The Ghosts of Boyfriends Past: Trick or Treat, Love Edition

In this spooky-fun Halloween episode of The Sober Butterfly, host Nadine Mulvina takes listeners on a chilling (and hilarious) journey through her dating graveyard: revisiting The Vampire, The Magician, and The Mummy 👻. Each “monster” represents an ex from her drinking days who drained her energy, disappeared behind illusions, or stayed emotionally wrapped up in his past.

Now, four years sober, Nadine reflects on what each toxic relationship taught her about self-worth, healing, and the importance of boundaries in sobriety.

✨ What You’ll Hear:

• 🧛‍♀️ The Vampire – The ex who drained her confidence and energy.
• 🎩 The Magician – The smooth talker who made her boundaries disappear.
• 🧻 The Mummy – The emotionally unavailable one who couldn’t unwrap his feelings.
• 💞 Nadine’s new sober crush from Chicago (and how she’s dating differently now).
• 💫 How sobriety gives you the ultimate spellbook for protecting your peace and energy.

Resources Mentioned:

2024 Sober Dating Wrapped

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🦋 Connect with Nadine

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📬 Contact: hello@thesoberbutterfly.com
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✨ Share your “Trick or Treat: Love Edition” story using #SoberTrickOrTreat

Transcript

the-sober-butterfly_5_10-29-2025_073524: 0:00

Hello and welcome back to The Sober Butterfly. It's Nadine and it's spooky season, the time of year when the veil is thin. And so were some of the excuses my exes used to give me before I got sober, my dating life could have been its own horror anthology. The love bombing, the ghosting, the emotional vampires, a few mummies, you know, the emotionally unavailable ones are just wrapped in layers and layers that you're supposed to peel back and one or two zombies that just wouldn't die off. Now that I'm sober, I get to revisit those scary stories with a new kind of clarity and maybe even a little gratitude because each of those. Monsters, I'll call them, taught me something about what I will and definitely won't tolerate in love. So in the spirit of Halloween, we're gonna play a little game. I like to call trick or treat love edition, and I'll be sharing some of my own dating horror stories for my drinking days and we will decide together. Was he a trick? Or a treat. Spoiler alert here, most of them were tricks. So grab your favorite non ALK drink. Get comfy because we're about to dig up some dating skeletons and laugh our way through the ghost of boyfriend's past. Let's get into it.

the-sober-butterfly_8_10-29-2025_074542: 1:26

Okay, let me introduce you to the Vampire Charming at First Bite, the kind of guy who could talk his way out of anything. This vampire I'm thinking of was tall, charismatic, to set the scene back in 2019, this was summertime, I was bored and if you have been listening to the show, you already know. Very dangerous territory. When Nadine is bored, Nadine puts herself into oftentimes chaotic situations. And so I think I had just gotten out of something and I was, never content with being alone before I got sober. Like I always felt like I had to be dating. this vampire and I dated. It was short lived, it was summer. It was a fling, but it was traumatic. The vampire would drain me emotionally, mentally, and I'm gonna get to this part. Financially and then he would vanish until he needed a refill. I was his emotional juice box. And the worst part is I just kept letting him sip, sip my blood.

the-sober-butterfly_9_10-29-2025_075734: 2:35

So the vampire has to be charming. Okay. When he and I started to date that summer, in the beginning, everything seemed ideal., If you guys have seen the movie Sinners with Michael B. Jordan, you know that vampires have to be invited inside, okay? For them to suck you dry, they have to be invited. And so I invited this man in because he presented so well. I'm not gonna invite a vampire in who presents like a bum or like the soulless creature that they ultimately end up becoming, or showing you. So in the beginning, everything was gravy. He was very well connected on the New York Club scene, which at the time was super important to me. Okay. That was a green flag to me at the time that this mid 40 something year old man was well connected and knew every bouncer and had a long history of being on the party scene. Like I'm talking, going to the club three to four times a week. And he presented as though he had all of this money, which also, I'll be honest, was a plus plus for me at the time, like I was very much in my, my, I just wanna date Rich Men era and so yeah, check, check nice car takes me to. All of the hottest clubs in New York. And he was introducing me to all of these different people, Another red flag that I now can clearly see, but at the time I thought it was just amazing was that he was introducing me as his quote, future wife. Okay. He was like, this is Nadine, this is my future wifey I was just like, oh my God. Like he sees wifey material in me. That's amazing. Even though we were just like drinking in the car. Cool. I'm a wife.

