Breaking Up Without Booze: How to Heal From Heartbreak Sober

In this episode of The Sober Butterfly, host Nadine kicks off February with a solo discussion focusing on love, dating, sex, relationships, and self-love through the lens of sobriety. She recounts her personal experiences with breakups, both before and after getting sober, and offers strategies for handling heartbreak without turning to substances. Nadine emphasizes the importance of feeling emotions and shares professional insights on processing them.

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Transcript

the-sober-butterfly_9_02-05-2025_065227: 0:02

Hello. Hello. And welcome to the sober butterfly. I'm Nadine, your host, and this is your favorite podcast for navigating sober life with humor, heart, and real talk. If you are new here. Welcome, if you've been riding with me for a while, welcome back,

the-sober-butterfly_10_02-05-2025_065522: 0:18

so I wanted to kickstart this new month with a solo episode. It's been a while since I've done a solo. I've had some incredible guests on the show recently, and I will continue to bring those guests back, but I really wanted to set the scene for February. So this month we'll be talking all about love, dating, sex, relationships, self love, Of course, through the lens of sobriety.

the-sober-butterfly_11_02-05-2025_065943: 0:41

Make sure you're following the show so that you can stay up to date with all things coming this month. We have some incredible guest lineups for you with experts Personal stories. Everything is connected to sober dating and love. So make sure you're following the show. But today's solo episode is all about breakups. And I know what an introduction, what an introduction to the month of love, Nadine. I want to talk about breakups because breakups are universally painful. And I feel like no one is immune to a breakup. Like we've all experienced heartbreak. And if you haven't good for you, You get a cookie. Um, but for the most part, we know that breakups are hard. And what does pop culture What does the media tell us to do or message signal to us to do when we're experiencing a breakup drown your sorrows in booze. I want you to think of all the movies and TV shows where a breakup means a bottle of wine, tears, Kleenex, and a string of bad decisions. But what if we approached breakups differently? What if we actually felt our feelings instead of numbing them And that's the question I want you to keep in mind, feeling our feelings instead of numbing them, for today's episode. So let's get into it.

the-sober-butterfly_13_02-05-2025_070816: 2:09

Okay, butterflies. So as I was doing reflection and research for today's episode, I had to think back to my own breakups. And I realized that I would probably need to talk a little bit about what my life looked like in regards to breakups. Before getting sober. So I've been sober for three and a half years. I've been dating for about 20 years. So over the span of my dating life, the majority of breakups have happened before sobriety. And I think this is an important place to start because I also want you to reflect was your baseline. How did you respond to breakups? Before getting sober and if you're not sober, just think back to a breakup that you've had a significant relationship that ended and how did you react? How did you respond? So that's the question that I was using to kind of generate a baseline for how to approach today's episode, because obviously we're going to get into how to navigate heartbreak or breakups without a substance. But in order to get there, I needed to start from the beginning So I've had many relationships as mentioned, but I'm only going to touch on. a really significant relationship I had in my mid twenties so around 25, I entered my first adult relationship, I would say. we dated for two years. So this would've been from 2000. Let me do some math here. How old am I? from 2016 to 2018, I was 25 to 27 at this time. just to give you a little bit more understanding of where I was in life at this time, When I met my ex I was very much at the peak of my partying. Was in my party girl era, for sure, and he was older than me, seven years older, and so I changed a lot in that relationship when I say I changed a lot my drinking did not change I was still drinking pretty much daily, but I wasn't partying as much so in the two years we were together. I definitely Slowed down In terms of going out, I was not going to the club anymore. I was not really partying, now I realized with some perspective, that I kind of cut people off. Like I was so engrossed in that relationship and. We really didn't hang out much with my friends. I mostly hung out with his friends and his social circles. And as mentioned, because he was older, his friends were older. And so I was often the youngest person there and felt very insecure about my standing as being in mid 20 something amongst people in their 30s. So pretty much hanging out with people who are my current age. As a 25 year old felt very anxiety inducing for me. So even though I wasn't partying, partying, I was still going to like dinner parties and bars and just more adult or grown ish type activities. And I would drink a lot to compensate or try to compensate for feeling less or feeling like I wasn't in a station or position in life that my ex and his friends reflected I wouldn't call it a toxic relationship. We had a lot of good moments together, but when we drink together the same amount, It would be problematic like we would get into massive fights and towards the end of that relationship. We had some big blow up fights involving alcohol. I would say I drink more than him, but he also drank a lot and together, we were drinking when we went out and we would have fights in front of people, which is just so cringe. I don't know how you feel, but if you've been out with a couple that you're friends with and they're arguing or fighting it is so awkward and so we started to do that and it just was not good, especially towards the end.

the-sober-butterfly_14_02-05-2025_071851: 6:30

So I share all that to say that during the relationship, I relied heavily on drinking. And so it should probably come as no surprise that. When we broke up, I also relied heavily on drinking and for that breakup, I felt lost. I'd spent two years of my life basically changing myself to be with this man. I was 27, so I was still young, and I picked right back up from where I left in my partying. Not only did I pick right back up from where I left off, I went extra hard to make up for lost time. So all of a sudden, you know, I'm hitting up people, my old party friends, I went right back on the scene, I actually was the one to initiate the breakup. and even though I initiated that breakup was very painful for me, and I wasn't giving myself the time or the space to actually grieve the loss of a friend. This is someone that I truly loved and it felt like my whole life was disrupted and we don't talk about this a lot or I don't hear many conversations around being the person that breaks up with someone, I think, can be sometimes harder than being the person broken up with. it took me a whole year to finally work up the strength and courage and honesty to say, this I can't do this anymore

the-sober-butterfly_15_02-05-2025_072447: 7:48

And that's another part of it where it's like, there was no infidelity. There was no like abuse. There was no like concrete wrongdoing to where either party could like point the finger and say, well, you did this and that's why this is over. So there was a point in time where I questioned if I should have broken up with him. And I would go back and forth in my mind, spiraling, oh, did I make a mistake? I do love him still and, you know, what, what was I thinking? And so then I would go out to distract myself from those thoughts. And of course, drink way too much. And then end up drunk calling him and drunk texting him and even going back to his place after a night of partying just to feel that connection because we had built so much intimacy over the course of two years. I wanted someone that loved me and I wanted him to hold me and tell me that he loved me and tell me he would always be there for me. And so I kind of did this toxic dance with him for a few months until I'll never forget one day. I called him Friday night, of course. And I was like, I really want to see you, you know, I'm drunk. I'm slurring my words. And he let me come over we didn't hook up or anything like that. I literally crashed in his bed. And I think he held me. That was like something that I really wanted so desperately at that time. And then the next morning when I woke up with a hangover, of course, I'm in his bed, makeup strewn all over the place and hair a mess. He turned to me and he was like, Do you want to get back together? Are we going to do this? And I hesitated because a part of me did want to get back together, but bigger part of me knew that I did not want that. And so, you know, I can see the hurt. I can see the pain in his eyes and he's looking at me and he's like, what are we doing? Like, do you want to get back together? Like you keep, you know, calling me, texting me, coming over here. And that particular night, actually, he was out with his friends, so I like had made him come home. Early to meet me. Like I literally was like, I'm on my way to your place. I'm in a Newberg. I need to talk to you. I need to see you. And of course I had nothing of value to say, right. I just wanted the attention. Completely disrupted his night. So now the next morning he's asking me like, okay, what are we doing here? Do you want to get back together? And I, I said, no, as kindly as I could. And I could just see the pain that I inflicted. And I was just like, Oh my God, I'm toxic. Like I'm causing unnecessary pain to someone who doesn't deserve that. And so that was a really important data point for me. At that time, which is like, don't play with people. Don't play with people's emotions unnecessarily. That was the last time that I ever drunk called him or drunk saw him or text him. And so that leads me to my first tip in regards to how to navigate a breakup without booze or without a substance or alcohol, which is actually cutting contact, go no contact, whether you are the person that broke up with someone or you are the person that was broken up with, especially when it's still fresh in the beginning. You need to give it space. You need to give it time and distance, and I truly believe if things are meant to be, they'll come back, I realized not even just with, this ex, in general, my default mode is I want to be friends, I think it's an admirable goal to want to still be friends with an ex post breakup, but it actually can lead to more damage than good for you. Or for them, it can cause unnecessary pain. Now, of course, there are exceptions to this. but I think as a rule of thumb, you need to distance yourself. You need to create space. And by doing so, what you're allowing to happen is. you're regaining a sense of self. And as mentioned specific to that relationship, I lost myself in that relationship. I didn't know who I was. And so I wasn't allowing myself The space or the time to process my emotions without interference. Anytime I would connect with him, anytime I would get that validation from him, I was interfering with my healing. I was interfering with my progress quite literally. So I feel like. It's so crucial to detox from your ex because we can amplify negative emotions and detoxing, by the way, is not just, you know, physically detoxing from them, but also a digital detox, like hiding their stories or blocking them or removing them from your follower list or whatever it may be. Just not getting that constant update can make it easier for you to move forward. and that also extends to mutual friends that you two may have. this ex and I had built, a sense of community together. And so I was really close friends with a lot of his friends, girlfriends, and I wanted to preserve that. And hold on to those relationships so desperately, I was like, I don't want to lose these great relationships that I have formed with the wives and the girlfriends, but I had to with time. I had to because it just wasn't fair to me and it wasn't fair to him. And, you know, when I would get together with these people without him, yeah, we'd have fun, but guess where the conversation usually went. It went to me and my ex. Oh, like what happened? So that is my first tip. Consider cutting contact in all shapes and form post breakup.

