The Sober Butterfly Podcast

No Such Thing As a Free Drink: Pretty Privilege & the Price We Pay

• Nadine Mulvina

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In this solo episode, Nadine explores the hidden cost of “free” drinks and how pretty privilege shaped her drinking experiences. From VIP invites to ER visits, she unpacks the illusion of power tied to beauty and booze, and what sobriety has taught her about self-worth. 

Tune in for a raw, reflective, and empowering take on how we trade our peace for acceptance.

✨ If you’ve ever mistaken attention for value, this one’s for you.
 🎧 Listen now, and don’t forget to subscribe, share, and leave a review!

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the-sober-butterfly_5_05-29-2025_063857:

I used to think when I was drinking that I was actually winning, winning. When I didn't pay for drinks, I thought that the world was handing me some kind of like reward or privilege for being quote, cute, you know this face card. Never declined, baby, but spoiler alert, those drinks were actually never really free. In my mind, there is no such thing as a free drink. I paid for them. I paid for them in other ways. Ways that took a toll on my body, my mental health, my self worth, my safety, my spirit. The list goes on and on. So today we're unpacking all of that, the unspoken rules of drinking while. Being pretty and I really wanna break that down for us. So we'll be looking at the psychological power of something known as the halo effect and the invisible costs that come with being perceived a certain way in drinking spaces. So grab your favorite non-alcoholic drink. This one is going to be personal, powerful, and packed with reflection. So let's get into it. Hello? Hello, butterflies. It is your host Nadine Mulvina, and welcome to the Sober Butterfly Podcast. The show where we live boldly, beautifully, and alcohol free. Today's episode is actually a solo and I'm so excited to jump into this juicy topic with you guys because we are talking all about pretty privilege. And whether or not you think pretty privilege is fair. I'm here to tell you that it's real, okay? And not just in the ways in which we see it exist today on social media like Instagram or if you're trying to land that job. It exists in many forms. And specific to today's episode, I wanna talk about all the ways in which it showed up for me in my drinking life. So nightlife, bars, clubs, that whole scene.

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you already know the deal, but I'm gonna break it down for you a little bit more here. So imagine walking into the bar with your girls dressed up, making eye contact with the bartender or with the club promoter or any guy really and poof. Drinks appear like magic You feel like you're not paying for it, at least not with money. But make no mistake, you're paying for it in other ways. So let me tell you how I thought I was winning at life back when I was drinking and leveraging my pretty power. So I, was the type of girl just to paint a very clear picture for us. I didn't wait in line like that was a rule of thumb line. Absolutely not. I am not going into the venue if I have to stand in line. I was that type of girl. I got into VIP sections more often than not. I got drinks handed to me all the time. Guys always picked up the tab. I thought that all of these things meant that I was special, I was desired, I was important. But looking back I can see very clearly that I paid for those drinks with my safety, putting myself in risky situations with strangers. I also paid with my boundaries saying yes to drinks when I met. No. That was a big thing for me, always saying yes to shots and things like that, that like I had no business consuming, my self-worth, you know, confusing attention with affection and thinking that someone may actually like me for me, even though they just met me. But really what they like is what they see. And my time, and I think that's probably the most valuable currency that I lost, which is lost time due to hangovers. Emotional, physical hangovers, anxiety, emotional recovery, and just regret exclamation mark

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And let me say this. I'm not here to shame anyone who accepts free drinks. I've accepted my share many free drinks, but what I am doing is inviting us to reframe what we think we're getting when we're being handed something for free in exchange for being looked at as an object of desire because nothing, and I mean nothing is truly free when it costs you yourself.

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All right, let's talk about pretty privilege. What is it? What is the power of pretty, and the way I wanna define it for us today is that invisible social currency that many of us women are conditioned or taught to leverage. Especially as it pertains to nightlife and bar culture.