the-sober-butterfly_10_10-29-2025_080449: 4:30

When I think about the most toxic relationship I've ever been in, the vampire is who I conjure in my mind because it was the most toxic relationship I've ever been in. I love to sit up on my high horse and say things like, oh my gosh, I don't understand how people get themselves into toxic relationships. Or like, who has time to entertain toxicity? But the truth of the matter is I was addicted to the toxic shit that we would go through because it was so exhilarating. It was enthralling, it was. This constant adrenaline rush, like the chaos that I experienced with him, the back and forth, the push and pull, like the arguing because of this man, I learned the term stonewalling, and if you're unfamiliar with stonewalling, it's basically you getting into a really heated argument or disagreement, and instead of them. Giving you the space to like articulate yourself or talk it out or like, you know, come to a place where it's like, hey, like let's just give each other space if that's what you need. Like, I'm not ignoring you. I just need to think and process. Stonewalling is the opposite of that. It's like, oh no, we have gotten into like the worst heated argument and now I'm going to ignore you. I'm going to block you. I'm going to act like you are non-existent and act like you are not even a person. And he would do that to me every other day. Every other day, like we would be good. We'd have high moments together. We'd have great times and like I'd be like, oh my God, this is my husband. I love this man. And then I would do something and I'm gonna air quote, do something.'cause I wouldn't actually do anything, but I would do something he didn't like and then he would. Emotionally manipulate me by blocking me, ignoring me. Um, sometimes he wouldn't even block me because he liked to see how many times I would call him back to back. And I just know how this sounds like it's ridiculous to think that, like I was calling this man blowing up his phone like 15, 20 times a day, texting him, like, why won't you talk to me? I would never do, I would never do that now. But like then, I, I didn't, I, I didn't like I knew better. I was gonna say I didn't know better. I did know better, but like, I could not help myself. I was just like, how in the hell is this man going to ignore me? Like this stonewalling very effective. Do not do it. I would not do that to my worst enemy. If you don't wanna talk to someone. Tell them, I don't wanna talk to you. But no, he loved to have me pursue him and chase him. Something else to note about the vampire. He was an Aries. Okay. He's the reason why I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever date another Aries again, I'm an Aries. Two Aries. Mm-hmm Mm. We don't work. He had massive temper, so he would blow up on me and then I would react to his blowup. Equally fiery. And then he would be like, fuck you, fuck this and ignore me. Stonewalling. And that would just leave me feeling so depleted. Like imagine I've been worked up so much justify myself like, uh, and for context, a lot of our arguments were nonsensical. Things like they were theoretical arguments. Have you ever gotten into a theoretical argument with someone that's like a real argument? What I mean by theoretical argument is like you guys are talking about theoreticals or hypotheticals that are not real. These are just like things that could happen and then that person runs with it and like they actually get upset and then ensues a real actual explosive argument. So he would get super jealous, even though he's the one partying, he could out party me, which is saying a lot at this time in my life. It's summer 2019 once again to set the scene. So I'm out and about. This is pre COVID, definitely pre sobriety. So I'm outside too, and he's still managing to go out more than me. I'm off as a teacher for the summer. So like, I don't know how he managed to do that, but he was constantly getting upset about men that I could potentially be texting. Like if a guy friend text me, he'd be like, oh, you're fucking him. You're a liar. Like he, he was crazy. He didn't have money. Okay. Even though he was always going around the different cars. This man had four or five different expensive cars. He had a beautiful house on Long Island, but this was not his money. This was his parents' money. This man came up for money.