the-sober-butterfly_16_02-05-2025_073540: 13:58

In general, not just specific to this ex my baseline when it comes to breakups is, oh, the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. this is a mantra I used to recite to myself. Like, I need a rebound. If a strong emotion came up, a pang of, Oh my God, I miss this person, or, Oh my God, I'm going to be lonely and single for the rest of my life, feelings that I just didn't want to feel, right? I would go out, party, drink, or set up a date whether I really liked them or not, didn't, didn't matter. It was just about distracting myself from myself, right? I thought I was distracting myself from my ex or from that relationship ending. But in reality, I was just distracting myself from doing the inner work to actually heal and move forward. And so rebounds were a constant source of solace for me. After that relationship, I started dating someone else. And we weren't exclusive or monogamous, but that was a rebound that ended up going into a year long situationship. And it was long distance. So I told myself that, oh, it's okay because, you know, he lived in LA and I lived in New York and, you know, he would fly me out and we'd have these great experiences together. But I ended up developing feelings for him. And I don't know if I would have Even really connected with him or dated him. If I had actually done the work post my real breakup. It's like, do you even like this person truly? Do you even like this person? Or were they just convenient for you in the moment? Because you are still working through your past relationships. So I did that a lot with rebound relationships. Like, Rebound relationships that have sometimes turned into real relationships when in fact, they should have just been that they should have just been a hookup But no now i've developed feelings unnecessarily for this person Now i'm clinging to this rebound relationship And guess how i'm gonna get over this rebound Oh, by getting under someone else. So that was a constant cycle as well that I found in my reckless decision making post breakups. All of these things were keeping me stuck post breakup when I was pre sober,

the-sober-butterfly_2_01-08-2025_164227: 16:28

And now a quick word from our partners.

the-sober-butterfly_25_12-24-2024_142305: 16:33

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the-sober-butterfly_19_02-05-2025_081827: 17:48

