The Comparison Trap in Sobriety: How to Focus on Your Own Journey

In this episode of The Sober Butterfly,  Nadine reflects on her third soberversary and delves into the challenges of comparing sobriety journeys. She discusses the psychological basis of the comparison trap, shares researched insights, and offers practical tips to avoid harmful comparisons, such as focusing on personal achievements, practicing self-compassion, and curating a supportive social media feed. Nadine also emphasizes the importance of gratitude journaling, mindfulness, professional help, and personal growth in maintaining a healthy and individualized sobriety journey.

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Transcript

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the-sober-butterfly_5_07-11-2024_190601 0:03

Hello, hello. Welcome to The Sober Butterfly. I'm Nadine, and today I'm talking about something that's been on my mind all week. if you're following me on social, you probably have seen already that I celebrated three years of sobriety recently. July 5th, 2021 was my soberversary date. So yay. Yay, me! However, I cite that because, you know, when I shared, oh, this is my three year sobriversary online, I was met with an outpouring of love. Lots of comments and DMs and congratulations all around. Something I did notice though, that wasn't what I was intending to do or like, it wasn't a conversation I necessarily wanted to start. I noticed that people were dropping their soberversary dates in the comments, which is cool. I mean, can I have my moment? I'm joking. I'm so joking. Like, it's great. I'm so glad that people felt compelled to share their day counts or maybe they were excited about their upcoming milestones and like, I'm all for celebrating those things. But it got me thinking, Are we comparing our sobriety our sober time to other people and if so What is the inherent danger of doing so?

the-sober-butterfly_9_07-11-2024_193159 1:17

so for the first part of this episode, I want us to try to understand a little bit more about the comparison trap, what that really entails and why it has negative implications to our overall health, especially in regards to our sobriety.

the-sober-butterfly_7_07-11-2024_191425 1:31

I've done some research in preparation for today's episode that has broken down the science behind why our brains default to comparison mode. our brain uses comparison to figure out how we're going to measure up to other people. There's a professor of organizational behavior, his name is Thomas Musweiler. I'm sorry if I said your name wrong, sir. But he describes comparison this way. He says, it's one of the most basic ways we develop an understanding of who we are, what we're good at, and what we're not so good at. So when I was first getting sober or in the early stages of my sobriety, I was looking to understand what sobriety really meant. looking to others to see how they were doing it, how they were living their best sober lives. And I, you know, followed accounts that were sober that were mainly presenting, positive aspects of sobriety. Immediately I started to measure my Success and sobriety by how I saw other people how other people were sharing their journeys on social media, right? I like Intrinsically was grading myself without even really truly realizing it one of the interesting parts about like categorizing what we're good at versus what we're not so good at in the context of understanding who we are or how our sobriety is being defined is most of the time this calculation is made in a split second. In the background of our minds like we don't even realize it But then we start dwelling on the highlights of other people's lives aka, you know Me celebrating my soberversary in a very public way And this is when things can become quickly toxic You know, we are wired for connection and belonging, but if we constantly are in a state of comparing ourselves to others, we're actually putting our happiness, our confidence, mental health, sobriety, even at risk. All right, let's get into it.

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Let's break down ways in which you can stop comparing your sobriety to other people.

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Okay, so my very first tip for you is focus on yourself, babe. Focus on your own journey, your own sobriety. And a way in which you can actually do this is by celebrating your achievements. No matter how small, recognize your progress and remind yourself of where you started. Always go back to that day one. Oh my god, for me, that day one was hell. I was hungover, I was tired, I was tired of being tired, and I didn't think I could do it. Look at me now. Ex A number of years later, once again, don't compare my sobriety. Don't compare the number of years I have or the sober time I have. Just think about your day one. And if today happens to be your day one, congratulations, you've just started an incredible journey and you should be so proud that you're willing to even take this first step. So just keep that in mind. You really want to focus on personalizing any milestones for yourself. One of my favorite episodes this season, I shouldn't have favorites, but I do, was with Prakruthi. And she talked about in her episode, which was all about reframing your mindset. It was just incredible how she was talking about celebrating every month of sobriety. So she had like over five or has like over five years of sobriety. And by the way, another thing that I love, which I love. I have kind of alluded to, which is this idea of like, you personalize how you define your own sobriety. So Prakruti, for example, she's sober from alcohol, from her drug of choice, which was cocaine, from caffeine, from marijuana. I I am not sober from caffeine, like, I don't know if I'll ever be sober from caffeine, but it's just the way that she's able to acknowledge every aspect of her journey, every milestone along that pathway has been beautiful, and so, like, she has different sober roastery dates is the point I'm trying to make, from Her drug of choice from alcohol from marijuana from caffeine it's beautiful that she a personalizes what sobriety means to her and then also She has ways in which she does all of these cool things every single month connected to her sobriety. She involves her twin girls And she's done everything from walking on coals of fire to going out to dinner with her girls, it's just really a nice way for you to commemorate your progress and set personal goals for yourself, when you create and work towards your goals. Independent of other people's achievements, they will just be all the more fulfilling for you because it's how you've set your own parameter of success. That's my very first tip for you. Focus on your own journey.

