Navigating Sober Dating in Your 30s: Insights and Advice

In this solo episode of the Sober Butterfly Podcast, host Nadine Mulvina shares her personal experiences and insights on navigating the dating scene as a sober girly in her  thirties. Having taken a break from dating on her therapist's advice, Nadine discusses her return to dating, the importance of honesty about sobriety, and the challenges and nuances of dating without alcohol. She offers tips on disclosing sober status, choosing sober-friendly date activities, and maintaining confidence in one's sobriety. Additionally, Nadine emphasizes the significance of focusing on connection rather than alcohol-induced interactions.

00:00 Welcome to the Sober Butterfly Podcast
00:12 Navigating the Dating Scene as a Sober Individual
00:24 Reflecting on Past Relationships and Sobriety
01:45 The Journey Back to Dating Post-Breakup
05:16 Tips for Sober Dating: Honesty, Confidence, and Connection
07:38 Navigating First Dates and Disclosing Sobriety
15:10 Embracing Confidence in Sobriety During Dating
18:35 Focusing on Connection and Clarity in Sober Dating
23:18 Conclusion and Encouragement for Sober Dating

The episode also includes a sponsored segment promoting a non-alcoholic beverage brand, Moment, highlighting its health benefits and commitment to mental health causes.

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Transcript

0:02

Hello, hello, and welcome to the Sober Butterfly Podcast, where we embrace living our very best lives without alcohol. My name is Nadine Mulvina. And in this week's solo episode, we are talking all about how to navigate the dating scene as a sober girly. I've been wanting to do this episode for a while. So if you've been following me or if you've been listening to the show for a while, you may know that I was in a relationship for about six months in 2023. And then prior to me being in that relationship, I had taken Over a year off from dating. Like I was in a no date zone per therapist order. It's a whole thing. Long story short, in that period of not dating, I also was celibate. Makes sense. Right? I released an episode back in January of 2023 called Sobriety, celibacy, and staying single. And it was actually one of the most listened to episodes of this podcast. You guys really liked it. I got some great feedback. and then shortly after shooting that episode, I had clearance from my therapist to kind of get back out there and start dating again. And within, I would say like three months of me redownloading the apps and going on a few dates, I met my then boyfriend, current ex. So it was a short lived dating phase, between me putting myself back out there and then entering a full relationship again, where basically I lived with him and even though the relationship was over and only lasted for six months, it was pretty serious. After we broke up late November of 2023. I took some time off and I wanted to do some reflection and really figure out, okay, what happened in that relationship, we parted amicably, but I also needed time to sort of breathe and ruminate and some of the choices that I made in that relationship so that I don't carry, you know, the excess baggage into my next relationship or a situation ship. So I took some time off, but. I am back, baby. Like I'm looking to put myself back out there. And so as a sober girl, there's always going to be a little bit more nuance and add a layer of complexity that needs to be considered when you are dating. It is hard enough. I think dating in 2024, especially in Your thirties, like I'm 33. I just turned 33. So I'm like, I have so many things to consider, which we will get into. However, the added layer is, I want to be with someone who respects my sobriety and also. Has a healthy relationship with substances I don't know entirely what that looks like, but as much as that could look like, I want to be clear with you guys this is not quite a how to guide, even though the episode title is how to sober date. I am just sharing some of my personal stories and anecdotes and the things that I'm doing right now to navigate the dating scene as a newish single sober so don't necessarily take everything I say as Bible. Like you don't have to follow what I'm doing. I'm just sharing some of my experiences and what's working for me currently. Keep in mind. Boyfriend. I'm not a super dating coach. I don't have all the answers, but I'm going to be very honest and forthcoming with you guys as I am going through this. Like I'm a testament to my story kind of thing. Right. Okay. So now that we've covered that we can actually get into this week's episode. I want to open the episode by sharing the intersection of sobriety and dating, including how the decision to become sober can influence one's approach to romantic relationships. And let me break that down. So when I was drinking, my choice of men pitiful, just as toxic as the substance Not only was I, you know, drinking toxic substances and taking toxic substances, I was also choosing to date very toxic men. So it's almost relational, like me getting sober significantly improved the quality of man that I was attracting and also looking for. Now, that's not to say that like every guy that I've dated since getting sober has been of the utmost quality or been like a high value man. I hate to use that verbiage, but I think you know where I'm going with this. It's just to say that I have made better choices and the types of men that I have been actively