the-sober-butterfly_11_10-29-2025_081408: 9:07

He grew up on Long Island, very rich. His next door neighbor growing up was LL Cool J. And I know LL Cool J is not cool anymore, but imagine he's growing up in the eighties, nineties. Like LL Cool J is that man and that was his next door neighbor. So like a lot of privilege here, a lot of access. This man could have done so much with his life. In fact, he's like one of five. And all of his siblings are like doing big shit with their life and he's the baby. I typically don't like to date the baby of the family, like men who are the youngest because I just feel like they are just so whiny. Spoiled and entitled and ugh. And he was all of those things. And yeah, his parents still supported him, so all of the money he was flexing on the gram, like fanning out these a hundred dollars bills. Like he's some kind of mobster or like, you know, he's about that life. Turns out it's. Daddy and mommy's money. His only job in life because he is never really had a real job, was to collect rent from. tenants of properties that his parents owned around Long Island they had a vast portfolio of different real estate that they owned throughout Long Island. And so his job was literally to go to some of the less of affluent parts of Long Island to collect the rent. And he would collect rent in cash. I'd actually. Accompanied him on some of those runs. And so when he would collect the cash, you know, people were paying, I don't know what the standard rate was, but like, say 2K in cash and that's what he's fan out, a hundred dollars bills on his Instagram to attract women like, I guess me at the time. So yeah, that's what he did and that's what kind of led me to believe that he actually had his own money, the house that he lived in was owned by his parents. It was a beautiful four bedroom, two story house in Long Island. Not his, the cars not his. So yeah, this man lived a sham. Even though it was mentioned, I was chasing at the time, like status and looking for a man that had money. The irony here lies that I actually started to financially support him in this relationship. I was the one reaching into my purse to pay for him. Like we'd go out to eat and he'd be like, baby, you got this. And I would like a dummy say yes. Yeah, I got it babe. I got you babe. This happened multiple times. Like I don't mind. Covering, you know, lunch, dinner here and there, coffee, whatever. I do believe in balance and you know, I bring a lot to relationships. Ideally, I don't want to be the breadwinner bringing the financial gains to the relationship, but like, you know, I recognize that like it's nice to look out when people are looking out for you, but aside from the first date we went on, every other interaction I had with this man included me paying for him, paying his way,

the-sober-butterfly_12_10-29-2025_081919: 12:17

Another major red flag, or what should have been a major red flag was the fact that he lied about his age. So when I met him, he told me he was like 43 or 44, something like that. And I believed him because why would I, why would you lie? Who lies about their age? I'm like, why? Why are you lying about your age? So there was an instance as mentioned, he liked to party all the time, and he would drive into the city multiple times a week to go to the club. That I wasn't invited to, and then he would usually end up parking by my apartment and then spending the night because he was too fucked up to drive all the way back to Long Island. That was like his ritual. I would play the role as like the supportive girlfriend here,, waking up at three o'clock in the morning and opening the door, letting this man into my bed after he's been doing God knows what in the club. And yeah,, that was our norm in the summer. He would usually not give me notice when he was pulling up and the next day make jokes around like, oh, I'm surprised he didn't have anyone over here already there was one really big fight we got into because there was a night where I slept through his call He called me in the wee hours of the morning. I didn't even know he was going out that night. It was like a Tuesday, and because I didn't answer his call, he assumed that I was with another man and then proceeded to not talk to me for like a week. Just to give you more context, so there was one particular day, I will never forget this, and it was daytime. It was like maybe one o'clock in the afternoon I was at home tidying up, literally. I remember I was like sweeping and someone buzzed at my door and lo and behold, it's the vampire. Now, I had not heard from the vampire. Over 24 hours. But this is not uncommon to our dynamic. I'm just like, here we go again. Like, you know, calling him every hour on the hour. I hadn't heard from him. