Unwrapping the Gifts of Sobriety: A Holiday Reflection 🎁

In this solo episode of the Sober Butterfly Podcast, host Nadine Mulvina explores the profound and diverse gifts that sobriety has brought to her life, particularly during the holiday season. Nadine discusses rediscovered time, the distinction between joy and pleasure, the rebuilding of self-trust, the importance of authenticity, and the significance of forming genuine connections. Interspersed with personal anecdotes, the episode also touches on practical mindfulness practices, healthy boundaries in relationships, and the overall transformation sobriety has allowed in her life.

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Transcript

the-sober-butterfly_1_12-11-2024_065412: 0:02

Hello, hello, and welcome to the Sober Butterfly Podcast. I'm your host, Nadine Mulvina. And in today's solo episode, we're talking about something really special for the holiday season, the incredible gifts of sobriety. The holidays are often thought of as a time of giving, and so I wanted to reflect on what sobriety has given me in return. Whether you're sober curious, newly sober, or a seasoned pro, I hope this episode inspires you to pause and appreciate. Just appreciate all the ways in which your life has changed or will change for the better. Let's get into it.

the-sober-butterfly_1_12-11-2024_065532: 0:46

One of the first things that came to mind was the gift of time, rediscovered time. Sobriety truly has given me back my time. Mornings were lost. To hangovers. And though, let's be honest, not having a hangover is amazing, but it's also the energy, I have more energy to use my time in ways that truly serve me. Whether that's pursuing creative projects like this very podcast, or just being fully present with my friends and family, I've learned the value of every minute and not to sound cliche, but they call it the present for a reason. It truly is a gift. And I'm learning to find joy and happiness, fun throughout the 24 hours that I have in a day. However, it was not always that way. I want to be real with you guys. I recall in early sobriety, feeling like time would just go on and on. I just felt like things were dragging and it's because my mindset was fixated on drinking or not being able to drink. I did learn how to reframe that, but it took some time. once I stopped feeling sorry for myself and really started to lean in and embrace my newfound sobriety. I learned to love how much more time I had to pour into myself. I'll never forget that first Saturday morning back in July, 2021 that I spent sober, I woke up feeling. And although, like I said, I wasn't happy about being sober, I had more time to devote to other projects. So I remember I deep cleaned my apartment. I read a book. I even did some meal prep for the week. And at the end of that day, I thought to myself, wow, um so this is what it feels like to actually live your weekend and not just be stressed or anxious or hungover from nighttime activities, which was drinking or partying.

the-sober-butterfly_1_12-11-2024_070018: 2:58

If we look at time linearly, looking backwards, looking forwards, A lot of us seem to be predisposed to thinking about the past. At least I was when I was drinking. Which would make me spiral. I would get depressed about things that have already happened. I would lose sleep over things that I did when I was drinking that I regretted. I would literally give myself the ick thinking about all the ways in which I embarrass myself or couldn't even remember if I embarrassed myself because I was blackout. And then, projecting things into the future, worrying about things that may prevent me from pursuing my goals. And a big thing that was preventing me from optimizing my lifestyle and fulfilling my dreams and goals was drinking. Removing alcohol and getting sober helped me remove a lot of those issues. But I also can recall feeling anxiety related to maintaining my sobriety and the irony of worrying about maintaining sobriety is that sometimes you can feel tempted to turn back to your substance or drug of choice, for me, alcohol, as a way to calm or quell the anxiety about the future. And I've talked a lot on this podcast with guests and in solo episodes about taking the moment to practice mindfulness, because mindfulness is all about bringing our thoughts to the present moment. On last week's episode of the podcast, I had Chris on, who's an author of a book that talks about practical measures to sustain or get sober, and he talks a lot about mindfulness practices that sense of awareness helps ground our experience and current emotions in a non judgmental manner and admittedly, it sounds easier than it actually is, but it is possible with practice. There are plenty of ways to get started. There are plenty of options from mindfulness meditation to. even he mentioned in the shower, just taking the moment to envelop your senses and really feel the water trickle over your skin And feeling the connection, the mind body soul connection, although Chris in that episode doesn't believe in spirituality, but for me, I do. So all of those ways in which you can practice mindfulness really will support your sobriety, especially if you're struggling with this idea of no longer having a substance to turn to. So yeah, the gift of rediscovered time. is priceless. I spent so much time when I was using or drinking or in active addiction, thinking about my next drink, like that preoccupation with when is the acceptable time? Because I was Delulu about my drinking, thinking in terms of when society deemed it was appropriate to open that first drink for me, it was always in the evenings after work 5 p. m. that preoccupation, didn't start at 459. That was something that was ongoing throughout my day. And then the actual act of drinking and numbing and, trying to lose myself or feel less inhibited or less stressed, using alcohol as a means for self care, and then the aftermath, right? Struggling with a hangover. I didn't always get hangovers because my tolerance was pretty high, but just even if it's a physical hangover, the heaviness that persisted from that moment on going into the next day and then continually being in that cycle was exhausting. And so getting sober helped me rediscover. How much time I actually could devote to other things as mentioned pouring into myself and then practicing mindfulness So I highly recommend Doing your own self reflection and if you are sober or thinking about getting sober Acquire some data, you know, it's really easy to continue to delude yourself. If you are not being transparent about how much time you are actually spending drinking, whether that's drinking at home or drinking at the bars or going out to parties, and if you were anything like me thinking about how much time you're thinking about drinking all of that adds up so I feel like taking inventory of that is helpful to drive decisions or feel really good about how much free time you have and like mentioned finding and I feel like taking Other ways in which you can pour that into your day, finding hobbies, pastimes, spending that time in true connection with other people. So first gift of sobriety for me is rediscovered time.

