The Sober Butterfly Podcast
Welcome to The Sober Butterfly podcast! Unfiltered shares about sobriety, recovery journeys, self-care/wellness tips and compelling stories, hosted by Nadine Mulvina.
The Sober Butterfly Podcast
Aries Energy in Recovery: Frankie's Sobriety Story of Transformation
In this episode of the Sober Butterfly podcast, host Nadine Mulvina interviews Frankie, a successful hairdresser who has been sober for over ten years. The discussion delves into how their Aries zodiac traits, such as boldness and impulsivity, influenced both their addiction and recovery journeys. Frankie shares raw insights into her past struggles with addiction, violent behaviors, and the spiritual awakening that led her to sobriety. The episode also touches on the significance of spirituality, the importance of facing one's inner child, and the rewarding aspects of living a sober life, including genuine connections and newfound hobbies. The conversation is filled with wisdom, humor, and a powerful message of hope for anyone on the path to sobriety or curious about changing their relationship with alcohol.
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Hello. Hello. And welcome to the Sober Butterfly podcast. I'm your host, Nadine Mulvina. And I'm thrilled to bring you today's episode featuring the incredible Frankie Frankie is a talented and successful hairdresser who has been sober for over 10 years. Not only do Frankie and I share a love. for sobriety, but we're also both Aries watch out in this episode. We explore how our fiery sunshine traits think boldness, passion. And yes, maybe a touch of impulsivity have influenced our personalities and approaches to sobriety. Frankie gets real about her journey through addiction, reflecting on the violent and self destructive nature of her past drinking days, and the spiritual encounters and willingness to change that sparked her sobriety. So whether you're sober, sober curious, or just here for an inspiring story, this conversation is packed with wisdom, lots of laughter, and a whole heap of Aries energy. Let's get into it!
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18-2024_190708:I'm so excited to talk with you today. Frankie, how are you? Welcome to
frankie---they-them-_2_11-18-2024_190708:I'm, I'm doing well. Thank you for having me. I'm excited to have the opportunity to connect with you and just
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18-2024_190708:I'm very excited to connect with you as well. Do you think that astrology plays a role in understanding ourselves in recovery? I love this idea of zodiac and astrology and as 2 Aries. I'm wondering, do you think it plays a role?
frankie---they-them-_2_11-18-2024_190708:I do to an extent because I do think it contributes to some of our personality types. And I think if you truly understand astrology and Zodiac and know that there's so much more to it than what meets the eye. I know that during my time in Zodiac, Using, I would say that I used very much like an Aries. Um, I attacked things like an Aries. I think dependent upon your personality type, I think that manifests when I was using, and I think it's been interesting seeing how it plays out in my recovery. And how I approach things because I can be very headstrong as I'm sure you also can identify with that.
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18-2024_190708:I'm nodding rigorously over here. Okay, so for folks at home who may not be well versed in Zodiac or specifically to Aries, Aries are known for being independent, driven, headstrong, as you mentioned, but also impulsive. Also just for people who are unaware your son sign is your ego? Is that right? Typically, would you say the way that you present to the world?
frankie---they-them-_2_11-18-2024_190708:Yeah. I would say our sun is how we present ourselves to the world. It's the version of us that we like attack projects, people, places, things. Our moon is who we are when we're by ourselves. When nobody's around kind of when our guards down in our safe space, and then I would say our rising is eventually who we matriculate to in this life. that's why it's called rising. We rise up into that sign.
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18-2024_190708:I love that. And backstage, Frankie and I connected because not only do we both have our sun sign in Aries, but we have 2 air elements as our moon and our rising. And so I just think that's phenomenal because I think air signs very much go with the flow. And then obviously we bring that fire with the Aries. We can get into a little bit of that later, but specific to being in Aries. And I think this is a nice segue into learning a little bit more about your story because you mentioned that you think when you were using your Aries traits really came out. So I'm curious to learn what your relationship was like when you were using over 10 years ago, in regards to the substances and just how that impacted your journey and your decision to finally quit.
frankie---they-them-_2_11-18-2024_190708:Yeah. I think for me personally, like you had touched on we can be quite impulsive all in or i'm all out. I would say that we're not lukewarm individuals You always kind of know where you're going to stand with me i'm a very direct individual. I don't like murky areas And so I think it really manifested fully when I was using as well because like they say when you're using, it's going to bring out your worst traits, right? And sometimes our worst traits can also become some of our best traits. It just depends on where my focus is I find where I focus flourishes. So if i'm focusing kind of on that negative aspect So for me I wouldn't I wouldn't say that i'm a selfish person But I know that that's a typical trait of aries now. However, when I am using i'm very selfish I'm extremely selfish because it's about me, how much I can get, how quick I can get it, how fast I can get it. I don't really care who I hurt. I'm very kind of reckless impulsive. I mean, I can start off here, be over there, do over, you know? And I think it it really just brings out that, That part of me I can be a natural fighter, you know, like i'm i'm ready
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18-2024_190708:We're ruled by Mars. God of war. We're ready
frankie---they-them-_2_11-18-2024_190708:Yeah, i'm ready to go at the drop So I think when you're chemically altered like that, you're never really thinking clearly so if you're already kind of prone to Throw down I feel like that also intensified when I was using right because it was just like Now I have a reason because i'm angry i'm repressing all of this stuff. I'm so altered that it was just Just a constant war. I think of Ares as like, warriors. We're always ready to battle. Not to mention it's in the masculine side of the planet. So when you think of that, when you think of a warrior, you know, That's somebody who's ready to go to bat. And just like I said, in that flip side from when you're sober, you want that warrior on your side to go to bat for you, you know, but you also don't want them as an opponent.
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18-2024_190708:Yeah
frankie---they-them-_2_11-18-2024_190708:I also think like you said, we're independent and we're pioneers. So I think that also brought out a lot of my hustler mentality when I was using. I have a lot of street smarts. I think that's why i've been such a successful businesswoman for so long and you know I think when you grow up incredibly impoverished and stuff like that You really have to kind of fight for things, you know So I think that hustler me also came out when I was using I was good for an okie doke or two You know, I was I was good on just kind of Setting some stuff up plotting some stuff moving some stuff around and as you know ego Like we said that gets the best of us. So I think for me it was there was a lot of arrogance and how I went about things and a lot of cavalier Kind of energy and quite dismissive because it's like i'm smarter than you and that's why i'm taking advantage of you And that's your fault for being so stupid Like that kind of dismissive train of thought, you know, like if you weren't so stupid, I wouldn't take advantage of you completely not taking accountability for like me just having an insidious nature of using you, you know, like zero, zero accountability there.
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18-2024_190708:I don't think people may realize this Aries. We are the first sign. So that goes back to the idea of pioneering the way, but there's also an element of naiveity there or innocence because we are the first. And some people argue that we are the youngest sign, not technically oldest sign. So it's interesting to see how that manifest or comes to life when you are using. So I would like to use that as an opportunity to kind of backtrack and learn a little bit more about Frankie in early years. Like when did you start using? What did life look like? I want to unpack some of that because I feel like you've touched on some really amazing parts and I want to make sure that we understand what life looked like for you before you got
frankie---they-them-_2_11-18-2024_190708:Yeah. So, I come from the thought process that you're predisposed to the genetic, you know, Addiction like obviously trauma is like the gateway and expedites that but I say that because on Both sides of my bloodline very deep all the way down You can kind of see all of the addiction in the family tree You know You can you can point a name on the map and I can tell you what their DOC is and you know Everything about them. So I I grew up around Drugs and alcohol was very normalized around me. So it wasn't something that I had to seek out. I don't know if I was always cognizant of like What was going on around me, but I I definitely knew what that was when it was happening, when I think of how addiction is for me, addiction can be anything and it's an obsession of the mind and a compulsion of the body. Right. And I think that's how we're wired. And the longer I'm sober, the sicker I realize I am. And I don't mean that in like a defeatist way. It's just that I can see that pattern so very deeply, right? So I would say my first time checking out of my vessel or trying to alter my vessel and stuff like that was actually disordered eating, you know, it started as kind of a control thing, right?