the-sober-butterfly_13_07-11-2024_194622 6:19

my second tip is all around practicing self compassion. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know what you're thinking. I mean it. You have to be kind to yourself. You have to treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer your very best friend when it comes to your sobriety. And a good way that you can do this is through positive affirmations. I'm all about journaling and positive affirmations and mantras really help get me to that DeLulu stage that sometimes you just need to be in. You know that you're not always going to feel your best or maybe even show up as your best version of self, but that doesn't mean that you can't practice positive self talk and tell yourself that you are that girl. I have post its littered throughout my apartment That I take down if people come over because I don't want them to think I'm crazy Which I actually got this idea from that show Being Mary Jane with, um, Gabrielle Union? And I think it was on BET, but she was that girl. She was crazy, but she was also, like, very successful. Anyway, she was really into self development, and she would basically write all of these nice things about herself. Or the version of self she aspired to be, and would post them throughout her house. That's what first put me onto this idea of how powerful visualization is. If anyone wants some examples of how you can personalize your affirmations to reflect your sobriety, I do have a blog post on my website, The Sober Butterfly. I will link that in the show notes. They're actually affirmations for spring, but I feel like spring, summer, whatever I feel like spring or summer, it really doesn't matter. They're applicable even in this season. So I will link those below for you guys in the show notes in case you want to see some examples.

the-sober-butterfly_14_07-11-2024_195002 8:11

I need you to limit your social media exposure I need you to unfollow or mute accounts that make you feel inadequate. I was actually texting with a sober friend about this and she was asking me if I had noticed an uptick of sober influencers or former sober influencers who actually went back to drinking. I'm not going to name any names, but she shared some accounts with me and I was like, damn, wow, I didn't realize this person is drinking. And like they deleted all of their sober, content that they had before on their page. And it might sound like I'm judging them. I'm not like, I don't care. but she was saying that she unfollowed those accounts. And I'm like, good for you because yeah, like if you follow someone. under the pretense of sobriety. And I shouldn't say pretense. People are allowed to change their mind. But if, you know, you change your mind or your sober lifestyle status, then people are allowed to unfollow slash unsubscribe to that. And so I was proud of her for doing so because she found it triggering. I'm still following a couple of the accounts because I'm kind of curious. I'm messy like that. I'm like, I just want to see how this, how this goes for this person. Like, I really wish them the best, but like, personally, I can't imagine ever going back to drinking, so I'm always like, interesting. Interesting that you made your whole, like, everything, like your handle, all of your content about this, and now all of a sudden you're having wine on the beach, but cool. Anyway, Limit your social media exposure, curate your feed to match the energy that you are looking to receive and take breaks when needed.

the-sober-butterfly_8_07-11-2024_192320 9:47

more recently, I've been taking a step back from being online. you know, those weekly reports where they give you a rundown of how much time you've been spending. on your phone and then specifically will give you a breakdown of how much time you're spending on various apps. For me, Instagram was through the roof. I'm embarrassed to share how many hours a day I was spending on Instagram all in the name of connection Connection and creation. I thought as a content creator. I needed to be on Instagram. This is like my platform This is how I'm sharing all of the wonderful joys of sobriety This is how I'm connecting with other people who are sober because while I do actually have sober friends in real life now I still think I default to a time in my life three years ago when I didn't know anyone sober in real life. So all of my connections were basically based online. So, you know, I was using that as an excuse. And then, I need inspiration and, you know, I need to know what other people are creating. I need to like connect and comment. And basically I was just deluding myself into believing that I needed to spend X number of hours per day on Instagram. And when I did the math, it just blew my mind. How many hours a week that was Let's try a month. Let's try a quarter. Let's try a year How many hours per year was I spending on Instagram? So I share that to say I took a step back.