the-sober-butterfly_1_12-11-2024_070945: 7:33

The second gift of sobriety for me is probably one of the most unexpected gifts, which has been the ability to rediscover joy in everyday life. And this idea of joy is often misinterpreted. Many people confuse pleasure with joy, at least I did. So if you're in recovery, or if you're sober or thinking about quitting alcohol or your drug of choice a lot of that using is Undoubtedly connected to pleasure not joy, and I was a pleasure Chaser or pleasure seeker. Just so we have normed language, joy, I'm defining as a deep lasting state of contentment, fulfillment. It's something that's typically more internal, and it's Connected to something greater than yourself, so meaning or purpose and the source often arises from connection or gratitude, personal growth, achieving something meaningful, such as nurturing relationships or helping others, or maybe through spiritual practices and the impact of that is it will. Overall help with your well being and it will foster a sense of peace and this tends to be more profound and enduring Whereas pleasure I see is more fleeting or temporary. It's this momentary sensation of enjoyment or satisfaction. It's often more sensory or surface level and the source typically stems from some kind of external stimuli or experience that can be physically and emotionally gratifying, such as ice cream or physical touch or entertainment or, you know, Drugs and alcohol, but the impact is, as mentioned, it's a fleeting sensation, and it probably is not going to contribute to any long term happiness. A caveat here is that. It's easy to overindulge and can lead to diminishing returns and discomfort. So you know, in the spirit of honesty, I did experience tons of pleasure when I was drinking and engaging in other risky type activities. Activities and behaviors like that was pleasurable for me. If it wasn't pleasurable, I wouldn't have done it for so long. I was getting that immediate hit of dopamine as an inpatient person, alcohol was great because I was getting that immediate. Gratification, but it was also very transient. And so in summary, joy aligns with fulfillment and inner peace while pleasure is momentary enjoyment and both have their places, I'm not saying that. Pleasure is bad. Joy is good. It's just about cultivating ways in which you're leading to your overall well being it's essential to understand what actual joy is so that you can cultivate that in your life of sobriety and one of the ways in which I've been able to cultivate joy. And sobriety is through the little things. Like it's not always this huge prolific life experience, you know, getting sober is a huge prolific life experience, it doesn't always have to be this huge life event or huge experience. It really, is the little things. And for me, the little things in sobriety refer to small, seemingly insignificant moments or actions contribute significantly to maintaining my sobriety. like dancing, like Enjoying a healthy nourishing meal, like having meaningful conversations with loved ones, waking up, feeling refreshed, completing a task. I I'm a big list girly. So checking things off my list. It gives me so much joy, and back to early sobriety, taking it day by day when I was able to do something uncomfortable. Without alcohol. That was a little win that meant so much to me. So appreciate the simple joys of life that you may be overlooking it's always good to reflect no matter where you are thinking about the holiday season. Last year, I went to my first sober holiday party and it was a small gathering of maybe like 10 girls where we made gingerbread houses. I made my non alcoholic coquito that I'm very proud of because I used to be known in these streets for my alcoholic coquito. and everyone loves my coquito, whether there's alcohol in it or not, which is such a win for me. But that was the first time in years that I felt pure. Unfiltered joy, especially around the holidays. Oftentimes you'll hear sober people talk about how triggering the holiday season can be. There's an influx of different parties, holiday parties that are boozy. but also if you, you know, struggle with spending time with family that can be triggering, or if you are alone during this time of year, that can be really difficult. And as much as I love the holiday season, I would numb my way through it. I would drink, drink, drink. I mean, I didn't always, you know, Need an excuse to drink, but doing some excavation in my past, I realized that I probably drank more in this shoulder of the year around the holiday season than even summertime when I got sober. So having that moment where I was at my very first holiday party where no one was drinking, everyone was enjoying, you know, the experience of being in good company, I felt like a kid again. And it's so beautiful to think back to childhood because I loved the holiday season as a kid, and I was not drinking in adolescence. So just a quick reminder that you don't need a substance to experience joy, happiness or pleasure.