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18-2024_190708:You're reaching for the control.
frankie---they-them-_2_11-18-2024_190708:And you'll hear that a lot in people's stories And again, I think that's some of the trauma. I think that's some of the The environment that I was in, I don't think I was in the headspace yet to maybe make the connection to use, you know, is just like, I'm uncomfortable, I'm hurting. This is what I'm going to do. I started very light just straight up marble red cigarettes I was smoking cigarettes when I was 12 and even then I can see The dishonesty part of my using because I would steal them from family and I would sneak them And you know, so already kind of creating this character, right? That is just learning how to crawl just learning how to walk, right? But I would say that I was abusing Alcohol and marijuana and other things. By the time I was 15, it was probably like my sophomore year in high school. I was dabbling, I don't know if I would say it was out of control. And I think I also dismissed it cause I'm a teenager and this is what kids do and I'm totally normal like that. But I can honestly say by the time I was 18 years old, I was a full blown alcoholic for sure.
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18-2024_190708:What was that trajectory like? Is it just the addictive, progressive nature of
frankie---they-them-_2_11-18-2024_190708:Yes
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18-2024_190708:Drinking?
frankie---they-them-_2_11-18-2024_190708:I think drinking is very normalized in our culture, right? and my drug of choice happens to be alcohol.
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18-2024_190708:Same
frankie---they-them-_2_11-18-2024_190708:So it wasn't like I had to go to some back alley, seek it out, forage for it. I could find it in anybody's house
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18-2024_190708:Yeah
frankie---they-them-_2_11-18-2024_190708:At any parent's house and any cabinet and any cover, you know, It just wasn't something hard to obtain And so I think for me I didn't touch it for a while because I think there was a fear Deep deep in the back of my mind that I don't want to be like them But I think I tell that lie that every alcoholic tells themselves so that they can do it Is i'm not going to ever let me become like them. You know, I think we start conditioning ourselves. If you will, we start conditioning ourselves to go into this sickness. And that's, that's the whole point of this disease, right? It's in your mind. So we start condition. At least I did. I start conditioning myself. Right. Uh, i'm not gonna let it get like them. I'm a teenager. I'm in high school. It's not a big deal This is what kids do Even though i'm dying in somebody's cornfield in ohio Like, you know because i'm not supposed to be at jennifer bruce's house, you know so I think for me What expedited, which gave my alcoholism full blown legs and started running was when I turned 18 and moved out because I was fully independent. I didn't have to answer to anyone. I. Was like waiting tables, doing the hostess thing. My house was the party house at night, just are very stereotypical. In my mind, stereotypical, let me preface that my mind stereotypical,
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18-2024_190708:Young, party girl.
frankie---they-them-_2_11-18-2024_190708:yeah, it was the party house. And it was just like, you know, we. We all waited tables and then we hung out with the cooks and the busters and You know, I call them all the b boys the busters the bartenders If there was a b boy around and you were a hot girl You've got definitely like some some privy to that and I knew that because again There's that hustler mentality to use, you know, so, yeah, I I would say that.
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18-2024_190708:I like to think of us being like opportunists.
frankie---they-them-_2_11-18-2024_190708:yeah,
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18-2024_190708:a hustler mentality, but it's kind of like, I'm scoping the scene. I want to see what I can get, but I'm going to bat my eyelids, smile
frankie---they-them-_2_11-18-2024_190708:yeah, I think it's it's just one of those things where it's like You What are my tools? What's at my disposal?
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18-2024_190708:mm
frankie---they-them-_2_11-18-2024_190708:And how can I use that? And how can I get what I want? And for me, it was always with minimal effort. What can I get with minimal effort? I know what I can get with maximum effort. What can I get from you by doing the absolute least? And if that, you know, meant it. Coddling you or, you know, acting interested or whatever it was. I'm gonna sit there and I'm gonna do that. You know? So I, I think for me it was that, and I, yeah, I did a lot of jobs that left me with no accountability so that I could use the way I wanted. I waited tables. I was a stripper. I was, you know, you name it. And I did it.
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18-2024_190708:yeah, want to take a moment to just make some connections because for me, alcohol was my drug of choice as well and it was the threshold or the point in which I could lose my inhibitions and then that led me to a number of other things and experimentation, but also similar to you. I think addiction runs, I don't think I know addiction runs in my family and. There is this where it's like you can feel a mirror being held up, but you delude yourself into believing that you have it under control. It's manageable. I'm young. I don't drink alone, and I'm not sad, you know, cooped up inside. Like, I'm social, and this is just for the time being, and I can stop when I want, but it's the progressive nature of the disease, right?
frankie---they-them-_2_11-18-2024_190708:Absolutely.
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18-2024_190708:with time, and nobody thinks that they're going to have. An issue. Otherwise, you probably wouldn't start. And so, yeah, I just wanted to share that. I relate to parts of your story as well because you don't like it when you grow up in an environment where you see people and addiction, whether they're aware or not. It's just something that is very distasteful. You're like, I don't want to
frankie---they-them-_2_11-18-2024_190708:It's gross.
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18-2024_190708:I'm not going to be like that. But it's almost like even worse because you are thinking that you can be better when you're in, you know, In fact, on the same path. So it's, it's a very
frankie---they-them-_2_11-18-2024_190708:Yeah.
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18-2024_190708:duality. I think that coexists where you see it firsthand, you live it. You don't want to be that way yet. You find yourself doing similar things. And then of course, one day you wake up and you're like, well, I don't have this under
frankie---they-them-_2_11-18-2024_190708:Yeah.
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18-2024_190708:anymore.
frankie---they-them-_2_11-18-2024_190708:in its ego. It's it's
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18-2024_190708:It's
frankie---they-them-_2_11-18-2024_190708:it. Cause it's condescending. Right. I look at you and I pity you. And I think, why don't you love yourself? Get your life together. Like this is pathetic. and all of my experience of being however, old 12, 11, 10 and, and having such a, A distaste in my mouth such a judgment thinking why don't they just quit or why would you do this or why? you know and then like you said you grow up and It's really hard to be accountable When you keep moving the line of unmanageability I think we all have these Imaginary lines that we're not going to cross when we use right for me. It was like, well, I don't have a problem because Fill in the blank or it's not an issue fill in the blank for me. It was like, well, i'm not I'm, not an alcoholic or I don't have a problem because i've never had a dui or i'm not an alcoholic and I don't have a problem because Whatever it is, right And then what would happen is I can't speak for anybody else, but I would get to that line And not only would I get to that line I cross it jump it double jacks like just flip over it and then just be like, whoa That line came out of nowhere. That's not even my fault and then I would move it Over to here and be like, okay, well, this is actually what unmanageability looks like. So it's really hard to have a boundary or some kind of rules grounding you when you are the judge jury executioner. Right? Like I kept moving the line of what it looks like. It's like, okay, maybe you haven't gotten a DUI yet. But you have been pulled over for drunk driving you have done like walks you've done sobriety tests just because you didn't Get a ticket doesn't mean that like you didn't you know what i'm saying? Like I was always hanging on to these technicalities these imaginary rules and again, nothing applies to me that doesn't apply to me. The rules don't apply to me I'm above the law like again, that's very like Egomaniac with an inferiority complex very grandiose Like that doesn't apply to me like it and when I look back I uh makes me sick because i'm just like the arrogance that one has to have to do that and the selfishness right like because I'm being very dismissive of my fellow beings, you know, that's existing on earth and I was just kind of self destructing and if anything got in my way Well, it was that person place or things fault because how dare you walk in the path of self destruction?