Okay, let's fast forward to 2023. 2023, I had my first sober relationship and breakup and was it painful? Absolutely. But I didn't lean on substances to cope I'm going to talk a little bit about what I turn to instead of substances, but once again, I feel like I want to set the scene a little bit for you. So going back to my first sober relationship back in 2023, or actually let's back up before then. So I got sober 2021, I took over a year off from dating and that was per therapist order. She encouraged me to really work on myself and date myself. And she recognized some of the patterns that I referenced earlier, which is this idea that I was constantly either dating someone or in a situation ship with someone or hooking up with someone. I had spent very little time with With myself and getting to know myself and I feel like that's a really important step in Sobriety, which is learning who you are your sober self. Who are you as this new, you know 2. 0 elevated version of self I believe because you're no longer being anchored by substances. So I spent some time following and Docs order and really taking the time to get to know myself and date myself and not distract myself with other people. Now it's interesting because in recovery programs such as AA, they often discourage newly sober people from dating in their first year due to the risk of relapse. And I get it. I think that that is a great rule of thumb. I don't think that you need to necessarily designate a specific date. I think it's an individual approach. Right? So for me, I took over a year. Um, but for someone else, they might not need a year. And actually we have some episodes coming up where I talk a little bit more at length about that. But it's funny because I often think back to sex in the city And that is one of my favorite shows of all time um, I don't care what anyone says but Rewatching it in my 30s Is a whole new experience Very different than when I first watched it in my 20s for example, my favorite character was always Carrie I still love her She's an icon, but I'm also like Carrie you were toxic as fuck Like she is a problem. Let me tell you this girl is high key the villain, but there's an episode that I'm thinking of specific to talking about alcoholism and Carrie pursues this guy who's an alcoholic. I think at first she meets him, doesn't know he's an alcoholic, and then he tells her that he's an alcoholic. And he's like, I'm in recovery. I'm in AA and I'm not dating for a year. I haven't, I haven't, Dated actually now i'm thinking back. Was he an alcoholic or a sexaholic? Now, I can't remember actually this guy was an alcoholic or a sexaholic or maybe these are two different guys But either way he was in a recovery program and The recommendation was not to date and carrie ignored that and pursued this man with such ferocity being carrie right and So she ends up dating him and then they break up. I can't remember who initiated but they break up and the guy Shows up to her apartment in the middle of the night completely wasted he has a full like street car named desire moment If you don't know what i'm talking about that play You By Tennessee. Williams I think his name is anyway, it's a play where like the character, you know this reference. He's like Stella like he's like going crazy and like this is what this man is doing outside of carrie's window in the middle of the Night because he's drunk and it's like yeah carrie. He told you he wasn't ready to date and you forced the situation so I always think about that in connection to Not dating in your first year of recovery. However, I'm going to amend that and say there's not a one size fits all rule here it's really dependent on being honest with yourself and identifying how much time you really need But a rule of thumb I have adopted and I will use as like a golden rule for post breakups. Whether you're sober or not, but I've learned this rule in my sobriety and after that first sober relationship, which is simply date yourself after a breakup. I talked a bit about how I was always like rebounding with someone to get over someone else. And I don't do that anymore. And from that first sober relationship I had, we dated for about six months in 2023. He was the first boyfriend I had after taking that stint of time away from dating and To be honest, I really do want to give a little bit of insight here. I wasn't ready To be in a relationship. So imagine I had been single for over a year and change I actually was really excited to date just date like go on dates and I met him pretty early in that process of just dating And we connected this guy is or hopefully he still is I don't know, but he was at the time sober And so I think that layer To him really drew me in But if I'm being honest, I think I was so excited to meet a sober guy that I kind of bypassed other things that weren't red flags. Like, he is a great guy. He was a great guy. And he was an amazing boyfriend. But like, I think compatibility wise, like, we weren't there. But because I was so excited. excited by the idea that I could be with a sober person and maybe we could be like the sober power couple or whatever. I went into the relationship. I was just like, sure. Like he asked me a few times to be his girlfriend. And then finally I relented like, sure, why not? But I don't think I was ready for a relationship as a point I'm trying to make. And similar to, my ex from 2016 to 2018. Similar to that relationship, I contemplated breaking up with him well in advance. Like I knew once I was in the relationship that while I enjoyed his company, I didn't feel it was going to last. And so when I ended the relationship, I carried some guilt there. I carried some guilt around, wasting his time and I felt bad because he, as mentioned, was sober and. When I ended the relationship he felt blindsided and I think in the heat of the moment like I don't actually think he meant this But in the heat of the moment, he was kind of like wow, like this puts my sobriety at jeopardy And I was kind of like dude, well, am I supposed to stay with you because you're triggered? Like I I'm trying to be honest here I will say though, a beautiful thing about being sober in a relationship and then ending a relationship being sober is that I listened to the inner voice. I listened to my inner knowing and I did not just, um, ignore. That feeling that I ignored in my previous relationships, right? Like I knew it was time to leave and I reacted or responded a lot quicker than I would normally respond. The clarity that I have in my sobriety gives me discernment to actually trust myself and my instincts and respond accordingly. And I didn't have that before.

