Navigating Nights Out (and Boundaries) With Your Drinking Friends

In this episode of The Sober Butterfly, host Nadine delves into navigating social life and friendships while maintaining sobriety. Key topics include understanding and setting personal boundaries, communicating needs honestly, and dealing with peer pressure and FOMO. Nadine shares practical advice on staying connected with friends who drink, choosing alternative social activities, and handling social dynamics without alcohol. The episode highlights the importance of mental clarity, offers tips for engaging in social settings comfortably, and emphasizes the significance of preserving and nurturing valuable relationships in a sober lifestyle.

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Transcript

the-sober-butterfly_1_10-17-2024_070253: 0:02

Hello and welcome back to the Sober Butterfly, I'm Nadine and today we're diving into a topic that many of us in the sober community have struggled with. So I get asked this question quite a bit. How do you hang out with your drinking friends when you're sober? Also, can you have fun

the-sober-butterfly_2_10-17-2024_071516: 0:21

Before I offer some tips and strategies to hang out with drinking friends, I do want to be very clear here. I don't recommend hanging around people who are drinking if you are struggling with your sobriety. I am in a place as it stands today, three years into my sobriety, where I do not feel tempted to drink. You could put an entire bottle of wine in front of me. you could give me shots of Hennessy, put it right on the table and I don't want it. So I want to be clear that you need to know where you stand and take some inventory around. What things may be triggering for you, but if you can tolerate being around people who are drinking, and it doesn't trigger you to want to drink, or you don't start to feel cravings, then I can say with confidence that this episode is for you. If you are in a place where it does incite some feelings or emotions, then maybe this episode's not for you, and that's okay. Take everything I say with a grain of salt and know that I'm coming from a place of love, but also acceptance of where I am in my sobriety.

the-sober-butterfly_1_10-17-2024_070253: 1:24

So let's transition into friendships and how that can look in sobriety. I want to talk about the realness and the reality of losing friends in sobriety. This is a common misconception, I believe, and it doesn't have to be the case. It definitely happens, but I think true friends, not necessarily drinking buddies or acquaintances, but real friends who still decide to drink while the relationship and the dynamics may change. It does not mean that you have to lose that friendship and that you can't hang out with them in social settings if they're drinking. Let's talk about the why. Like, why are friendships changing in sobriety? It could be that some friends may not understand your sobriety and I've talked at lengths in the past. So I'll link in the show notes some episodes for your reference. But yeah, it could just be that people don't understand your sobriety. They don't understand this new lifestyle choice. If you've been sober for some time, maybe they still haven't come to grips with the fact that you are this, you know, elevated 2. 0 version of yourself that doesn't need a social lubricant to have fun. So there could be a misunderstanding there. It could be that certain friendships have been built around alcohol. And I questioned even some of the strong relationships and friendships I have today. I question the longevity of those relationships, because so much of our connection was built around drinking and partying and doing other things. So it could be a question of what does the foundation look like? It could be related to. You having newfound priorities that don't align to theirs anymore. So the real key here is it is okay I'm making it very clear. It's okay to lose some friendships But also an addendum to that would be it's also okay to work on Preserving them if they are bringing you value in life, and that's the key. When I first got sober, I didn't know sober people. So all of my close connections were with people who were drinking. And instead of cutting those relationships off, and don't get me wrong. I have a specific instances where I've had to cut people off and I've had specific instances where I've had to distance myself or set boundaries with specific people. If you connect it back to this idea of value being presented in your life or contributed to your life, then you may want to rethink some of the activities you do with that friend if you're triggered by drinking, but if you're in a place where you are confident, I believe in your sobriety, then there is opportunity for you to still be in social settings where people are drinking with these people that still bring you value.