13:32

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the-sober-butterfly_1_12-11-2024_072022: 15:16

Okay. So another gift of sobriety is the gift of trusting myself again. Before I embraced sobriety, self doubt was a constant companion. I would question my choices. I would waver on my boundaries. I would struggle to honor commitments and sobriety has really been a catalyst for rebuilding self trust. It's empowered me to tune into my intuition. To uphold my values and to demonstrate resilience specific to self trust and sobriety boundaries in regards to my relationships, whether that's dating or platonic relationships, like friendships and family is where I think I see the most growth and where this gift of self trust is manifested. I've talked at length on this podcast about early sobriety, and when I first got sober, my therapist encouraged me to take a step back from dating. similar to other recovery programs like AA, they will often say don't date for a year. So I was celibate for a little over a year. In that first year of sobriety when I decided to get back out there and actively date again, I knew alcohol basically would play a central role in dating that could be a source of stress for me and stressors can lead to triggers, which can lead to cravings, which can lead to relapse. So I came up with an entire game plan because I'm crazy, like an actual play by play of how to honor my boundaries and reinforce my self worth because boundaries would waver because I didn't believe I was worthy of Of upholding them, and I didn't think that maybe other people would value that or I didn't think that other people would truly accept them. And so, you know, it's fine. If someone doesn't want to accept my boundaries, then great. Thanks for doing the work for me, because now. I know that we're not compatible and we're not going to have a feature together, When I was doing research for this episode, I actually came across a great resource that I will link in the show notes. And it's all about boundaries in regards to healthy dating as a sober person. This comes from a blog from Augustine recovery. What I like about this blog post is that it helps you identify your boundaries, each boundary is a statement of behavior. That you no longer want to act out, followed by an affirming statement of the behavior that you want to replace the old behavior with. An example of a statement that I no longer want to act out is I will not make them perfect. That was something that I would do. I would often try and see the best in people in relationships, even if there were, you know, red, pink, beige, all the color flags, all On the field, so I could change that behavior, that statement of behavior. I no longer want to act out, which is I will not make them perfect and shift that to. I will see them for who they are. So that's an affirming statement of behavior that I'm replacing the old behavior with another example. Of this could be, I will not constantly think about or fantasize about them. I've talked about limerence on this podcast So I replaced that with I will have a well rounded life where I will think about all the things happening in my life Main character energy babe, like I'm not worried or preoccupied about what this guy over here is doing Unless they give me a genuine reason to care kind of thing. So I, like I said, will link this blog resource in case you are looking for ways in which you can create healthy boundaries for dating specific to your needs. And I highly recommend curating this, and this does not have to just be for dating. This can be for relationships or boundaries, period. Because that will help you have something to reference, which will help you hold yourself accountable, which leads to self respect, period.

19:33

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the-sober-butterfly_1_12-11-2024_072022: 21:08

but basically, this dating plan slash these boundaries helped me, Appraise my worthiness and helped me with self respect and these small, consistent acts of self respect have had a A ripple effect. They helped me feel more empowered and more in control of my life. And this confidence translates into every aspect from career to lifestyle choices, and even my beauty routines without alcohol. For example, my skin is clearer. I have a very defined morning and. Evening routine where I take care of myself I've always been kind of vain. I'll be honest with you guys. Like I like to look good. I think I look good. I've always leaned into beauty. however, I wasn't. always practicing ways in which I could look good on the outside, but also internally. And so now my self care is more intentional.