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18-2024_190708:Ooh. I got chills a bit when you were sharing that because I too didn't realize like my margin was very much similar to yours. Like, Oh, well, like I haven't gotten a DUI, so I don't really have a problem, but, I've also been pulled over multiple times and maybe it, maybe it is an Aries thing, Frankie. Cause my mouth, I can talk my way out of many, many, many situations as soon as I see it's a male officer, I'm like, Oh, I'm not even worried. That's the issue. I was just so cocky and arrogant and just like, oh, he's not going to, there's no way I'm
frankie---they-them-_2_11-18-2024_190708:never
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18-2024_190708:There's no way. Like I would literally tell myself it's a false sense of confidence. it is egotistical. And I realized that now, and I almost like, I don't have any regrets because I am here today as I'm meant to be. But I wonder, I guess, if I had actually been held accountable the many times I should have been, if that would have changed anything, maybe sooner for me, because I recognize I put myself in terrible situations. And to your point, thinking about humanity, why am I drunk driving? Why am I, you know, gambling with my life and with others? It's, it's insane to think how I operated from that point.
frankie---they-them-_2_11-18-2024_190708:And it was all the time I can't even you know, I can't even be like, oh well just every once in a while. No, I was a chronic drunk driver
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18-2024_190708:same.
frankie---they-them-_2_11-18-2024_190708:and there was an arrogance there because i'm a good driver whether i'm drunk or whether i'm not Well, you're you're not even a good driver sober like you don't even follow the speed limit sober sis like Why do you think you're a good drunk driver, you know, but again, I think it's that cocky aries nature of Who's gonna stop me?
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18-2024_190708:want someone to check me. Who's going to
frankie---they-them-_2_11-18-2024_190708:Who's gonna check me boo? No one
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18-2024_190708:honestly, no one did. nobody actually did until I checked myself, I guess
frankie---they-them-_2_11-18-2024_190708:I think people like us When you have that fire, we're charming, we're alluring, but you still know it's fire.
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18-2024_190708:Yeah.
frankie---they-them-_2_11-18-2024_190708:still know it's dangerous. You still know it's gonna burn you. So it's like, I can't speak for you, but it's like, I made damn sure that people knew that they couldn't check me. You know, I kind of made it known like you don't really want to go there, you know, like, yeah I wouldn't do that if I were you so then I think about the intimidation factor And essentially being a bully and you know, i've had to kind of come to terms with like again What does my using bring out of me? Who is that?
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18-2024_190708:Let's talk more about that because I love everything you shared. there was two sides of me, like fun, crazy, wild. That's the impulsive side, the drunk side. That's, you know, dancing on top of tables. I'll talk to anybody. I will get us into any club, any situation. I don't take no for an answer. Like that's my baseline, but especially when I was using so there was that side, but then. I could flip, I could snap very quickly. I think I'm very passionate. I think I'm very fiery, but like, maybe it's an age thing too. Now I'm in my thirties. I wouldn't define myself today as an angry person is the point I'm trying to make. But then when I
frankie---they-them-_2_11-18-2024_190708:oh, absolutely.
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18-2024_190708:was volatile. Like there were moments where it was just like, I don't know. I'm fighting battles. I don't even care about like, just for the sake of running my mouth or getting my two cents into the mix. And I just look back and I cringe, obviously, thankfully, a lot of those moments were blackout
frankie---they-them-_2_11-18-2024_190708:Right.
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18-2024_190708:I can't fully remember, but hearing stories from people's like, Oh God, why did I do that? So I'm curious to hear from you. What was it like when you were in the midst or the thick of your using your drinking, what type of. Profile. Would you give drunk Frankie or using Frankie?
frankie---they-them-_2_11-18-2024_190708:mean, I can relate to you. Uh, mine was very Jekyll and Hyde as well. And I always tell people it didn't start off that way and it wasn't always bad. Cause if it was, I wouldn't have stayed out as long as I did. You know, I think sometimes when it comes to addiction, it can be really villain and by no means am I trying to glorify it, but it's like, it gets vilified so hard and it's like, there was also some good times. There was also some fun times. I just had a hard time accepting that using is a luxury that i'm not privy to because of how i'm wired It's too expensive. I can't afford to pay the toll, you know, so my drinking started out fun and carefree But I can say that it didn't stay that way long because I pretty much was a blackout drinker off rip the destination was always obliteration that's why I drank alcohol or I'm sorry, liquor and shots. I didn't have time to waste, baby. We're blasting, we're blasting off, you know, we got to blast off. I can't drink beer. Cause then that slows me down. I'm swollen. I'm bloated. I have to pee a lot. I don't like wine. It gives me a headache and I get too sloppy, but liquor was just the winner for me, baby.
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18-2024_190708:Liquor is quicker
frankie---they-them-_2_11-18-2024_190708:Always.
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18-2024_190708:I have these nursery rhymes. Liquor is
frankie---they-them-_2_11-18-2024_190708:Yeah. You know, it was just like, here's to being single, seeing double and sleeping triple. That was like my shot, mantra,
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18-2024_190708:Ooh.
frankie---they-them-_2_11-18-2024_190708:every time I, every time I use. So, I will say when we talk about the progression of the disease, that's, that's very real. I ended up becoming, like we had discussed earlier, exactly what I said. I would never become right. I used like my mother did. My mother was the alcoholic that I grew up with and she could be quite violent and quite abusive when she was, um, drinking, she also was a blackout drinker, you know, cause she'd have no recollection of the night before what would happen so, um, as I progressed in my disease, I became. Extremely volatile. Very confrontational, very aggressive, very on edge, just such a tight leash. Like it just did not take much. And it took me a long time to really dissect what that anger was about for so long. And I think, now that I've had time to sit with it, I think my anger was about, I didn't let myself express any emotions. And so I think when I got drunk, that was the only one that I would allow to come out because it made me feel powerful and I think it made me feel in control. And it's like, what, what's the adage? Like if you sit with anger long enough, you actually take off the mask and learn that it's grief. And sadness anger is a secondary emotion
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18-2024_190708:Oh my God.
frankie---they-them-_2_11-18-2024_190708:anger is very much a secondary emotion because it's like here's sadness And I can be sad and vulnerable and I can feel the feelings that feels gross So i'm going to put that over here and i'm going to go ahead and pick up the anger because that makes me feel And control that makes me feel powerful that makes you know,
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18-2024_190708:Yes I can direct that. I can direct that anger towards something. You can't direct sadness towards anything. My journal? Please.