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It's interesting. I realize now that I held a cognitive bias towards people. I also deemed pretty, I was reflecting and thinking back to like comments that even my cousin once said to me, she was like, all of your friends are really pretty. And I was like, duh. Like I'm pretty, like, of course my friends would be pretty, and I know how that sounds. Butterflies. So please do not cancel me. I'm just being honest with you guys. Like I would choose my friends girlfriends without realizing it, but I would choose relationships with people who were also attractive to me. Um, women that I felt like. My friend, I have a friend that used to say like, walk the mall with, I'm quoting her. She'd be like, oh, they can walk the mall. In the south where I grew up, like a lot of people, I. That was our activity. Like to go to the mall and think back to high school, like you would walk the mall to meet boys and that was probably like my introduction to peacocking to get male attention for the male gaze, whatever. I was literally the girl that would filter through my immediate circle, my acquaintances, my party friends to discern, okay, well who can walk the mall with me? Who is able to actually come? To this venue and it is cutthroat. Okay? It is cutthroat out here. I've mostly partied in New York and Miami arguably may be two of the hardest places, or not even hardest. Cutthroat places to be a woman, be a girl parading around trying to gain entry to these places where you're, you know, surrounded by beautiful women. So the competition, it wasn't real competition, but it felt like it very much perceived, real competition for me was always like, I don't wanna be embarrassed at the door. So I'm gonna make sure that I'm setting myself and all my girlies up for success. You know, getting into VVIP, skipping lines, all that Let's be clear. It's a form of cognitive bias that gives unearned advantages and preferential treatment. to those who are perceived as conventionally attractive. And while this privilege, you know, can lead to positive outcomes for those who benefit from it, it does raise issues of fairness and equity for people who do not meet the conventional beauty standards.