choosing to spend time with. I think a big part of that was not just removing the substance or not just getting sober. It was also getting a little bit more clear around what I was actually looking for, So my first tip for sober dating is be honest about your sobriety. I know some people don't like to open with I'm sober, right? Like they don't like to like go out the gates with, Hey, by the way, my name is Nadine and I don't drink., but I actually think that it's best to just kind of address the elephant in the room. So I would say be honest about your sober status from the onset. I've been running a social experiment around when to disclose your sober status. And I know how that sounds. It's something that has fascinated me. So should you tell people before the date or during the date or after the date that you don't drink. And it's not that you're, doing a cleanse or a diet or dry January, whatever it's, I've adopted this lifestyle and I'm choosing never to drink again. Like I'm sober. When should you let people know that? Cause sometimes we feel very self conscious. I think, especially me, someone who identifies as being an alcoholic, like, I don't want to lead with that. I don't want to say like, Hey, my name is Nadine and I'm an alcoholic. Please take me out. That doesn't seem cute however, through tons of intricate data and lots of research, I've deduced that the best time to let someone know that you're sober is before the actual treatment. Date This gives the date the opportunity to back out. And that's important. You want the person to know up front if they want to proceed or continue a relationship with you. albeit, it can be deflating to the ego if someone decides after that information that they no longer want to go out with you, but think about how much time that you've saved yourself potentially, like, I would rather know upfront that this person is not interested in dating a sober person then to, get to know this person, meet them in real time have an amazing time I think that's less of a blow to the ego than going out with them and knowing that the reason that they're choosing not to see you again is because you don't drink. I just think being honest and open about your sobriety from the onset really primes your date. And it sets the tone for open communication in the future, if there is a future and ensures that both parties are on the same page. So I also have some scenarios. in place If you're meeting guys or whomever on a dating app, I have a hate love relationship with dating apps, but currently I have a hinge profile and there is a feature you can toggle to where it's visible to others, Do you drink? Do you smoke? Do you do drugs? Do you smoke marijuana or edibles? Like, there are different things you can toggle on and off, and you can even specify the frequency in which you partake in those activities. So, for example, going back to alcohol, it's like, Often never, sometimes those are the different options that you can make visible on your profile. And so That is layer one. Like that's my base level. So I make sure that all of those features are visible for potential matches. And then just to be clear, because we know men, like men are very visual. Like, I don't think they're looking at the prompts. All of the icons, I think they're looking at your photo. So sometimes just to cover my bases, I will also indicate, in a prompt. So you can respond, to the different prompts on hinge or almost dating apps. And so I make sure that I find a way to also add something around me not drinking. I think right now as my current profile is, cause I change it often, but I think right now it's like, Two troops in the lie. And one is like, I love to ski. And the other one's like, I am a dual citizen. And the third one is like. I don't drink alcohol and so it's a conversation starter, by the way, the lie is I love to ski., I've never been skiing, but I, I feel like, actually, I would like it, but I've never been anyway, so that gives the guy the opportunity to guess and that way I can ensure that he knows what's going on. In case he didn't read the rest of my profile that I don't drink. This has backfired though on me before I recently had a date, a hinge date with a guy. This was a couple months ago, and I thought maybe he had read my profile. Because for the date suggestion, he was like, let's go to a museum. So we went to a museum. I was like, great. He knows what he's getting into. And then after the museum, he's like, oh, let's grab drinks. So I felt a little awkward because I Didn't want to be like, whoa, whoa, whoa, like we can't go to a bar I don't drink because I do go to bars. Sometimes it's not like my favorite thing to do But I'm okay with going to bars in this stage of my sobriety. So I was cool with that I was like, okay, like yeah, like we just walked to a nearby bar and And actually, no, we didn't. We went to Starbucks Reserve. we went to Starbucks Reserve because it was around the corner from the museum. There's an actual bar inside of Starbucks reserve. And so that was giving more of like the intimacy. I think we were both looking for the aesthetic, dim lighting, jazz music. It was just like more grown and sexy vibes and downstairs while While it's nice. It's more like cafe style. So when we got into the Starbucks reserve, we went upstairs and at the bar is when I told him that I didn't drink and he reacted pretty cool about it. He was just like, okay, cool. Like, what mocktails do you have