the-sober-butterfly_19_02-05-2025_082844: 25:45

i'm not a perfect Person just because i'm sober. I definitely still had uncomfortable feelings that I wasn't necessarily looking to process or feel However, When you do hard things It shows you that you're capable of doing hard things. And what I mean by that is one of the hardest things I've ever done is get sober. and a part of getting sober includes feeling my feelings, feeling uncomfortable feelings and not regressing to my default mode, which is I just want to distract myself and I just want to drink and I just want to like do drugs, right? So I know that about myself now. I know what I'm capable of. And so, even though breakups can be really fucking hard, I trust that I have enough life experience to get through it. And even if you're not sober, I'm obviously thinking about this from a sober standpoint, but even if you're not sober, you can still have that self belief and you can still have that trust and conviction that you're able to overcome hard things. And a big thing that you're, you know, overcoming is feelings. Feelings are fleeting. I have to remind myself that all the time the best anecdote I could give or analogy here I could give is I actually love to work out, but I imagine a lot of people don't like to work out um, so imagine you don't want to go to the gym and You know that you have to go to the gym like you've signed up for a class or whatever So you're like I have to go to the gym at 6 p. m. All day You're dragging your feet thinking about how much you don't want to go to the gym because you're dreading You This workout and then you get there and you do the workout and even if it's hard when you're doing it You're like each step each whatever. I don't know what class you're doing Zumba. I don't do Zumba I don't even know why I said that but like imagine you're doing Zumba with each like movement. You're like, okay All right. This is kind of hard and awkward and uncomfortable and am I doing this right but also I'm doing it I'm here. I'm present Look to your left look to your right other people They look like they might not know what they're doing either or If this person over there looks like they know what they're doing when they watch them. You're really being intentional about taking inventory of your feelings right observing and taking those data points to then Make your next step or your next decision. And so that's how I think about dating And breakups it's like, you know, it's gonna fucking suck, you know, it's gonna be hard but also you Kind of overwhelm yourself around this idea of the feelings being hard, right? You're like, oh my god, like I don't want to feel feelings They're gonna be so hard to deal without substances. But like you're almost exasperating the actual Idea of the feeling before you actually feel the feeling because the feeling or the workout in this context It's not gonna last forever You know, you're gonna get through it because you're gonna tell yourself you're getting through it and then when you get through it through it, or when you process that feeling or the emotion, Oh my God, you can breathe. And actually you feel good, you feel better. And so that's kind of what I was doing. I realized in the past I was over thinking my feelings and not recognizing that nothing lasts forever. No feeling is permanent. I may feel like this one day and In this one moment and then immediately or moments later feel completely different

the-sober-butterfly_19_02-05-2025_083419: 29:25

I want to provide some like real insight from professionals here because when I tell you I truly had a hard time grasping the idea that bad feelings or uncomfortable feelings are going to last forever Like I truly believed that I was incapable of processing feelings because I was so overwhelmed by the idea that a feeling Uncomfortable bad feeling would overtake me. But here's the thing. Research conducted by Neuroscientists from Harvard and one particular study. I found that I'm gonna share with you guys is from. Dr. Jill bolt taylor and in her research she found that we are able to Let feelings go in 90 seconds 90 seconds 9 0 seconds and that's because feelings are meant to share their message with you and And then leave the body so this usually happens on average 90 seconds Anything beyond that may be you reactivating your thoughts so basically once you've allowed yourself to process that emotion and feel that emotion it has served its purpose And you can Set it aside, but what ends up happening is we overthink it we're so desperate to cling to control over our feelings that we end up chronically overthinking and that can lead to This perpetual cycle of you having these same feelings over and over again because you're not actually processing them You're like disrupting that process if that makes sense And so once I learned that we're actually only experiencing feelings You Good bad uncomfortable. This is what I meant when I said feelings are fleeting Once I started to recognize that I was like, okay I got to lean into this and getting sober has helped me lean into my feelings and actually processing Difficult emotions and feelings and one of the best ways you can do that is just be present be present in your body whether that's through movement or deep Breathing exercises. Something that's also helpful that i'm Giving myself permission to do which is something that I would Not like to do before is cry, I Am a deeply emotional person. I think i'm highly sensitive. I think i'm Empathetic and I can pick up on other people's emotions. But like crying is not something that I feel comfortable with but after every cry I feel so much better It is so cathartic to release Crying is something that I think so many people connect with breakups But like that was never I never wanted to cry That's why I drank and then funny enough when I used to drink I would have these Explosive moments being completely obliterated or blackout to where I could cry and it felt good But like I wouldn't let myself get there in my sober natural state, which is so crazy to think about but yeah Now I give myself permission to cry. It doesn't mean I will cry But like, I'm not afraid to cry is the point I'm trying to make. So, a part of me feeling my feelings could be doing deep breathing exercises, quite literally crying. Another thing that I do is I journal. I talk about journaling all the time, but I write out my feelings and I do not filter myself. As a semi reformed perfectionist, I'm like, I'm imagining I'm the next Anne Frank. That's a terrible example, actually. I'm thinking that someone's going to read my diary is the point I'm trying to make here. So I'm like, Oh, I have to make sure that all of my punctuation is correct and my grammar structures and my syntax and blah, blah, blah. It's like, girl, no one's going to read this, but you, um, just let it out. Just get it out on paper. be wrong right and when I say wrong, there's no wrong feeling or emotion It's just like be wrong even in what I put down on paper so that's something I do all the time and like I think Especially after a breakup, that can serve as a great time to do some deep reflection and think about the good, the bad, the ugly, There's usually two sides to a story, but you can't focus on how the other party views you. Um, you can't focus on, you know, Whether that person's mad at you, going back to me, like, wanting to resume or retain contact with the person, like, no, let it go, put it on paper, you're responsible for your feelings and your thoughts and how you perceive the situation, so that's what I do now.