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It's a cognitive bias where we assume that someone is good in all areas because they look good or make a good first impression. It's why we trust the hot. Influencer selling butt cream. It's why attractive people who commit crimes are less likely to be arrested or face harsh consequences or public scrutiny. I want you to think of Luigi Mangione, and I think that this same bias applies to drinking culture too. Let me explain. So more recently on the pod, we've had Danielle from that S Glow and she was sharing, you know, a big part of her story, which was drinking culture in NYC being a party girl and that included visits to the hospital for alcohol related issues and how she was not taken seriously. Now, she didn't literally say like, it's because I was pretty, that these nurses are telling me that, you know, I don't quote look like an alcoholic, but one can deduce, you know, this is Danielle. She's a beautiful girl. So she's young, she's pretty, and she's, visiting the hospital because she's drank too much, And medical professionals, doctors, nurses not just men. Women too are looking at her and saying, oh, sweetie, like you just had a bad night. Like, this happens to all of us. I. Does it? Does it? Because I don't think it does. And that is an example of, pretty privileged backlash. It's like we cannot trust appearances, just because someone looks fine on the outside does not really mean that they're okay on the inside. And I had a similar experience happened to me when I was in college, so in college, in undergrad, I went to the ER twice. Yes, two times. Um, because of alcohol related incidents and both times I was dismissed. Story time butterflies. I was like 20, 21, summer of my sophomore year going into my junior year of college. I was bored. And for those of you who may be new to the show when I'm bored, I am dangerous. My therapist always tells me this, so I was bored. It was summer. There was nothing to do. And. You know, Tallahassee, Florida, which is super country and just college town in the summer, it's dead. So at the time my roommate and I were bored drinking in the day because what else would you be doing on like a Wednesday in the summer in college? So we were drinking beer. I remember pounding Bud Light, and at the time we lived in an apartment complex. And I. For whatever reason, I thought it was a good idea to try to climb from the bottom, so from the ground floor to the second floor where we lived. So we had a balcony and I just thought this was a fun thing to do and my roommate co-signed. And so the idea was that I would go into like the gar, like the yard part. Climb on the railing of my neighbor on the ground floor, and then I'm tall. I'm five 11, but not tall enough to reach the second level balcony where we live. But I thought that I had enough upper body strength that I could basically stand on the top of the railing and then somehow propel or. Push my, I can't even do a pullup, so I don't know what I was thinking. Like to this day I can't do a pullup, but I thought I could like somehow pull myself up and my roommate was standing on our balcony'cause she was gonna help me like grab my hand and somehow we were going to pull me up from the ground floor to the second floor where we lived on the balcony. I know how it sounds, but at the time it was the perfect plan. So we attempted this, and when I say we really mean, she was on our balcony so she can see what's going on from her vantage point from above. And I had a hard time even just trying to balance on the railing. So the railing, it's a railing. There's, you know, nothing to hold onto. So I need to have enough like core strength and coordination. I'm drunk. In case that wasn't clear. We've been drinking all day and I am. Not succeeding. So I fell two or three times, from the railing onto the grass, like fell backwards and it was pretty high. I wanna say the railing was like five feet maybe. Even higher. But I didn't hurt myself. I kept falling back and like stumbling and laughing and we're just like, oh, this is so silly, but also I'm not gonna give up. And on the, I wanna say actually it was two times.'cause on the third time it would be the third time it's a charm. Instead of falling backwards onto the grassy area, I fell forward. There's no screen on our balconies. So I fell forward onto my neighbors. Balcony, which is on the ground floor, but they had a glass table on their balcony. So imagine when I fall forward from the height, I'm five 11, I'm standing on a railing that's at least five feet tall. When I fall forward, I crash. Literally crash through that glass table and I fell forward. So obviously to protect myself, I put my hands down. So I put my hand forward to break my fall, and everything happened so fast. I remember hearing the glass, I remember feeling cold, like there was a cold sensation that ran through my body. But I couldn't figure out why the adrenaline was just pumping. I hop up, I know the, the, the glass is broken, shattered, the complete table is gone. I hop up, I'm like, oh my God, fuck. I just broke my neighbor's glass table. So I just hop up purely off of adrenaline and run. I hop over the railing and I run around the corner to make it back to our apartment. And as I'm running. I look down and I see blood trickling just everywhere and it hits me. Oh, I have cut myself, but I don't feel anything yet, so. I hit the corner and now I'm going up our stairs. My roommate, of course, had, has seen what happened. So she has run out of the apartment to, and we meet midway on our stairs and she looks at me and I, I would never forget her. Look, she looks mortified, she looks like she's seen a ghost. All the colors drained from her face. And I'm thinking like, girl, I'm the one that just broke the table. Like, what's wrong? And she's like, Nadine. You need to go to the hospital. And I looked down and there's just blood everywhere, blood gushing from my hand, from my knees. I'm like, no, we don't need to go to the hospital. Like, wait, it's fine. I don't even feel anything. So then we go into the apartment, I run my hand. It