frankie---they-them-_2_11-18-2024_190708:I hurt so i'm gonna make sure Everybody knows it and everybody feels it and this is everybody's fault This is you know, it was poor me poor me poor me another drink, right? So so I think I I think that was the hardest part for me was Not having a range of my emotions. I was very spiritually morally emotionally bankrupt, and I think as I progressed and blacked out, you know, and when you're constantly living in a You A dead spiritual realm. I always like to call like alcoholics the walking dead because like the lights are on but nobody's home I always say that I feel like there's a vacancy Sign that's glowing above our heads when we're out using and I think dark spiritual things Drift in and out of us because we've essentially left our vessel and so when I look back at old photos, I get the I just get the worst feelings because when I look at that person in the photo, not only do I not know who that is anymore when I look at it, but when I look in the eyes, I always see two things and I either see somebody I don't know and I think who's in my body right there, you know, cause that's not me. I've completely left the building or I look and I see, you know, The sad eight year old little girl looking out through the eyes, you know,
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18-2024_190708:Yeah.
frankie---they-them-_2_11-18-2024_190708:think that is who was fighting when I was drinking that, that's, who was screaming. It was an eight year old throwing temper tantrums, you know, and it took me a long time. And honestly, a lot of healing came from that. I spent two summers ago doing a ton of inner child work and it consisted of me writing. letters to my eight year old self and talking, talking to them about just who we became, what our life looks like. So I did, I, I became violent. I was banned from many establishments. I ended many relationships. I lost a lot of friends. I don't, I didn't lose, let me correct myself. Uh, we don't lose anything. We choose to give it away. I chose to give away those partners. I chose to give away those friendships. I chose to give away. Those jobs those opportunities because nothing's going to come between me and vodka. And if you ever ask me to make that choice, you're not going to like it, because that was my everything in a bottle. Everything I needed to feel was in there. Happy, sad, mad, didn't matter. It was just like a magic potion that could take me absolutely anywhere, you know. So yeah, I, I became a very violent, very violent abusive alcoholic for sure.
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18-2024_190708:Did people ever come to you, or were people afraid? Like, did anyone ever say, I'm concerned? I'm worried. Are you okay? Do you need help?
frankie---they-them-_2_11-18-2024_190708:I think they tried, but I was such a festering wound when you have a wound, if anything touches it, It irritates it just the slightest piece of fabric could be could be silk, you know So, you know the whole talk softly, but carry a a big stick didn't really didn't work with me. They would say things like Well, maybe, maybe you should just take a break or maybe what if you, you know, I think it was always trying to do preventative maintenance, minimize. But I think people were so scared because they knew that a They did I would cut them off. I would just cut them off Like I I was so harsh and as much as I wanted to say that I was so open and non judgmental I was fucking harsh. So I think people who really loved me, God bless them because they were still willing to kind of go against the enemy and still try to hold a torch for my soul, you know, they could still see me in there. I think, there were still glimmers of me. I wasn't completely dead and it took me a long time when I got sober because I remember thinking that drinking had killed me and what I realized was that it didn't kill me It just put me to sleep for a long time. I was it's like being in a coma,
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18-2024_190708:Dormant. Yeah.
frankie---they-them-_2_11-18-2024_190708:when you come out of it, it's
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18-2024_190708:Yeah.
frankie---they-them-_2_11-18-2024_190708:man. My decisions are made by three individuals And and me my eight year old self who sustained a lot of trauma My 15 16 year old self who started using and then my 30 year old self because that's how old I was when I Got sober. So a lot of times in early sobriety. I really struggled because I would be like who's navigating this Is this the response and reaction of an eight year old child? Is this the angsty teenager or is this the 30 year old? Adult who really is kind of mentally 19. Trying to figure out what emotions are it was it was jarring because it's like I feel like one of those movies where it was like a blast from the past where like Somebody woke me up and I was like, what day is it? I felt so delayed I think every person has an area of their life that they are behind in right like mine was interpersonals Interpersonal relationships like I made a lot of sacrifices for a lot of things. And it was like, my business was fine. I'm good with that. I'm good with entrepreneurial stuff. I'm good with this, but feelings and like connecting and intimacy and emotion. I was an infant. So early sobriety was really hard for me. Cause I really struggled to identify what even emotions were. What was I feeling? How does it look? Am I feeling that in this moment? I felt so delayed and for somebody like us who thinks we've got it all figured out and we're used to being the best and we're used to getting it together. I felt so behind and it was the first time in my life that I cared because I'm like, people are lapping me, and the competition comes out as an Aries where it's like, how am I so far behind it? How am I so far behind in this area? It made me feel. So inadequate because it showed me what I really did sacrifice for my addiction. And for me, it was. Mental growth, spiritual growth, emotional growth, it was like I put a pause at 15 and then I unpaused it at 30. So it was, it was jarring for me. I had a really hard time in the beginning. I really did.
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18-2024_190708:Yeah. I feel similar in many respects. I also got sober at 30. I felt vulnerable and it wasn't comfortable. Let's just put it that way. I went through some trauma, in my late teens and I feel like I regressed back to that time. I cried so much in early sobriety, but I needed that. It was very cathartic for me because I had spent so many years not crying going back to those late teens, early twenties. I experienced a great loss. My dad died unexpectedly and I have never cried so much in my life. And then I was like, I don't ever want to cry again. And so my default mode was to repress and to not feel until I started drinking. And then I would unleash. The beast, so to speak. I would love to learn though from you, Frankie, what actually led you to that moment in time when you decided enough is enough. I no longer want to use, I no longer want to drink, I no longer want my, my personal relationships to suffer. rock bottom. Did that happen for you? Does it exist in your mind?
frankie---they-them-_2_11-18-2024_190708:You know as much as I'd love to think I'm just so unique and so special and so different I personally had my own proverbial rock bottom. I don't think that that's necessary for someone to get sober I don't think that that exists for every single person because it's my opinion that every rock bottom has a trapdoor There's always a way to get out of that,
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18-2024_190708:Yep.
frankie---they-them-_2_11-18-2024_190708:know, so there's always a way to get out of that.
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18-2024_190708:Or fall lower.
frankie---they-them-_2_11-18-2024_190708:Yeah. You know, when you're used to being down in the hole, you don't really care, you know, and I think that's what some people don't understand about being in a rock bottom when you're used to living in a hole and you look up and you, Barely can see a speck of light most of the time. You're not really concerned with getting out of that. So I think people have to be careful with the rock bottoms. I think for me what happened was. Like we had shared I was used to scaring people. I was used to making people uncomfortable I was used to blacking out those were my norms, right? That was normal for me where my progression of my disease took me was I started scaring myself And that was something that started to make me pause and I remember very vividly one time looking in a mirror and uh, As cliche as it is I did not recognize myself You I was looking at me and I thought, I don't know who's in there. I don't even know where I'm at. Like, I don't see anything, like I don't see anything. And, uh, It, it was jarring. I know I say that a lot, but that's the best way I can describe what it was like for me. And so, as I progressed, like I said, I became violent a lot towards the end. And My last night out, I, uh, getting ready to hang out with, at the time it was my piercer. His name was Sarvis and he was like this big 300 pound crossfit covered in tattoos, head to bottom. I grew up in Montana, like this big old dude. I just thought he was so cool. Like I, it wasn't even a romantic thing. I just thought he was so cool. And I was used to being the so cool person. So like, I was like, I really want to hang out with him. And we were, we were going to a party. And so I had picked him up and naturally it was a BYOB classy establishment. So we went to the place and got like our own little brown paper bag joints. And it was like, I got him like something. Small or whatever because it was like his birthday and I was like this is yours And then I have me like a huge thing and I was like and this is mine and like when yours is out That's yours. This is mine is mine. You know, so I do know For me my higher power or spirituality or whatever it is that you want to call it I know that mine has a sense of humor because the last bar that I ever got drunk in was called rehab And I think that that's super I think that's super funny. I think that that was Very indicative of like Live it up kid because this is this is the last stop. This is the last house on the left, ma'am.