the-sober-butterfly_19_02-05-2025_084217: 33:59

Another way in which you can navigate a breakup sober or without turning to substances is through community and connection. I think you can navigate life with a strong sense of self and a strong community in regards to connection. And we know this popular adage, the opposite of addiction is connection. But like that is so true. I think I've heavily relied on my girlfriends in breakups. And I think there's nothing wrong with that. But going back to pop culture and media and how usually breakups involve your girls coming over, everyone's talking shit. Oh, he didn't deserve you. And he's going to come back or whatever, right? We're all like connected and hanging out on the couch, but like, usually alcohol is involved and we think that we need that to share truths of the relationship, because so often, you end up oversharing maybe. With your girlfriends on the couch because you're drunk and don't get me started on if you end up getting back together with that person So don't recommend doing that. It's like no I have sobriety now. I can tell my girlfriends what I want to share Because I trust them not because I just want to talk shit like if I want to talk shit I can you know, write in my journal or I can tell my therapist who's a paid professional I don't need to vilify my ex or my Relationships, but also I choose to be in relationships in sobriety now that are healthier for me So that's another thing where I don't need to trash talk my exes as much because I have a lot more discernment around who I am Choosing partners who are better, And that's not to say I don't trust my girls, but like, I firmly believe that not everyone needs to know every little detail about your relationships. I'm just more mature in my thirties. But I connect with my girls because I feel feminine energy helps me unlock parts of myself my community very much looks like women uplifting and supporting and listening and congregating with other women

