say that it's an ongoing process and some days I'm, I'm not with it. I'm not feeling it and that's okay too. So let's just talk about. Overcoming some of those barriers because that's where their true growth is reached. Self love is transformative, but it's not always easy, and if you are grappling with feelings or sentiments connected to shame or guilt, low self esteem, this will hinder your ability to love yourself fully. Here's the caveat. By acknowledging those barriers and seeking support from people that love you or can affirm truths for you, right? Or disrupt beliefs that you're holding, false beliefs that you're holding. That can be the key. Therapy for me was integral. Yes, I have to pay this person to show up for me every week or non bi weekly, but bi monthly? What is bi weekly? Every other week. Anyway, um, that support for my therapist has been A sounding board for me to unpack some of the limiting belief systems that I'm still carrying and unpacking some of the trauma and like working through healing, because it's an ongoing process. So yeah, so having people. to support you on the self love journey is amazing. That doesn't just have to be someone that you pay. It can be friends, absolutely loved ones, support groups. And eventually the hope is that you will kind of break free from the self destructive pattern and begin to embrace a more loving relationship with yourself. It's not always easy, as mentioned, but it is very worthwhile. And the more you practice and commit, we talked about this, the easier. it will become. So I just want to acknowledge that this is a very individual process. If you're wondering like how I used to think and love myself because I, baby, I did not. I did not love myself. And when I say baby, I'm like talking to myself. Like I did not love myself anywhere near how I feel about myself today. As we wrap up today's episode, I want to leave you with this reminder. You are worthy of love and belonging regardless of your past mistakes or struggles. I'm going to say it again. You are worthy of love and belonging regardless of your past mistakes or struggles. Embrace this beautiful journey of self discovery and healing. Thank you guys so much for being a part of this journey with me today. If you enjoyed today's episode, don't forget to subscribe and leave us a review. Happy Valentine's Day for anyone celebrating, if you're listening this week. Today is Valentine's Day, actually, as I drop this, as I will drop this future me. So remember, you are deserving of love. Doesn't have to be from Anyone else but from yourself and your journey and sobriety is worth celebrating every step of the way. Until next time, my friends take care and keep loving yourself.