4:13

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the-sober-butterfly_3_10-17-2024_071805: 5:57

I want to offer some tips and strategies for hanging out with drinking friends. My very first tip is probably one of the most important tips So, I want to be clear that this cannot be skipped. You have to set boundaries early

the-sober-butterfly_4_10-17-2024_072023: 6:15

first and foremost, you. Should always be trying to protect your sobriety and what boundaries will do here is they will act as a safeguard for your sobriety, especially in environments where alcohol is prevalent. So, if you're at the bar, if you're at the concert, if you're at a pregame, it's all about creating a buffer that will protect your mental and emotional space. I also want to be clear that you need to manage those expectations. And so a key component to setting boundaries is communicating said boundaries, said limits up front. And this will act as a way to ensure that your friends understand what you're actually comfortable with. We don't want to lean into assumptions here. Never assume. You need to communicate so that you're avoiding any misunderstandings and unnecessary pressure. In social situations, my friends know today, like I'm down to hang, but when I say I want to leave, baby, I'm leaving and it sounds so simple. It sounds so basic, right? I'm like, Hey, guys, like, when I say I got to go, I got to go. is it the boundary? And yes, let me tell you why it's a boundary because when I used to go out with my drinking friends, when I was drinking. We, and I'm going to use the collective we here because I am just as guilty, we would make other people feel weird about leaving, wanting to leave the party early. What are you doing? What are you talking about? You can't leave now. We're just getting started. Wait, don't be a party pooper. Like all of these are things that have come out of my mouth and have been said to me. So I made it very clear with my friends when I was, you know, dipping my pinky toe back into the social scenes. I made it clear from the jump, like, Hey, if I say I have to go, just know I have to go. And I may not want to talk in depth about why I want to go. It's not fun to have to communicate sometimes that, you know, you feel triggered and to be real with you guys three years in. I don't feel triggered to drink, right? So if I'm out and I just want to go, it warrants no explanation. And it's probably not because I'm triggered. It's probably just because I'm a grandma and I want to get my butt in bed. It's probably because I'm not having fun anymore because the conversation has lulled and people are, you know, doing too much for my liking. So I just make it clear as a boundary that I don't want to be interrogated. I don't want to be made. To feel bad or lame for leaving early. I just have to go and that's okay. So you want to manage those expectations with your friends so that you are aligned. I think the beauty of setting the boundary is that it is promoting a mutual respect. Boundaries are healthy. Okay. And they are helping to create a dynamic with your where your friends can support your choices. Once again, we never want to assume I used to take things personally early on in my sobriety because people didn't understand what I needed from them. To be real, I didn't understand what I needed from them. So how the hell was I supposed to expect them to know what to give me, how to help me, how to support me? So you have to be very clear. By communicating said boundaries, once I got clear around what those boundaries were for me, in turn, now my friends are able to support my choices and I can enjoy socializing without compromising my sobriety. And I want the same for you. So that's why boundaries matter. I think these steps are the best way to set boundaries. So, honesty is number 1, you need to be honest about your needs. Let your friends know that while you enjoy their company, you're committed to your sobriety. That is the priority. for example, you could say something like, hey, I'm, I'm so excited to hang out tonight, but just so you know. I'm sticking to non alcoholic drinks or the example I gave earlier. Hey, let's go meet at whatever bar, whatever spot, but just, you know, when I'm out, I'm out, like, I don't need to explain myself. So be honest. Nobody can give you what you need unless you're honest about what your needs are. Number two, you want to specify what you're comfortable with. It's okay to let people know you have limits. It's okay to not stay out as late, you know, to make it to the after, after, after move. It's okay to avoid certain settings altogether. If you're not a bar girly, if you don't like the club, you can say something like, Hey, I'm happy to join, but I'll be heading out early if things get too crazy or too rowdy. And you want to bring up. Your boundaries early, not necessarily in the moment, especially if other people have been drinking. I think it's way easier to establish a boundary before the drinks start flowing rather than to explain yourself when people are already in party mode. And this doesn't always have to be like this big conversation where you sit your friends or your family down and have a big meeting, let's gather around guys. I have something to share. Um, you're not coming out as sober. It can be as simple as a text, right? Maybe a text before the event or the night begins. Like, Hey, just a quick heads up. I'm staying alcohol free tonight, or if these are deep close friends, they probably already know your sober status. Yeah. But once again, just communicating if things get wild, I might head out no hard feelings and I do include the no hard feelings bit for the sake of my friends, because I think sometimes friends who. are drinking feel judged by friends who are not drinking. So I always keep it light or try to and let them know it's not really about them. It's about me and prioritizing and protecting my sobriety. This next tip might sound a little strange, but I think it's necessary, especially if you are new to this, if you're new to setting boundaries or if you're new to not drinking. practice saying no, and you want to practice Politely, but firmly. It's not a no and dot, dot, dot ellipsis. No, it's just no. sometimes friends may offer you a drink without even thinking this has happened to me countless times. And as mentioned, I was very sensitive in my early sobriety days and I would internalize that like, Oh my God, how could they, they know I'm not drinking. How could they offer me a shot or, you know, a glass of wine. They're trying to sabotage me. Sometimes people are not. I mean, sometimes they are, but sometimes people are not trying to derail your sobriety in the moment in party mode. They're not thinking about you. I wouldn't even overthink that too much. It's your responsibility to communicate. So practicing. No, no, thank you. I'm good with my soda for now. the key is to be Firm and polite. So people understand that this is a non negotiable situation because also when you're hanging out in drinking settings with your drinking friends, there may be people present who don't know about your sobriety, and maybe you don't want to go into all of that with them. So in general, you just want to have some kind of comfortability with no, no is no. And then lastly, Which I'll get into more later, but a firm boundary is knowing when it's time to pack it in, time to head on out. You have to know when it's time to leave. Your boundary might be as simple as leaving when you feel uncomfortable, if you feel triggered. Having a game plan like, If you are in a city where you drive driving yourself to the event, so you can exit whenever not being the D. D. necessarily. I mean, it's nice to look out for our friends in going back to that beach club at Scorpios. We had rented a car. I was the only person that drove. I was the D. D. so that wouldn't have been my game plan. But, you know, what, actually, in saying that I was having such a good time, but I think if I felt bored or over it, or just wanted to leave, I would have probably said something like, Hey, guys, I can see you're having a good time. I'm going to leave, but happy to pick you up. Like, I'll come back. Like, I love my friends. It wasn't far from where we were staying. Like, I would have done that for them. So just having some kind of exit strategy. Is okay, and it's important to prioritize your comfort and your sobriety.