here? So he immediately addressed the bartender and she was actually kind of like, we don't have any nonalcoholic options. Here's what she said, except for, like, water and sparkling water. I think she said, he was like, that's, that's fine. Not good enough, basically. He was like, can you make her something? And she was like, well, we don't really have anything aside from this and that. And so long story short, he made her create something on the spot for me. I can't even remember what it was, but I really appreciated him taking that initiative. I like for men to take the lead. So when they are figuring out where they take me, if a bar is mentioned, I'm immediately letting them know upfront. I'm not interested in going to the bar. I used to be the girl that was cool Oh, I'll go to the bar because I don't want to seem difficult and I'm not difficult. Down the line and with friends, I'm cool with going to the bar, but that's not like the number one destination that I want to go on, especially for Early dates or a first date. So if a guy even suggests going to a bar, I would shut it down. If I were you from the jump, I would just say, Hey, I don't drink. So is there anything else we can do? Throw it back on him. Right? Like you're asking me out, you should figure it out. And if you suggest something like a bar and I shut it down, I still feel like you should figure it out from there. There's so many things to do that doesn't involve drinking in 2024. I don't care where you live, like figure something out. We can. Freaking go shoot arches. I don't know like there's so many things like the bar is just basic and I don't want to go there And so I'm gonna let you know up front that's not the spot that I want to start my first date on. That's a me thing, but that's just an example. I feel like people should keep in mind if they do want to disclose up front that they don't drink and the bar gets thrown out there. I would say shut that down. Shut it down. You don't want to go to the bar. Try again. So I would say it's always wise to choose sober friendly activities. You want to opt for dates that don't revolve around alcohol, And there's just so many things that you can pull from, especially in 2024, depending on where you live, you can go hiking, you can go on a picnic, especially since spring is here. You can visit museums, go to a concert, comedy shows, fitness class, like the list really does go on and on Okay. My second tip, and this is an important one. Okay. And now a quick word from our partners. 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Or if you just need like a simple pick me up, like for me, I love to have a moment after the gym versus going into the gym because it just really helps re energize me. And then in the evening, if you want to wind down after a long, busy day and enjoy a delicious mocktail without the hangover, then Moment is great for that too. One of the best parts for me with Moment is I feel like it's a really conscientious brand. They donate 1 percent of all their sales to mental health non profits. So you can feel good about supporting greater causes as well. Head over to drinkmoment. com and use my code TSB23 to receive 12 percent off your very first order. Let's be moment buddies. We can both have moments together. You need to be confident in yourself and in your sobriety own that shit. Okay. Don't be meek. I don't drink. I don't drink. Like it's a bad thing. Like it's shameful thing. And this kind of goes into like why you should disclose up front that you are sober because I think when you are confident in your sobriety, it sets this tone that it's a positive aspect of your life. It's not a shameful aspect of your life. It is something that anyone worth dating will respect about you and support your decision. It's, Easier said than done, especially, if you're in the earlier stages of your sobriety and you were just dipping your pinky toe into the dating pool or whatever it may be, but really try and own it, like it's not this dirty little secret that you have, no matter what reason you have for not drinking. It is something to be proud of I used to be so embarrassed, of letting people know, friends even, and especially potential dates, like, I felt like it would disqualify me. As a candidate for a guy seeing me. And now I don't see it that way. I'm like, okay, if I tell you that I'm sober and you choose to not want to date me, that is God protecting me. I'm being shielded from the type of guy that's not interested in dating someone who doesn't drink. Like that to me is lame. And the funny thing is when I was in the throes of my addiction, when I was drinking a ton and partying and mainly in my twenties, right? I would never have considered dating a guy who didn't drink because drinking was so important to me. And that's fine. If drinking is so important to you that you can't be with someone who doesn't drink, then cool. I'm not for you. You're definitely not for me. And I'd rather know that upfront. I keep going back to this idea. This is why it's so important to just tell people, say it with confidence, say it with your chest. I don't drink period. It's not an ellipsis. It's not. I don't drink dot dot dot. Here's why it's I don't drink Let them ask questions and you can decide if you want to answer those questions It's like control the conversation babe Like I'm okay with telling people I don't drink because drinking is problematic for me or I could say something cute, a little