was my hand and my. Knee, my right knee still have the scars. Um, and so we're running my hand under the faucet trying to like clear it and it's just the blood is just streaming. And I'm sorry if this is super graphic. And so, um, my roommate calls her mom, who's a nurse and explains the situation like, Nadine just fell through a glass table. How do you explain that? And she's bleeding and we're trying to stop the bleeding. You know, we're compressing it, we're running water over it, and it's just, she won't stop bleeding. So her mom was like, yeah, go to the hospital. Go to the ER right now. So we go to the ER and I am the whole time in denial, but now the pain is kind of starting to set in. I'm like, oh yeah, like this hurts. Um, the, the drunkenness is wearing off and we get to the er. This is not how far I wanted the story to go, but I'm gonna keep telling you because it's actually a crazy one. Um, so we get to the ER and. Tallahassee, as mentioned, is a small town, so there's only one big hospital, or at the time there was only one big hospital and it just so happened that particular day there was a massive collision on the interstate. So I. The ER was packed. Normally it's not like that, but it was super busy. And when I walk in bleeding, of course they have to attend to me, but they're like, people were in critical condition from this accident. This like five-way collision or something. So the doctors are busy, so it's gonna be a wait, but we'll have a nurse see you so that she can patch you up until a doctor becomes available. So I go into one of the rooms with the nurse who's like looking at me. She's like patching me up and she turns to me and she goes, oh my God, you are so pretty. She was like, you look like Claire from my wife and kids. I don't, I don't look like Claire from my wife and kids. But I was like, oh, okay. Thank you. Is that supposed to make me feel better? Like I'm so pretty.'cause of course I'm telling her what happened and she's just like, it's okay. You're so pretty. And the Claire reference, by the way, if you've never seen my wife and kids. Um, it's a great show. She is the daughter of the Wayne brother and Tisha Campbell, and she is a ditz, right? So I'm feeling like this woman is profiling me in more than one way. She's like, you're pretty. So you get that pretty privilege, but also like, are you dumb? Like you're dumb. You're just, you're just a silly little college girl who fell through a glass table because she was drunk. I don't think I told her I was drunk, but like. You can probably smell the beer on my breath still. Um, so anyway, she patches me up and this is where I should probably end the story, but now I'm just gonna tell you the rest of it. I'll make it quick. So ends up, um, giving me, I wanna say like Percocet or something like that for the pain.'cause she also was like, it's gonna be a while since the doctors are in surgery. So she gives me a Percocet and patches me up and I remember. Breaking the Percocet in half like I've never done this before. Like, who is she? I broke the Percocet in half in my mouth, swallowed half of it, kept the other one, walked out the room, spit it out, and gave it to my roommate so she could also have a little buzz going then. You know, we're sitting in the ER and I start asking the staff, I'm like, well, how long do you actually think it's gonna take? And they're like, we don't know ma'am. Like, it, it's probably gonna be a few hours. So we leave the hospital and we go to our local drug dealer's house, chop, chop house, um, to smoke some weed. Because what else would one do? What else would one do, in a situation like that? So, you know, I am drunk or still have the alcohol in my system. Not like drunk, drunk, but definitely had been drinking. I have half a Percocet going and now I'm high. And then we go back to the hospital. Divine timing, everything works out. The doctor's ready to see me and he's patching me up. And when he looks at my hand so remember, I fell through the glass table. My hand is fucked up, my knee is messed up. And I'm looking at my, my hand right now. My like pinky finger. There is some kind of major artery that runs or vein that runs here. And the first thing he said when he saw me,'cause I needed staples. Or no, I had staples in my knee. He had to stitch on my finger. He was like, you were milli milli centimeters away from hitting a major artery or vein, and you would've but out and died before you even made it to the hospital. And I was like, oh, okay. Should that have been a rock Bottom moment, guys? Should that have been my clum to Jesus Butteries? I think not. So I just wanted to finish that story, but you know, going back to that halo effect and how it applies to that hot girl bias, it is just giving extending, courtesy to people who don't necessarily deserve it. If I'm being real, right? Why is it that attractive people are seen as more virtuous And why is it impossible for us to believe that a young or beautiful person can suffer from a real disease or disorder like alcoholism? I want you to think next time you're trying to evaluate another person, whether that person is running for president, because that's another thing guys, like, if you think about it, a lot of the presidential candidates that win are more attractive but anyway, next time you're deciding who to vote for, consider how your overall impressions of them might influence your evaluations of other characteristics And this is not easy to do, but I think having some awareness of the halo effect can help because so many of our biases. Help facilitate snap decisions which can lead to errors in overall judgment. So we just wanna be mindful of that. Pretty does not mean better. It doesn't mean that they are a good person. And the reverse can also be true, somebody that is, you know, conventionally beautiful. Doesn't mean that they are superficial or that they are obsessed with appearances or that they themselves. Think that they are perfect. In fact, the prettiest people I know are often the most insecure because so much of other people's perception of them is connected to their appearance, to their beauty,