the-sober-butterfly_14_07-11-2024_195002 11:20

i've set clearer parameters around when i'm getting online and what i'm sharing online And you know, who knows maybe i'll take an extended break at some point in my life. Take breaks, reconnect with yourself and your journey. It doesn't always have to be for the gram. Okay. So my fourth tip for you guys is connected to mindfulness and meditation two things I Struggle with i'm gonna keep it so honest here I really really have a hard time just being present. I've taken meditation classes actually and The whole time this is how bad I can be with this or i'm going to reframe This is how much of an opportunity I have to grow in this area of my life As i'm taking the meditation classes i'm sitting there thinking about what other people are thinking and if they're actually Meditating because I can't meditate and like I'm listening to the instructor and I'm trying to be the perfect student but I'm Critiquing myself because I'm like, this is not working so i'm not good at this But i'm gonna try to use meditation to quiet my mind because my mind is od Never ending. It's just like Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Like I just sometimes wish I could turn me off. I've been told by people that I respect and I think are very successful and very smart that. Meditation is the key. So i'm gonna keep trying. I just downloaded the calm app not sponsored And I have not started it. Like when I say I just downloaded it. I literally mean today as I was preparing for This episode i'm like, yeah, I need to like actually Do what I say I'm gonna do so I downloaded the app. I will get back to you as to how that goes from what I can see It has different goals you can set for yourself So i'm just gonna keep it simple and say five minutes a day five minute a day girly here just get me in get me out and then of course with time I can increase my meditation goals, but for now Five minutes even seems a bit ambitious if i'm keeping it real with you guys i'm like five minutes of meditating But I've been told it's a good one because they've guided practices. So yeah, if you use the Calm app or if you have a better app that you would recommend for meditating, let me know because I need support at this point in time. I have tried to meditate so many times on my own and assisted with classes and they just do not work for me. So I'm like, maybe I need to be in a quiet space that I feel comfortable and maybe feel like I have a little bit more control over the environment to where I can really lean in to this idea of letting go. Lean into letting go. Hmm. That's really hard for me. Anyway, so yes, practice mindfulness and I'm right with you. We're going to practice mindfulness together.

14:23

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the-sober-butterfly_15_07-11-2024_195832 16:07

So an area of success that I am experiencing in my life is all around gratitude journaling or journaling in general. I have a five minute journal routine that I do which I've shared before but I'll share again The first thing I do when I wake up is write three things that I am grateful for it's always, I'm grateful to wake up because I really don't take it for granted. I usually say I'm very grateful for my sobriety, but I think by writing down what you're grateful for each day, it's forcing you to focus on the gratitude so that you can shift your perspective from what you don't have. or what you think you're lacking to what you actually do have. And once again going off of this idea of comparing yourself to others, a lot of that can be material. A lot of that can be assuming that other people have more than us and therefore we are are lacking in some kind of way, and if you believe you're lacking in some kind of way, then that will be the reality for you. You will always feel inadequate. You will always feel lesser men. You will always feel like your sobriety isn't good enough compared to maybe someone else's. Have you guys ever looked back at an old journal? It is one of the most, cathartic, cringe things you could do for yourself, my god. The earliest journal I have to date, that I'm in possession of, is from 7th grade, and to this day, I'm 33 years old, by the way, I was 13 when I wrote the journal, 12 13, I still read it sometimes. When I tell you, you want to have a laugh? You want to have a laugh? The things that I cared about, it's just like crazy. But I also do that in my notes app one day, I want to like, publish a book. Just with some of the crazy things I've written in my notes app. But anyway, I kept a notes app. I wasn't journaling so much in my early sobriety as I currently do now, but I would keep notes in my phone like a running stream of conscious style, and it's crazy the things I used to put down in writing. It was really good in the moment because I was releasing a lot of negative emotions that I was processing or trying to process. It's also like so dramatic. I am dramatic. I'm a dramatic person in case you can't tell but There's levels. There's levels to the drama, and I was on one. I was just on a hundred back then. So, yeah. Even, a few years later, I can really appreciate the progress from reviewing those past journals. So keep a journal, if not, but just to go back and look and laugh one day at where you were and be proud of how far you've come.