14:42

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the-sober-butterfly_5_10-17-2024_073045: 16:39

​My second tip is about, and this is not always possible, but if you're able to choose your environment, choose an environment that is not solely centered around drinking. I like to offer alternatives to going out that don't necessarily rely on bars or parties. Feeling like you have some autonomy or options to suggest to the group is helpful. And I think that involves you taking responsibility and doing some research, don't necessarily look to others to. Make your sobriety comfortable or a thing. It's more, I think, on us to make sure that we're prioritizing it and communicating with people I have no problem saying to my girlfriends in the group chat. Hey I see you guys want to go to this place. Would you be open to trying this other place? Because I see that they have mocktails.. There's never been really a time except for maybe once or twice I can think of where it was just like, they really wanted to try this place. And, I can decide if I want to go if that's their non negotiable and my non negotiable is I want to make sure that there are options for me on the menu. Non alcoholic things for me to indulge in, then I won't go, I think it is important to feel like your voice is being heard. But once again, going back to communication, if you're not communicating your needs, then no one is going to do that for you. We would love to. Hope and assume that our friends will just be like, oh, Nadine, of course is this place okay with you? Or, hey, I already pre vetted the menu, but that's an unfair ask. And I have had friends do that and they are amazing people, but that's not the expectation and I don't think it should be. My third tip for you. Maybe a friend of a friend has invited you somewhere and you don't directly know the host. It is your responsibility as a sober person to bring what you need. And so my third tip for you guys is to bring your own non alcoholic drinks. I know that might sound weird, but I've done this many times. I've gone so far as to stick some Giyas, like the little canned drinks. In my purse, I'll pop 2 or 3 in if they can fit. If not, I'll bring a bigger purse. I've gone so far as to stop at a non alcoholic bottle shop. I know that not everyone has those depending on where you live, but in New York, I'm grateful to have options. So I'll run and get some non alcoholic wine, bring that to the venue. I'm finding that more and more people have presented with the option of a non alcoholic sexy drink, like in na wine or na beer, not just sparkling water, but something that's like fun, fun and has flavor people will want to drink that. I've bought non alcoholic beer to a party, stuck it in the fridge, gone back to the fridge an hour later, and all the N. A. beer is gone. I'm happy to share, but damn, I only had 1 beer. I would even say, maybe amending my boundary list is like, if I bring a bottle of any wine or nonalcoholic beer, letting people know hey, you're welcome to try, but also leave me some because I'm not about to drink what you guys have going on over here. So communicate and also bring what you need.