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All right. Let's unpack the idea that there's no such thing as a free drink, especially for women. Here are just some of the hidden costs. I personally racked up, Ubers, I don't remember taking food delivery cost to recover from a hangover. There was a bagel shop that was. A block away from my apartment and more than once I have Uber Eats or delivered it to my apartment a block away because I was too hungover to get outta bed anyway. Um, lost keys, phones and dignity. Time, lost nursing hangovers, or shame. I. We've kind of talked about this, emergency visits and medical bills therapy to undo what happened while I was drinking. So I wanna ask you guys, what did your free drinks cost you? Butterflies.

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Okay. What I know now after years of drinking and learning, healing, and finally getting honest with myself, is that beauty is not my power. It's a part of me. Sure. But it is not all of me. I used to think beauty was this kind of access pass. A way to skip the line, get the drink, avoid the cover charge, and in many ways it was, but I didn't realize the real cost was deeper than anything on the tab. And now that I'm sober, I see beauty differently, so much differently. I, I know that I'm more than just a face or a body. I don't need someone else to buy me a drink to feel worthy. My self worth is not a transaction, and my new currency is peace, health, clarity, alignment, and these things are priceless. I invest in myself now in ways that actually give me real returns. Like sleep and skin that glows from staying hydrated, not hungover, and real connections and a life that just feels like mine, not a performance. And listen, if you are in a season where you still associate beauty with value, or if you are chasing that high of a free drink and the attention that comes with it, I get it. I've clearly been there, but I want to lovingly invite you to sit with a deep question. What is it actually costing you to stay in that cycle? What are you giving up in order to feel chosen, seen, validated? Even temporarily, because I promise you, your power is so much bigger than someone picking up your tab. And the moment you start pouring back into yourself fully and intentionally is the moment you realize that you were always the prize. No cocktail drink shot needed.

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I want to introduce a little reflection. Exercise. Yes, I have some homework for you guys. I want you to take five to 10 minutes this week to do this exercise with me. Five to 10 minutes. You can do it. So I want you to make a pros and cons list. I'm a huge list fanatic over here. Love making list, love checking things off. But for this, I want you to frame it. My old drinking pros and cons list. So I did one because how can I ask you to do something I have not done myself? And I made a pros and cons list. I'm gonna share it with you. Of course. So under my pros, there were pros. I know what you're thinking, Nadine. There were pros. Yeah, there were pros. I wouldn't have done it. I wouldn't have been outside for so long if there weren't pros. So for my pros, I have, I felt confident. Um, for like 20 minutes, but I felt confident. Um, free drinks, I guess maybe you could put as a pro I wasn't paying for them. Mostly social ease, you know, I always refer to alcohol as a social lubricant, so definitely felt more at ease at times. And that's it. Yeah. That's it. Um, under my cons list, I, I, I mean it's exhaustive, so I'm just gonna share some blackouts, regrets, hangovers, unsafe choices, codependency, shame, spirals. Um, I wrote depression flareups, empty bank account, like Yeah, the math is math here. What I wanted to prove here for myself and for you butterflies at home, is that the costs far outweighed the benefits. So now it is your turn. I want you to write it out. Get honest, and if you feel safe, share it with someone you trust or you can even share it with me. You can DM me, I would love to see what comes up for you. I'm curious and if you have more pros and cons, definitely share that list with me'cause I am super intrigued

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All right, butterflies. Let's wrap this with some fun homework. First up, grab a pen. Open your notes, app or voice memo. If you're on a hot girl walk, I want you to make a pros and cons list of drinking. Yes, I want you to get real with it. What did you really give up and what did you quietly take away? Next, send this episode to a friend. maybe it will spark a convo, or maybe it will. Just let them know that you're thinking about how far you've both come. Then leave a review on Apple Podcast or Spotify. I want it to be true, but I also want it to be five stars. Okay. If you have feedback for me, do not put that on the review. I'm still open to feedback I still want to hear, but don't put that in writing on Apple or Spotify. DM me, email me. Everything's linked below on the show notes, you can find me. Lastly, if you're not already doing so butterflies, make sure you're following me on Instagram at the period Sober Butterfly and tag me with your takeaways. I wanna hear any aha moments you've had from this episode, so please reach out so we can keep this conversation going off mic. Until next time, stay soft, stay strong and stay sober. I love you guys so much. Bye.