the-sober-butterfly_10_07-11-2024_193239 18:48

One of the beautiful parts about being a podcast host and having this platform is I've had the opportunity to connect with so many different sober souls, and just hearing people's uniqueness and their stories has been really transformative in the way that I perceive my own uniqueness and my own journey. Story around sobriety. So I think the common thread that connects so much of us in this community is the fact that yes, we don't drink or we don't do drugs and we celebrate that or we try to embrace and celebrate those things. But I think it's also integral to understand that how I define sobriety may not be how someone else defines sobriety and that's okay. That is totally fine.

the-sober-butterfly_16_07-11-2024_200315 19:35

Speaking of everyone's path being different, my next tip for you is embracing your uniqueness. Acknowledge your individuality. Recognizing that there is no one size fits all approach or prescription to sobriety is important as well as identifying your own personal strengths and really honing in and focusing on your strengths and your unique qualities that have helped you in sobriety. By being true to yourself and working on yourself, you can help other people in various ways. Okay. My next tip for you is seek professional help. Um, because you're crazy. We're all crazy. Seek professional help. I have a therapist. I actually haven't met with her. All month and it's starting to really take a toll my mental health. Listen. My therapist is booked and busy I feel like she thinks i've made so much progress and I have but sometimes i'm like I feel like she's not Prioritizing me as a client like we went from meeting weekly to Bi weekly tell me why bi weekly can mean every other week or twice a week. It just makes no sense to me I mean it in the context of we meet every other Week, so she was she basically downgraded me as a as a client. She was like you're doing so well We're gonna have you go every other week, but I low key think she just like found other clients Because she's a hot commodity. Let me tell you, it was hard for me to even get in the doors. I only really got in as a client in COVID because she was remote She's a huge part of why I'm sober. So gotta give that to her. Anyway, seek professional help. For me, therapy helps me stay sober. It very much helps me in all facets of my mental health. My therapist specializes in Addiction and recovery, so she's really been able to help me, as mentioned, get sober, but also just work through feelings of inadequacy or comparison, because, as mentioned, it's easy to compare yourself across all walks of life. Even if I'm not comparing my sobriety to other people, I certainly compare my station in life to other people. I compare myself to my friends. Oh, this person just bought a house or this person just got engaged. I compare myself to my family. They have kids. I'm 33 and I can't even, you know, find a date on a Friday night sometimes. not somebody I actually want to date. So yeah, it's easy to compare yourself as a point I'm making to others in various aspects of life. And it's nice to have a trained professional because our girlfriends are great. I got to give it to my girls, but they are not licensed professionals. Okay. So let's just be clear. They are not licensed professionals to give you advice when it comes to, Certain topics, we'll say, so keep That in mind, it's nice to have a trained professional that you pay that can act as a sounding board. Or you can find support groups so you can join a support group in Relation to sobriety a a is a great free resource that you can participate in Where you can share your experiences and receive feedback and feedback Not always feedback in the way because you're not really supposed to crosstalk, but you can get a sponsor and That person is helping you Supporting you in a non judgmental environment So yeah There are different ways that you can seek professional help highly recommend that to help you stop comparing your sobriety To other people or just stop comparing yourself to other people in general Okay, two more tips for you coming in hot limit your comparison triggers. What do I mean by that? I I mean in order to limit your comparison triggers, you first must be able to identify your triggers. So just being aware of situations or people that are triggering you to make those comparisons will help you to minimize your exposure to them. And once again, social media, that could look like muting certain accounts if you don't want to, you know, take the plunge and completely unfollow people. That could be the same thing with friends, you know. People, places, things, we know this mantra. It's also from AA by the way, if you didn't know that. So people, places, things, those are in connection to triggers, just making sure that you're aware of what things are triggering you to drink or triggering you to make comparisons. I'm just doing some self reflection and I feel like boundaries really fit nicely here when it comes to limiting comparison triggers, especially in regards to people, because sometimes you don't want to cut people off. I've made the mistake of being a bit too brash. I think in my history of relationships and very black and white thinking in terms of like, Snip snip bye you're gone, and I have some regret. I mean like not actual regret, but like in retrospect I'm like, maybe I shouldn't have done that. I don't really believe in regret. I think everything happens for a reason. I truly do so not quite regret, but definitely learning opportunities and growth spots for me. I think boundaries fit well because instead of just cutting people out, just set boundaries. Simply create boundaries with people who may unintentionally or intentionally make you feel less accomplished than them. It's not always personal, like it's not always like an attack against you but sometimes we can't help But feel a way about someone else, what they said, how they act, whatever it may be, just them simply existing can be a trigger. So knowing that, maybe you're just not in the right place at this time or the season of life in this era to where you can be around that person. But that doesn't mean it's forever. That doesn't mean that you can never get closer to them again. It just means right now you need to distance yourself a bit and create that boundary. Okay. My very last tip for us is all about focusing on personal growth. And this is really all about being a lifelong learner. I am such a nerd when it comes to personal development and reading and trying new things. And I can be super competitive. Talking about comparison, I'm comparing myself to myself. If we are worried about how we stack up or measure against someone else That's Intel that's Information that you can use to improve yourself It's not always a negative thing. I know i've been talking a lot about the negative aspects of comparing yourself to others Comparing your sobriety to others. That's because I do think overarchingly it is negative However, there are opportunities for you to recognize that maybe you just don't like something about yourself that you can fix because You are capable of change Um, and that's the beauty of sobriety. I never thought i'd be capable of You Giving up or quitting alcohol and here I am thriving in sobriety So, really lean into this idea of personal growth and development. That can be reading new literature around subject matter that you're passionate about, finding a new hobby, learning a new skill. And then, similar to when you were journaling or you're doing your journal practice, you can reflect on that growth. You should regularly check in with your growth and how your sobriety has overall positively impacted your life. I know I shared quite a few tips, so I'll quickly run through them again in case you want to jot this down. It's also in the show notes, as usual. But here are some ways that you can stop comparing your sobriety to others. One, I need you to focus on your own journey to, I need you to practice self compassion. Three, limit your social media exposure. Four is all about mindfulness, meditation, five, gratitude, journaling, six connect with supportive people, seven, embrace your uniqueness, eight, seek professional help nine, Limit comparison triggers. And finally, 10 is focused on personal growth.