the-sober-butterfly_1_12-11-2024_072850: 22:06

Okay. So this gift is probably one of my favorite gifts of sobriety, which is the gift of authenticity. Sobriety has given me the courage to show up as my most authentic self. A prime example of this is this very podcast that you were listening to right now and the beauty of authenticity and sobriety is that it allows you as the individual to rediscover your true self and create more meaningful connections that are not clouded by the need for external validation or substances and Getting sober is one thing, but that's not the end of it. Of your healing process. I found that getting sober was truly the beginning And the goal for me in getting sober has shifted. So at first it was okay Just don't drink duh, and now it's more than that. It's not just about quitting a substance It's about getting back the layers of the healing defensiveness and discovering who I truly am underneath. sobriety helps you remove the mask of addiction and experience life without the need to hide or numb emotions. In connection to Gabor Matei. Who is a renowned expert on addiction, trauma, healing, has work really emphasizes the importance of authenticity and belonging and what he argues is that addiction often stems from a deep sense of disconnection from Others, but also from yourself and he goes so far as to describe addiction as a mask that we wear to cope with pain, trauma, or unmet emotional needs. He traces us back to childhood. You know, we start putting on that mask in early adolescence when we are trying to connect to others or belong or fit in. And we know that the need for belonging is a deep core human need. We need to feel connected. We need to feel understood. We need to feel accepted. But so often in the process of longing or searching for that belongingness, we suppress our true emotions or we start adopting false personas to fit in or to gain that acceptance. And so that's the sticky part that I think. And tracing my own adolescence and doing my own inner child therapy and work in therapy in general, was really enlightening for me. And as you shed that mask of addiction, you can then begin to form genuine relationships and start building a sense of self worth and reconnection with the world in a more authentic way. So the authentic belonging is the foundation of true healing. Without the mask of alcohol, I've been able to embrace who I really am, flaws and all, and connect with others on a deeper level. And it's not always easy, but it's definitely worth it. Sharing my journey with all of you has been one of the most vulnerable yet rewarding experiences of my life. So thank you for being here.

the-sober-butterfly_1_12-11-2024_073450: 25:16

I'm going to wind down with the last gift of sobriety and truly limitless. Okay. I could go on and on. This could be a five hour Ted talk, but the final gift I want to touch on is the gift of authentic connection. Probably one of the most underrated gifts of sobriety for me has been the ability to forge and nurture genuine connections. I recently posted on my Instagram a reel about no longer being the party friend. I'm the, let's go to a show friend. Let's talk about our dreams and goals friend. The let's plan a memorable trip friend, the. Cry on your shoulder friend, the let's go to Pilates friend. Like I am so much more than let's turn up and have a good time friend. And I don't want to diminish who I was when I was using, cause I'm still that girl, like that girl still lives inside of me, but I can show up for people in a way that I'm proud of, because I think when you're sick, you can only extend yourself so much. I can only be there for someone to the extent of how I feel about myself. And I realized now in retrospect, that not only was I engaging in toxic substances, but also toxic. Behaviors and relationships and I can cringe a bit thinking back to the advice that I've given some girlfriends in regards to life situations they have going on, because I wasn't in the healthiest place there was never any malintention. It was just like, that's where I was, you know, like, I can only meet you where I am and I was not. In a good place. My ability now to be fully present with my loved ones. I can offer true emotional support to a friend, or I can show up as a reliable colleague. I'm more empathetic. I'm more dependable in dating. As mentioned, I've learned to prioritize. Boundaries and choosing partners who align with my values. I'm fostering healthier and more fulfilling relationships across the board. Overall. I'm a better person. I'm a better friend, daughter, professional. Today. I focus on authentic, meaningful bonds. Whereas before I. had less filter. I would just choose people who had shared interests. And it's great to like have friends who have common interests. However, you guessed it, a big part of my interests were related to drinking. And so I don't really have party friends anymore. I know people talk about losing friends in sobriety. I don't think I've lost a single friend in sobriety. I think I've lost acquaintances. I think people come in and out of your lives depending on the relationship I've had. No matter the depth in my past and will have, because I've learned something from that. And so, yeah, I feel great about all of the deep connections and conversations I have with people sharing vulnerabilities that, you know, I've never told other people or hearing that from others. And that level of openness and trust has reminded me that connections thrive when we show up as our true, authentic selves.

the-sober-butterfly_1_12-11-2024_073921: 28:25

As we close today's episode, I want to leave you with a little challenge. So we are midway about midway through December crazy. So two weeks left in 2024. I encourage you to take a moment this week to reflect on the gifts sobriety has given you maybe even write them down or share them with someone you trust. Gratitude is such a powerful tool, especially during the holiday season. Take a moment to reflect on the gifts. I've shared five, like I said, there's so much more. And in fact, before I leave you, I post a question on my story this week on the period sober butterfly on Instagram, asking what's the greatest gift sobriety has given you. And I'm so grateful to those who shared. So I'm going to share some of the responses. I didn't ask permission to share names or handles. So I'm going to leave these anonymous I'm gonna just highlight top answers. There's a lot of common themes and connections, but someone said Learning to love myself at my most authentic and vulnerable Ditto, that was one of my gifts inner peace grace self trust another gift that I mentioned purpose Self esteem, the ability to surrender the need to control. That's a big one. I could do a whole episode about surrendering control. my daughter, which I thought was so sweet. Um, and perspective. Those are just some of the answers that people shared. So thank you for sharing that with me. And thank you so much for listening to this episode of the sober butterfly podcast. If you enjoyed it, please share it with a friend or leave a review. It really helps the show grow. And as always, I will see you next time. Two more episodes to wrap 2024. Stay safe. Stay sober. And stay amazing, friends. Bye!