bit more coy, like, Oh, trust me, you wouldn't like me if I were drinking. I could say it like that. but for the most part I just say, Oh yeah, I don't drink. And I leave it at that because it really does not require an explanation. And you can also deduce from the person that you're with and the questions, if they ask follow up questions, the type of questions they are, if it's even a match for you. So I feel like making sure that you are very, confident with your, Decision to not drink and even if you aren't confident like you're still working on that confidence fake it, honey Fake it until you make it. Sometimes you really just have to work on Delivering and even practicing that delivery in the mirror or with friends until it sounds like you actually mean it I am a firm believer in faking it until you make it. And that's not to say that you are fake and you're not being real. It's just like, you're, working a muscle. Like you have to do the work behind the scenes and continue practicing. And then you'll get there, you'll get to a place where you actually believe it and you actually feel it. Okay. My third tip for sober dating, focus on the connection. Okay. You don't have anything that is altering your state of consciousness. That's getting in the way of you figuring out if you actually like this person. I can tell you how many people I've been out with and it's like, I thought I liked them, I guess after the second, third, fourth plus drink. Yeah, I didn't really like them. And I often reflect back to days when I used to drink, um, and go on dates. And it would be like, I wanted alcohol to be present on every date because obviously it helped lower my inhibitions. And I felt like we were vibing a lot more and the conversation would flow better. And I was obviously nervous because Dating can be nerve wracking. And I thought that I needed the social lubricant to loosen up and then sometimes quite, quite literally loosen up. In general, it just made me more into the person or so I thought. And now I recognize that if the date is awkward, I would want to know right then and there in the moment. I mentioned clarity before, and it's because when you're sober, obviously, like, I know what's going on. Like, I have my wherewithal, I'm very clear about picking up on some social cues, and sober dating in general, is an opportunity to connect on a deeper level with your date, so you can really engage in meaningful conversation. I ask questions, and I actually listen attentively to their response. I am Paying attention, whether I like it or not, if they're drinking on the date, because I happen on dates where guys drink, and I'm like, okay, well, how many drinks is he having? All right. No, we did. And now a quick word from our partners. Have you ever wished you could dive into a great story while on the go? Maybe that's during your daily commute or even while working out. Well, now you can, thanks to Audible. Audible is the leading provider of spoken word entertainment in audiobooks, and with Audible, you can turn any moment into a storytime adventure. Imagine having access to an unmatched selection of audiobooks, right now. Exclusive podcast and more all in one place on your phone or your computer or whatever listening device you choose Audible is not just a library. It's a whole Experience with a vast collection of genres from mystery to romance to self help and business Audible has something for everyone and here's the best part Your first month is on me A free trial to explore the world of Audible. Check the show notes below and visit audible. com slash tsb24 to start your free trial today. Don't miss out on an opportunity to discover the joy of listening. Whether you're a seasoned book lover or just getting started, Audible is the perfect companion for your reading journey. So why wait? Head over to audible. com slash tsb24. Audible. Because the best stories are meant to be heard. As I enter this new era of sober dating, I am looking forward to making those deep connections and I'm still figuring out what I'm actually looking for. I constantly oscillate between, okay, do I want to be in a relationship I do, but like, when do I actually want to be in a relationship right now? and does it matter if the person drinks or not? I'm more so leaning on. It doesn't matter. So long as they have healthier coping mechanisms and can responsibly drink, even though I have very, Mixed feelings around like what that really looks like and if that is even attainable. I am opening myself up to partnering and I want to date. And dating is difficult, but sober dating makes everything better because I just have a lower tolerance for bullshit, a better detector when it comes to nonsense and like what I'm willing to deal with. And I just believe in. My higher power guiding me and keeping certain men at bay who don't deserve to be in my life, removing the toxic substance. Once again, removed a lot of toxic men. It wasn't just, drinking that was bad for my body and for my peace of mind, it was also choosing a date guys who I otherwise would not have been with. Okay, thank you guys so much for tuning in to this week's episode. New episodes drop every single Wednesday. Please do me a favor. If you are not subscribed to the podcast or to my YouTube channel, if you have not left a review for this podcast, please do so it takes like less than a minute and it really helps the show grow. Thank you guys for tuning in and I'll see you next week. Bye.