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18-2024_190708:Yep.
frankie---they-them-_2_11-18-2024_190708:So, We drank there and I can I could handle a lot of alcohol. And so I think that that was Something I was always so proud of which again is so gross. Um I
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18-2024_190708:Same.
frankie---they-them-_2_11-18-2024_190708:I could drink grown men under the table and I, I loved it. I did. I, I loved a mask.
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18-2024_190708:I love bragging about that.
frankie---they-them-_2_11-18-2024_190708:I just, my hobby is always going to be emasculating men. So I just, I loved, I loved it. I loved it. And I thought I'm going shot for shot with this guy. Well, old Sarv could drink me under the table.
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18-2024_190708:Oh, you met your match,
frankie---they-them-_2_11-18-2024_190708:Met, met, met. And so we're sitting there drinking and I don't really have many memories from this night. So like I said, this was the progression of my disease. I was used to blacking out here and there. I wasn't used to blacking out for extended periods of time, like. Six hours, eight hours, we're talking holes, swish, I'd call it swish cheese nights, where there was just like Little holes throughout the evening, but for the most part I could piece it together Like I might forget having full blown conversations with some people or you know, whatever but like not whole stretches and all I remember is one moment. I'm taking a shot with him at this time Okay. So that's where we went from rehab. So then we went to the BIYOB establishment and it was drinking there and he starts restraining my wrist back like this. Like, and I felt like they were going to break and I come to, and I go, Oh my God, what are you doing? Let me go. It was, he was so strong and so powerful. And he said, you're not going to hit me in the face again. And I remember being horrified. Like I didn't hit you like genuine, no recollection. I didn't hit you in the face. I would never hit you in the face. Oh my God. What are you talking about? He's like, Frankie, you're not going to hit me in the face again. And I mean, he was restraining me and I don't really have much memories after that. The next memory I have is. Some guy telling me that I can't get out of my car because my car's on his lawn and I'm wrecked my car into his fence.
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the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18-2024_190708:Wow.
frankie---they-them-_2_11-18-2024_190708:remember driving at all. What's crazy about that night is my first initial thought was not, and this goes back to the selfishness, wasn't, did I hurt anyone? Was anybody okay? It was, how do I get out of here? Because I don't want to get my first DUI. You know, like that was my thought and I remember I was trying to get out of my door And I couldn't and I was so drunk. I didn't realize that i'm up against a fence And this guy comes out and I can't tell you anything about this man I I don't know what he looks like. I couldn't tell you his name his age It's like I almost can only see his pants That night and I remember I climbed over the passenger seat to have a conversation with this guy Because of my deluded drunkenness. I thought I just gotta explain to him that i'm tired and that I fell asleep at the wheel That i'm not drunk not like he couldn't smell All the vodka and all the shots just permeating out of there not to mention I was looking like courtney love slurred smoke and a marble red like Let me just have a casual, let me have a casual sig with you real quick while we unpack why I'm on your fence 2 a. m.
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18-2024_190708:Let's just sit down and talk.
frankie---they-them-_2_11-18-2024_190708:Get in here. Do you actually have any weed? I'm,
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18-2024_190708:In fact, can you drive me home because I'm, I'm so tired.
frankie---they-them-_2_11-18-2024_190708:so tired. I can't even sit up and he said hold on i'll be right back and in my mind I thought he's going in to call the police as he probably should so I thought I gotta get the hell out of here But the moment that actually got me sober wasn't any of that. I mean it definitely contributed But it was the moment when I was blacked out from What happened to me while I was blacked out in that moment and when I came out when I was blacked out So like you I lost my mother when I was 24. I lost a parent very young as well. And
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18-2024_190708:sorry. I'm so
frankie---they-them-_2_11-18-2024_190708:thank you. Yeah, and I that obviously played into my using as well. But I, I remember being in kind of a dark place and and this part's pretty graphic, but it is my story. It was like, I want your fucking soul and I'm going to take it from you. And I remember being afraid, you know, like very, very afraid. And I remember kind of coming out of that and thinking, where am I? What happened? And I got the smell of lilacs coming from the backseat of my car and it was like I could just tell my mom was back there. I could feel her I could smell her I could feel her I could feel my mother's energy in my car
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18-2024_190708:Wow.
frankie---they-them-_2_11-18-2024_190708:and You know, this is my personal again my personal experience So, you know take what you like and leave the rest for anybody who may listen to this. That to me I feel like was my first interaction with god or a higher power or spiritual being. I felt like this energy just kind of hover over my shoulder. Like it was almost like God was sitting bitch in the backseat and his hand was over my shoulder. And I'll never forget it. He said, aren't you tired? And it was almost like a parent talking to a child. And he goes, aren't you tired? Like it was a pleading. And He goes, you know how you've been wanting to die for a long time. I can promise you that this will be your last year on earth. It's really weird when you chase something your whole life, because that's what I did as though as a death chaser, it's really weird when you touch it. And you actually get to feel what death feels like and looks like and smells like and it's no longer a boogeyman under your bed, but it has a face. I was completely in terror and fear because of what I had just experienced. Then I had the secondary thought of, Oh my God, I'm going to get a DUI. And I just thought, I don't know what's happening right now, but I got to get out of here. You know? And so when that gentleman went into the house, I, Skirt tailed it out of there. And I remember doing, you know, all of the lovely things that drunk drivers like to do to make them a better driver. I rolled down all the windows. I turned up the radio. I'm chewing the gum. And I remember I had to. I was going to get sick. And I think it was just because of the the, the energy and the adrenaline from everything that just happened. And I remember thinking if I pull over on the side of this freeway and I throw up, I'm going to jail. And
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18-2024_190708:Mm-Hmm.
frankie---they-them-_2_11-18-2024_190708:there's a part in some 12 step literature that talks about and comprehensible demoralization, I believe is the verbiage. And I remember leaning down and grabbing the Brown bag. That covered the liquor and I remember laying it on my chest and puking into it While I was driving one handed with one eye shut and I remember thinking I don't think people are living like this. I don't think this is someone's normal Saturday night and not that I ever really cared about being normal But it was the first time in my life that I thought I don't know if I can do this anymore You know, like it's not fun anymore. It hasn't been fun for a long time. I'm tired. I'm very clearly sick. I was having so much illness towards the end of my using. And I just thought you literally just got a guarantee that you're going to die this year. And for me, I felt I'm an insignificant speck in the grand scheme of life and time, and I don't say that in like a Self defeating wages that i'm just A part of the you know the cycle and I thought for some deity, whatever it is Whoever it is, wherever it is for it to stop in the middle of what's going on in the whole universe To come down and have a a sit down with me a one on one I felt like to not heed that in this Seriousness that it was would be to spit in whatever that was his face So it was the first time in my life that I was open to a suggestion because I never cared for a suggestion Even if it's going to make my life better, I don't need you to give me any directions or any help or any insight on anything because I'm amazing. Thank you. So it was one of those things where it was like,
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18-2024_190708:And in Aries,
frankie---they-them-_2_11-18-2024_190708:I'm an Aries. I've got it. I've got plan a B through six. So that was my, that was my whole rock.