the-sober-butterfly_17_07-11-2024_202122 28:23

I hope you found today's episode helpful. I think a big takeaway that I'm hoping from this episode is that you walk away knowing that you were worthy, knowing that you are that girl, knowing that you have done the right thing. The hard work already which is deciding that you don't want to continue drinking for whatever reason Just because drinking is trash like that's simply put drinking is terrible for you So the fact that you made that decision to give sobriety a go no matter where you are on your sober journey is just super impressive. So many people Can't do what you're doing and that's not to compare yourself to what other people are doing No, it's just to show you how wonderful and how strong and exceptional you are I want to end today's episode by for being a part of this journey with me Also, thank you. I want to be clear. I'm not taking for granted my soberversary. Thank you for the well wishes Thank you for sharing your soberversary dates with me. I Cherish them like they are my own. I mean that because this is a collective. We are a part of a community However, Celebrate every single day like it really is one day at a time like there's a reason why this is recited over and over again It's so powerful to remember that you're making that choice every day to show up for yourself and be the best version of yourself So be proud of that and lastly make sure you're signed up for my newsletter shifting gears Make sure you are signed up. I'm bringing the newsletter back. I know I've fallen up look at me Friday. This episode is available. Like I said, it would be and next Friday expect another hot episode dropping live and The newsletter is great because I go a little bit more in depth and let you know what else is going on in my life as well as give you a A little bit more of a rundown about the episode and also make sure you are following the show thank you for tuning into the show. If you're listening at home, also please think about leaving me a five star review if you haven't already done so. Alright, I love you guys. I'll see you next week. Happy summer.