the-sober-butterfly_19_02-05-2025_084731: 36:03

So as we wind down today, I want to talk briefly about breakups, but breakups in regards to situationships. My personal feeling is that Sometimes situationships don't work out, can actually be harder than real breakups with like a real relationship. And that's not to say a situation isn't real, but you get what I mean. Like this person may have not been your official partner. And that's definitely something I'm thinking about because I'm navigating that as we speak right now. I I ended 2024 with an episode my 2024 sober dating wrapped, and this was number 12 on the list, so Mr. Best sex of my life, and I kind of left you guys on the cliffhanger because it was an ongoing Situation but It has since come to a close, I'll say, um, a close with an ellipsis, like, so like a close dot dot dot to be continued question mark. It was hard for me to get into all of it in that episode with you guys because, like I said, it was still ongoing, but also I was still processing a My feelings around that situationship and it was something that you know, his name is mr Best sex of my life for a reason like we had this insane Connection that I have never experienced before in my life and something I have worked on and am continuing to work through is distinguishing between Intensity and intimacy so we had intense physical connections Which led to more intimacy, um, because I sometimes have confused the two, but with him in particular, I actually feel like we had both the intensity and the intimacy. And that was really foreign to me. Um, imagine having the best sex with someone and they're like actually a good person and you actually respect them and care about them and want to grow with them. But when I tell you guys, timing is everything and sobriety has truly given me so much clarity. around releasing control and releasing expectations. I think of the serenity prayer, god grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can. And the wisdom To know the difference and the wisdom for me has come from sobriety Because when I tell you I did not want this relationship to end and I didn't end it. Um Situationship, I it wasn't a full relationship, but the connection that we built I did not want to sever the tie I felt like bonded Truly bonded with this person, not trauma bonded, but like like just this profound deep connection and it's insane because we haven't known each other for long. We've only seen each other I can count on one hand, but there was something, I think, spiritual there. My therapist always says, when you open your legs, you open your heart. I think that's somewhat true. That has not always been true for me. But in this case, um, Both my heart and my legs were open for this man And I really wanted it to work. He ended things with me, but it had to be done and I knew it had to be done. I felt it coming But I just wasn't ready and so i'm actually so grateful to him for having the courage to Be the one to say this is it I know who I am. I know my worth, I know my value, I know that timing is truly of the essence, just like I knew when it was time to get sober, you have to know when it's time to move on or when it's time to end things, and by doing so you can save yourself so much heartbreak and necessarily and I think in regards to situationships, what's so painful about them is it's the Romanticizing right? It's the what ifs. It's the oh I had built this up in my mind the fantasy of this up in my mind before I even had a chance to take flight And to grow or blossom into something real Um, but I know what we had was real even though we weren't really a couple and I know that You We needed to end the relationship before we ended up hurting each other. And when I say we, he, he ended it with me, but I finally heard him and accepted it as truth, because like I said, I felt it coming. We've had a few conversations around, can we make this work? And, you know, I was really pushing and you can't force anything. And it's so funny because my whole. Mantra for 24 was flow. Don't force, right? I'm not forcing anything. I'm not forcing any connections. I'm not forcing any relationships. I'm flowing. I'm, you know, pouring into things that bring value to my life and that I can help bring value into other people's lives. And I think we up to this point have served such a beautiful purpose for one another. And, Like I said to be continued. That's what I said in the end of that episode and it's funny cuz like yes We've decided to part ways but like also Left an opening for the future and I feel so at peace with knowing that I'm okay and Today this morning as I record this I feel good, but who knows tomorrow or tonight I might Be crying in my bed sobbing uncontrollably but going back to the serenity prayer. What do I have in my control? Well, I have my sobriety in line in check and I know that no matter what Drinking is not going to help me feel better And I also know, and now you know from listening to this episode, every emotion is fleeting and it's okay to cry and it's okay to mourn, but it's not okay to lean on a substance or delude yourself into believing that any substance is going to help you feel better about a breakup. It's not. I promise it's going to make everything worse. And then you're going to be cleaning up other spills in different aisles because you were too afraid to just work on the thing standing in front of you, which is yourself. Truly. It's not about the other person in the breakup. It's about you. You are only responsible for yourself. I hope this has been helpful. Um, what a way to kickstart February, the month of love talking about. Endings, but this is if you think about it an episode all about self love, right? Like greatest love of your life should be you babe. It is you and one of my favorite Sayings and i'll leave you on this note. One of my favorite sayings in life is give yourself the love you seek I'm, such a lover. Oh my god. I love love. I romanticize love but truly You're never gonna find the love that you deserve until you give yourself the love that you deserve. And so that's what I'm about and Next week on the episode. We're sitting down with Tawny Lara the author of dry humping She is the sexpert. So, of course, we're gonna be talking about sex sober sex Dating relationships self love all that jazz. It is your sexpert Sober Valentine's Day special episode debuting next Friday. So make sure that you are following the show and you stay tuned for that episode. I love you guys so much. I will see you next week for that Valentine's Day episode. Oh, and if girly talking about, Love and girls and you know me pouring into my relationships with my girls next week gabby Who's a friend of the show and a friend in real life We are hosting a sober galentine's day party in nyc. It's in the lower east side at Oh my god, I always say this bar's name wrong abby Abby's the owner. So if you're listening, i'm, so sorry. I call it hakate, but I think it's hakate hakate Hakate i'll link it in the show notes. We have About 20 girls already rsvp. We're gonna accept about five more So depending on when you listen to this the rsvp may be full but keep checking My stories on instagram gabby's at boost free dot nyc Checking with us Or dm us if you really want to come we are so fortunate to have many non alcoholic brands sponsoring this event So we'll be giving away lots of gifts and freebies as well as a few copies of dry humping by tawny So if you're in nyc and you want to come i'm linking the invite in the show notes as well But if it's full just dm me and I can see what I can do. All right. I love you guys so much Thank you for listening and tuning in every friday And if you enjoyed this episode subscribe, leave a 5 star review, and share it with a girlfriend or a friend who needs to hear this. Can't wait to see you next week. Stay strong, stay sober, and remember, you are so much more than your heartbreak. See you next week butterflies, bye!