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18-2024_190708:can give you
frankie---they-them-_2_11-18-2024_190708:Yeah, I
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18-2024_190708:unsolicited,
frankie---they-them-_2_11-18-2024_190708:give, clearly I'm the most qualified person here to be giving you advice. So yeah, by the time I got home, I remember praying and I thought, God, if you just make me home and I was not one to do a foxhole prayer ever, but I just remember thinking if you get me home tonight,
the-sober-butterfly_2_11-18-2024_190708:Yeah.
frankie---they-them-_2_11-18-2024_190708:I don't think I'm going to make it. I'm going to change my life tomorrow. And I remember I literally fell out of my car, crawled up my steps, got into my bed, and then I woke up the next day and I had what I believe my first real spiritual death. And it was the shedding of a snake skin in my bed And I was writhing about and I swear to god. I feel like I was having an exorcism it was grueling it was I mean, I was used to a really bad hangover the next day because I was one of those people that didn't puke the night before even though that night before I literally did puke that was another like badge of glory, like, not only can I drink you under the table, I won't puke.
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frankie---they-them-_3_11-18-2024_202947:I knew that when I was ready to get sober, I was going to seek out a 12 step recovery program. I had grown up in a recovery program. So as much as I had grown up around people using, I had also grown up around people who are sober. It was like half of my family was sober. Half was still an active addiction. I wasn't that person that was like, let me Google if I'm a drunk, let me figure out where to go. Like I knew I was going to be at a church basement with clouds of smoke. You know, um, but I think it was different when I went in because it was on my terms. I always say like, you would have thought that I was court ordered to be there the way I acted. You would have thought that I was forced to be there as some people are. No, I went on, on my own volition. Now, granted it was the last house on the left for me. I didn't go into my local AA chapter on a win like, man, everything's going great. I've won the lottery. Everything's good. Let me just go see how the drunks in town are doing. You know, but I was ready because I was desperate and I feel like only the dying and the desperate know what that feels like. And I think when you're like half dead, I think you'll seek anything for like resurrection. I wouldn't say I was hopeful. Because I thought I was definitely a lost cause, but I did go in with a shred of willingness. I, I was willing to try. I was willing to entertain the thought. But I was convinced that I was too far gone, but I went in making sure that I was listening for similarities and not for differences. I was looking for what qualified me to be there and not what qualified me to leave. And again, I think it's because I wanted to get better. I wanted to live. I, At least wanted to learn how I, I wanted to give it a shot because I knew what the alternative was. And I was like, if this doesn't work, this is kind of it for me. Like, it wasn't a dramatic, like, uh, it was just like, I knew that. I knew that on like a soul level. Like, this is kind of your last shot kid. How do you end up in AA at 30 years old? You have made some wrong turns. Like, it was just, it was like, you know,
the-sober-butterfly_4_11-18-2024_202946:yeah, I don't actually agree with that, but I get the sentiment, which is like, how did I get here? I'm 30. I should be in the
frankie---they-them-_3_11-18-2024_202947:of.
the-sober-butterfly_4_11-18-2024_202946:of my life.
frankie---they-them-_3_11-18-2024_202947:Knew better. I wasn't supposed to be here. Right. I wasn't supposed to be like them. I said that this wasn't going to happen to me.
the-sober-butterfly_4_11-18-2024_202946:it sounds like a full circle moment, right? you see it growing up. We talked about this a bit, we're passing judgment from the sidelines, like, oh, like, detestable. How could they live their life like this? Not fully recognizing how easily it is to fall on the same path. And then when you're actually living that experience, think a big part of it is, like, partly self hatred and also, like, the
frankie---they-them-_3_11-18-2024_202947:Absolutely.
the-sober-butterfly_4_11-18-2024_202946:impose upon yourself because you're right, like, to your point. know better than anyone what that could look like, and we weren't supposed to get here. However,
frankie---they-them-_3_11-18-2024_202947:I'm so grateful.
the-sober-butterfly_4_11-18-2024_202946:what I think is also like somewhat unique is you kind of have the blueprint, I think the willingness piece is crucial, right? The biggest part of going to meetings as a newcomer, Or a new person teetering on the line of, like, do I have a drinking problem or not is the part where it's like, you hear all these people in a basement to your point immediately. Hi, my name is blah, blah, blah. And I'm an alcoholic that in itself can be really overwhelming and daunting for people. And for some, it. Closes them off to the process as a whole. So it's lovely for me to hear that. You were like, how can I find commonalities and
frankie---they-them-_3_11-18-2024_202947:Yeah.
the-sober-butterfly_4_11-18-2024_202946:in their stories? How can I find what connects us as opposed to what divides us?
frankie---they-them-_3_11-18-2024_202947:I was going in almost like a science experiment where I was like, I already know. I already know the hypothesis here, but let's just get a couple test samples to make sure I was there to earn my seat, and I knew that I had earned it, but I went into it to learn about my disease. I went there to really learn about what I was suffering with. What does it look like to live with that and not do it, not engage in it? I know what it's like to be active and live with it, but what is it like to live with like a dormant volcano? What are the precautions that you take, you know, if I was going to go on a hike on a mountain I've never been on before wouldn't I want to ask a guide? Wouldn't I want to say, Hey, what nutrients should I take? And where should I rest? And are there certain things I should look out for? Are there traps? Are there, you know, so I went into it really looking for help.
the-sober-butterfly_4_11-18-2024_202946:That's very un Aries of you, actually,
frankie---they-them-_3_11-18-2024_202947:I know
the-sober-butterfly_4_11-18-2024_202946:That's very un Aries of you. We would just be like, I'm going to conquer this mountain and I don't know, eat my dust
frankie---they-them-_3_11-18-2024_202947:I had been beaten into submission. you know, better than anyone for us to accept defeat, it's gotta be the absolute last choice. And for me, it was as dramatic as it is. It was death or that. So it was like, well, my way gets me drunk. My way makes me a drunk driver. My way makes me lose everything. My way makes me super sick. That's not working, obviously I struggle with authority so I had a hard time Really adapting all of the suggestions, but again, I went into it like i'm at least willing to try You know, it's probably not going to work for me, but i'm gonna try so I think my mentality Going in even though I was pretty rough. I was ready. I was ready to kind of find a way to get some light in,
the-sober-butterfly_4_11-18-2024_202946:That's beautiful. So, what was the tipping point for you? when did you actually start believing that there is hope for Frankie, believing that we can recover and we do recover, and that there was a
frankie---they-them-_3_11-18-2024_202947:you know,
the-sober-butterfly_4_11-18-2024_202946:the end?
frankie---they-them-_3_11-18-2024_202947:we're so like, we're so predictable. I really thought it was going to be an instant kind of thing. I knew there would be some work to be done, but I think I expected it to get better, quicker, faster. It was one of those things where like, well, I'm here now, so I'm doing the right thing, I guess. And, uh, let's move it along. You know, patience isn't my virtue. I struggled really bad in the beginning of sobriety because just because I was ready to quit using and I had made the choice to do it. To seek out sobriety. I was not happy about it. I was very angry about it. Like I said, you would have thought that I was forced to be there by the way I was acting. I was moody. I was pissed off and it was just, I couldn't believe that I had to do this. You would have thought that I had to do it. I didn't have to do it. It was a choice that I was making. What I was not understanding was that I didn't like the choice that I was making for my better life. I was making this choice, but I didn't come to terms with, I didn't like that I was making that choice. So I think I was very conflicted with that because I'm fighting my mind and my body. I'm fighting my mind and my body,
the-sober-butterfly_4_11-18-2024_202946:and just to be clear. The driving force for you showing up is obviously you mentioned you were tired, but for you, it was sort of like a do or die situation, correct? Like, you felt like this
frankie---they-them-_3_11-18-2024_202947:Yeah.