the-sober-butterfly_6_10-17-2024_073804: 20:01

Tip number four, you need to have an exit strategy. I touched on this before. It's okay to leave early. It's okay to step away. It's okay to call a trusted friend. Call your sponsor, text your sponsor, text another sober person. All of these things are okay. You don't need permission and if you feel uncomfortable, you don't have to, you don't have to sit in that condition of uncomfortability, you can remove yourself from that setting and because you're following these tips, you've already communicated your boundaries with people. You don't have to Also have to explain yourself if you need to leave or step out and as someone that has been, you know, accused of being an over planner, I will say that I have created a safety plan. I won't get into all right now, but I created my safety plan pretty early in sobriety. I needed that. It was a part of my sober toolbox. I recommend that you consider creating 1 yourself, especially if you're earlier in your sobriety or your sober journey, and maybe I'll do another episode where I go in depth around what that safety plan can look like, So having an exit strategy can include other people. I would let whoever I was riding with or Ubering with know that hey, I might need to go home on my own and let them know that That it's their responsibility to get home as well, because also going out with drinking friends, if they get to that place of being inebriated, you do want to look out. I owe my life to so many people who have looked out for me when I've gotten too drunk. So kind of communicating that as a part of your boundary ahead of time, or a part of your safety plan ahead of time is like, hey, if I need to leave, I need to leave. So planting that seed for them to like, maybe not get wasted and expect me to take care of you is helpful as well. And I hope that doesn't sound cold or callous. I've never left a friend in dire need who was, you know, sloppily drunk, but also. My sobriety is my responsibility and my priority and if I feel like it's time to go, I will communicate that with someone and more recently I went out with a friend and we were at a club and I wasn't feeling it anymore. It was closing time and, you know, things were becoming a lot and she was drunk and I had said to her, look, I'm ready to go. I don't want to stop your fun. But I also don't want to leave you. Is it okay if we leave? And she asked for like a few more minutes. She's like, okay, I'm almost ready to go. Can we have like 10 more minutes? And I was like, that's fair. We can do 10 more minutes. And then we did after 10 minutes leave. even in her inebriated state, I was still able to rationalize because prior to her being drunk, I had communicated like, Hey, if I need to go, I need to go. I wasn't expecting her to get as like drunk as she was. She was also staying with me. So that's another thing, but I wasn't expecting her to, you know, get to that level, but once she did, I still felt confident enough. To take the reins here. I think that we need to go. I'm uncomfortable and we've been here for a really long time. My feet hurt, everyone's drunk and I don't know what you're doing right now. So let's bounce. And she, you know, was cool with it. So having an exit strategy can include other people. And so anyway, back to my exit strategy that I had from my early sober days, it was leaving whenever, it was basically Irish exit all the way.