the-sober-butterfly_4_11-18-2024_202946:end. This would be your last year
frankie---they-them-_3_11-18-2024_202947:I knew that if I didn't get sober, that I was going to die because of my addiction and that it would be much sooner than later. I could see the sand going through the hourglass, I I could feel the limitation. I could feel it breathing on me. So that was my motivation. It really was, I'm going to try to fight for my life, I guess, which was so hard because I was so careless and so reckless with it for so long. So I was trying to expect myself to have appreciation and for gratitude for something that I didn't even care about for so long. You know, so it's like not only was I trying to get better, but I was trying to want for my life. And I, I didn't know what that looked like or how that felt. And I was so sick and irritable. So I think what was the hardest part for me was I thought that when I made that choice and I started going there, I thought the obsession was going to leave much faster than it did. And mine did not. So I struggled with that for a really long time. I was probably about six or seven months in. And I'll never forget it was summer out and I was in my home group and all I wanted to do was ride around in my car smoking cigs patio drink, you know, I had just gotten off work. It was a Saturday at a salon. I had tons of money. I was like, I just want to be where the people are, you know, um, And
the-sober-butterfly_4_11-18-2024_202946:Uh huh.
frankie---they-them-_3_11-18-2024_202947:know, the whole cast is there It's just a great day to be sober and all the you know, and it's a beautiful day and blah blah blah It gets to me and I said, well, I just think it's so fucking great that all of you guys are so happy and everything's so Good and yay for you. You don't want to drink. Good job. I want to drink I still want to drink and I remember feeling so guilty for saying that it almost felt dirty or like shameful for me I felt like I Shouldn't have those feelings, but it's like that's your default setting, Again, I I wasn't happy about it and so I remember going home and praying that night and just being like I don't know who or what or where you are. I don't know if you're real I don't know what anything means right now, but I know that you Brought me to this And I'm telling you right now, I mean, I don't think I've ever given an ultimatum in my life. And I just was like, if you don't take that from me of me wanting to do that still all the time, I'm going to blow my head off. That's how I felt. That's how I felt. I was like, I can't live like this. Like, It needs to go away. Like I will keep doing this deal. I will keep doing whatever you're telling me to do, but I'm telling you, you got to take that craving, that obsession away from me. And I mean, cause seven months in and I was Struggling, struggling, struggling.
the-sober-butterfly_4_11-18-2024_202946:powerful. That is powerful. Did you have a, um, did you have a physical dependency?
frankie---they-them-_3_11-18-2024_202947:There was nothing like that. that was one of the lies that kept me sick for so long was I don't drink every, I don't drink every day. So I don't have a problem. and my other one was lying to herself cause her liquor's top shelf. I was like, no.
the-sober-butterfly_4_11-18-2024_202946:not a bottom shelf bitch.
frankie---they-them-_3_11-18-2024_202947:I said, honey, go to the car and get the champagne. I ain't drinking their shit. You know, like I was just keep in mind my electric is off, but don't worry. Cause I got the bottle of Don Julio. It's okay. If not, I'll steal it from behind the bar. Who cares? You know? So, I just, I was having a hard time getting through life without it. I still wanted to do it. I S I still missed it. And what it took me a long time to realize was I don't even think it was that, that I was missing. I think I missed the lifestyle for a while
the-sober-butterfly_4_11-18-2024_202946:The chaos
frankie---they-them-_3_11-18-2024_202947:yeah, I felt like, what do I do? It was an identity crisis. I didn't know who I was without that. I, I had to relearn who I was. And it, it's hard when you think that you're this extroverted, fun, outgoing, crazy party girl, and you get sober and you realize that like, you're actually like very introverted. You're quiet.
the-sober-butterfly_4_11-18-2024_202946:And sad.
frankie---they-them-_3_11-18-2024_202947:Yeah, that a lot of your personality is actually like mental health issues, like, you know, like, you're actually just super mentally ill. Like, you're not quirky, but actually you have social anxiety a little bit of ocd You have some sensory issues.
the-sober-butterfly_4_11-18-2024_202946:Like I actually really need therapy and a hug and maybe some meditation
frankie---they-them-_3_11-18-2024_202947:You're weird kid, I think it was hard and Probably one of the best pieces of advice I got from our early sponsor was I said, I just don't know what i'm gonna do anymore for fun. Like i'm not having any fun What if I don't laugh like I feel like i'm not laughing. I feel like i'm you know, and she goes well How How much fun was it at the end? Frankie? Were you laughing a lot? Was it super funny?
the-sober-butterfly_4_11-18-2024_202946:Damn
frankie---they-them-_3_11-18-2024_202947:And I was like, bitch, do you know who I'm? And I had to think about it. And she goes, why don't you make a list of everything you like to do for fun? And I thought she was being a smart ass. And I said, what are you talking about? She's like, make a list of your hobbies. I said, are you fucking with me right now? I said, I like to get high. That's what I like to do for fun. She's like, cool. Well, that's not an option. So make a list. And so I did, I went through and I wrote down all the stuff that I thought I liked to do, and I started going and doing it in sobriety. And I found, I hated most of that stuff that the only reason I did it is because alcohol and drugs were going to be there. so I found it was that I actually didn't even have hobbies which was again jarring It's like not only do I not know what emotions are how to process them or what they are I also don't have any hobbies It was like having a lobotomy It was like damn. So not only do I have to figure out feelings. I have to get a personality. I have to get hobbies
the-sober-butterfly_4_11-18-2024_202946:You have to excavate your past and go back to the trauma from adolescence. It's a lot to process in one go
frankie---they-them-_3_11-18-2024_202947:it is. It's like going through puberty again just in your mind
the-sober-butterfly_4_11-18-2024_202946:Yeah. I resonate. you've touched on so many beautiful, difficult truths that I think I needed to hear. Like how we are all terminally unique. Like you think that you're living in this bubble. You think that you're the only one that's had these experiences or can understand and relate. And then like you talk to other people who just get it because we've all been touched by addiction in some way or form.
frankie---they-them-_3_11-18-2024_202947:Yeah, everybody knows somebody
the-sober-butterfly_4_11-18-2024_202946:Right. It's the obsessiveness. It's the compulsion. And even to this day, I'm still struggling through my obsessive compulsions. It just has manifested in different ways. We can talk about addiction transfer all another time, but it's the lifelong fight of just like managing and replacing with better, healthier alternatives, as opposed to drinking myself to death. An early grave, because I believe the trajectory I was on was very much going to be that because of the progressive nature, which we've touched on as well. 2 questions winding down question. 1. I know you had that moment with your higher power, where you compelled them, begged them, pleaded, please take the compulsion, the obsession, the craving from me, because I don't know how else to live. So I want to hear what happened there. And then finally, I want to learn just about the joys of sobriety. We know how hard it can be. We know how hard it is to get over to maintain sobriety, but you have 10 freaking years, Frankie. So I just want to hear and learn from you what that aftermath has been when you finally got sober and like, learn to live life again.
frankie---they-them-_5_11-18-2024_213436:I wish I could say that there was like a, an exact moment when that obsession left me. I just know that after I had put that out into the universe, that that's how I was feeling. And if I was going to continue on the sober journey that was outside of my humanness, that was not something I was going to be able to do. And I can't tell you like the day or the time of when it happened, but I do know that shortly after I prayed that prayer, it just went away. It just, I, I never really thought about it again. I mean, there are times, but that's more of me romanticizing being normal than anything, but as far as like that, I'm craving, I need to have it. That's not there. It's just not
the-sober-butterfly_6_11-18-2024_213435:beautiful. I love that moment. And I also think that you surrendering to a higher power, or to a spiritual being and recognizing that this is beyond you was helpful for you to finally get the solace and the piece that you needed to actually feel confident in your sobriety. So that leads us to our final question for you. Frankie, this has been. An ongoing process, 10 years of sustained sobriety. Congratulations. That is a feat that I hope to follow in. What has been some of the joys that you've discovered in your sobriety since
frankie---they-them-_5_11-18-2024_213436:The main joy that I really experience is like just being present, as somebody who spent their whole life checking out. I feel like now that I've checked back in, it really is just kind of those very, very small things that I think I enjoy. Like, I just enjoy coffee with my girlfriends. I enjoy being in nature. I enjoy solitude. I, I love that. I've learned the difference between being alone and being lonely. I've learned that I really am okay with my comfort of being alone. I think it's a sense of peace probably is the main joy for me. There's no longer that dis ease inside of me. I'm not constantly trying to distract myself from myself. I guess real like external tangible joys that aren't necessarily things I would say is probably, um, getting my two dogs. I think that that was a big thing for me. being sober, I was probably four years in and kept talking myself out of it because I think I thought that I wasn't responsible enough to care for something. so I think that that was a big thing. Giving myself braces, correcting something that I was so insecure about my entire life, and being able to have the privilege to do that for myself, I think was super cathartic and healing for my inner child. Like I said, spirituality is a big component of my personal recovery, and I don't think that for my journey, if I didn't have that, I don't know about my longevity, and I also don't know about the substance and quality of it for me. My life just works better when I don't have to worry about those kind of things, because there's nothing I can do except obsess over it. So, giving something over and knowing that I didn't come this far just to come this far to just be dropped, I think helps tremendously, like, knowing that, The path's already kind of wedged out. I just have to have that willingness to keep stepping, you know, and hoping that the stone appears and knowing that maybe it will, maybe it won't, but, um, probably my greatest joy and, and sobriety was getting into missionary work. That was a game changer for me, working with, orphans. And doing children's ministry has been, probably one of my greatest, like, achievements. I don't even know how to word it. there's not a lot of things that I've done that I've been proud of, right? I think we're really hard on ourselves. And especially when you feel like sometimes you're making up for lost time, but being able to be vulnerable and let. Not only those experiences, but those people in, and going out there and cutting the children's hair, using the gift that was given to me spiritually to do something for someone else and to not have the comfort of speaking the same language just to. Beings connecting, there's no inspiration photo. There's no conversation. you're relying on an interpreter and you're trying to use the only tool that you feel like you can contribute. And, um, that was like a really special, like, moment for me. So I think it's been the joys and sobriety for me have been. The actual relationships that I've made, the fact that people really know me and not versions of me or side pieces of me or masks of me that I'm super transparent and authentic at the same time. And I think my biggest. Take away from sobriety has been learning, like, restraint of tongue and pen, because I, I can pop off at the mouth but learning that restraint of like, knows a complete sentence, having those boundaries, just. Tools that I think I've learned that's some joy for me is just having these people in my life and having these experiences and having these memories of things that I remember and not waking up and feeling nothing but shame or numbness, or I don't know, it's, it's a very freeing thing. I've never been incarcerated, but I feel like that's what it feels like.
the-sober-butterfly_6_11-18-2024_213435:Yeah. And that sometimes is even worse because you are holding yourself captive, like you have the key, and it's locked away somewhere, and you can't maybe remember where you put it or how to retrieve it. But once you do, you feel free. One of my biggest joys of sobriety. I mean, the list is limitless, but it's the clarity. It's the being present. It's the authentic connections that I've made. It is redefining boundaries and what that looks like for me in regards to sustaining positive relationships. it's feeling as though I'm finally in control, but a real sense of control, not the false sense of control I thought I had when I was drinking. Like I'm actually in the driver's seat, no pun intended, and I am actually driving the course of my life in a direction that I'm. I'm proud of and I, I think I know where I'm going and to your point, if I keep showing up being willing to do the work, then there is no ultimate destination. However, I'm working towards something greater than me and going back just a full, full circle moment, with the Aries. Us being the sign of self and recognizing that me being the sign of self doesn't mean that I have to be selfish. It can also mean that I'm selfless in regards to contributing to the greater good of humanity. And it sounds like you're doing that with your missionary work, with your gifts and with your talents, because I believe that we all have. Fruits of the spirit that we can contribute to, society to others. And I'm just so proud of you for not that you need me to be proud of you, but I am just so proud to hear your story from where you come and where you are and where you're bound to go. I just see greatness from you and. You radiate light and positivity, Frankie. So thank you for being on the show today and sharing your story. It's really powerful.
frankie---they-them-_5_11-18-2024_213436:Thank you for having me.
the-sober-butterfly_6_11-18-2024_213435:And I've taken away so many gems, and I hope that others also, connected to you. How could they not? You're just so dynamic. That's the Aries of the fire. Another thing, and I'm winding down here, but like, we are direct, right I've learned in sobriety that I can deliver truth with kindness. Like, I don't always have to just say what I'm thinking. I can definitely take that moment to pause.
frankie---they-them-_5_11-18-2024_213436:a filter
the-sober-butterfly_6_11-18-2024_213435:A filter, yeah. That's exactly what it is
frankie---they-them-_5_11-18-2024_213436:I'm, like maybe I taste the dagger before I spit it, you know, like it doesn't necessarily have to be sharp. Those gatekeepers, is it kind? Is it necessary? Is it true? I try to keep those on my tongue because it can be true and necessary, but it's not kind and it can be kind and necessary, but maybe it's not true. Like I rarely find that it's all three. You know?
the-sober-butterfly_6_11-18-2024_213435:Good distinction. so Frankie, in case listeners at home want to connect with you, where can we find you? I want to give you this opportunity to allow viewers to connect with you if they want to get in touch
frankie---they-them-_5_11-18-2024_213436:I'm always, a listening ear and safe space for anybody to come to me to discuss anything like that. So, Instagram is always a great way to get ahold of me. I'm always on there. my handle is like hair underscore bitch, and that's what I do. Where you can find me and I'm a night owl. And there's nothing that you can say that's going to make me uncomfortable or, you know, anything. So even if you're just considering it or you have questions I'm a safe space for all come as you are
the-sober-butterfly_6_11-18-2024_213435:I love that Frankie. Thank you so much. And I will plug your insta handle in the show notes Thanks for coming on the sober butterfly
frankie---they-them-_5_11-18-2024_213436:Thank you.
the-sober-butterfly_8_11-21-2024_210155:What an incredible conversation with Frankie. Her story is such a testament to the power of transformation and the resilience of the human spirit. I loved hearing how her Aries energy played a role in her journey and how she's rediscovered herself through sobriety and creativity. if you enjoyed this episode, don't forget to share it with a friend who might need some inspiration today. Also make sure that you're following the show so that you don't miss future episodes. And if you're loving the Sober Butterfly podcast, leave a review. It really helps reach more listeners who are on their own sober or sober curious journeys. You can connect with Frankie on Instagram at hair. Underscore bitch. And of course, follow me, Nadine, at the period sober by the fly for more content around sobriety, self care and thriving alcohol free. Thanks for tuning in. And remember, sobriety isn't just about saying no to alcohol. It's about saying yes to the life you deserve. I love you guys so much. Catch you next Friday. Bye!