the-sober-butterfly_7_10-17-2024_074443: 23:41

think the Irish exit gets a bad rap but there's also a soft Irish exit. Which I employ, I think more often now, like, I, I'm a very polite person, so I feel bad just bouncing now. Don't get me wrong. I will bounce if I need to without communicating. And if everyone's drunk, like, I don't think they even really care or notice, but a prime example is, if I came with my very close friend and they're expecting to go home with me, I'm not going to bounce and not communicate. So I do think the soft Irish exit is a thing and we can make it a thing if it's not. And that would just look like telling someone you're not asking them, you're telling them, this is what I need to do. Are you with me? If you're not with me by, and even if they're not coming with you saying goodbye to people. You can say goodbye and still leave and not explain yourself. Love you guys. Had so much fun. See you later I think that is fine And it doesn't need to be this whole like Now I'm gonna have a five minute conversation with each person at the bar hugging and kissing and oh my god I love you so much. I'll see you next time. No, it's just like collectively group. Love you. Gotta go. Bye

the-sober-butterfly_8_10-17-2024_074640: 24:50

So we talked about some tips and strategies for hanging out with drunk friends. A quick rundown of those tips. Tip number one, set boundaries early. Tip two, choose your environment. Tip three, bring your own non alcoholic drinks. And tip number four was having an exit strategy. So, my fifth and final tip for you guys is to keep perspective. Always remember why you chose sobriety. We are sober for different reasons, but keep that close to your heart because if your friends truly value you, they will respect your choice. And it's okay to not always be the life of the party anymore. Especially if you're prioritizing your well being, I still like to think I'm the life of the party, though. I'm not gonna lie. Like, I, I am just naturally wild and carefree and crazy. So not having the social lubricant of alcohol is actually made me more fun. I think because before I used to get too, too crazy to too wild and often go into apology mode the next day for doing too much. Anyway, tip 5, keep perspective remembering your why, remembering why you chose sobriety can help you navigate other situations, especially in drinking settings, like peer pressure related, or FOMO related. If friends or friends of friends are being pushy about, Oh, just have one and blah, blah, blah. No, it's just, no, it's that firm and polite. No, no, thank you. I'm good with what I have. If you need to be more assertive, then you can be more assertive, but I don't feel pressured anymore. My close, close friends wouldn't pressure me, um, at this stage three years in, but when I was in those early days of sobriety and still figuring out, I wasn't even calling it really sobriety when I first, first quit drinking. So, like, they were testing my limits. They were. Questioning whether or not I was serious about sobriety. So now the peer pressure doesn't really exist for me., and that's because I have perspective. I know what my life looked like before I quit drinking. I know what it looks like today. And it's just no, thank you. Also FOMO, I think, can creep in. I don't have FOMO anymore because I'm still out in these streets, but missing out FOMO, fear of missing out. Well, what are you missing out on? Treat hanging out with your drinking friends like a social experiment. I love to put on my sociologist hat and just observe, watch and look at what's going on around you. And I'm very imaginative. So I'm like, oh, I can imagine what I would be doing right now if I were drinking. And it's funny to me. I would be 10 times worse than all of the people around me if I were still drinking. So you're not missing out on anything as a point of making here and you can still be social. You can still dance, you can still have great conversation and play games without drinking.

the-sober-butterfly_9_10-17-2024_075151: 28:01

Okay, guys, thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of the sober butterfly. I hope that I gave you some good insights into how you can hang out with drinking friends. I encourage you to try some of these as mentioned and feel free to report back via social media. You can find me at the periodsoberbythefly on Instagram. Or you can find me on Tick Tock at the Sober Butterfly. My contacts are all in the show notes, so feel free to reach out and let me know how it went. As we wind down, I just want to remind you and reassure you that it's totally normal to feel a little bit out of place or out of depth. The 1st time that you go out with your drinking friends, I promise you with time and with practice, you will discover what works best for you and it will help you maintain those relationships. And just to reiterate, you're preserving relationships that add value to your life. We're not just hanging out with people for the sake of hanging out with people who are drinking sobriety does not mean that you have to lose your social life. It's just redefining it on your own terms. Okay, so that's all I got for you guys today. Thank you so much for tuning in. If you enjoyed today's episode, make sure to subscribe, share, and leave a five star review. Remember, you can have fun and keep your friendships alive. All while living your best sober life. I'll catch you next time.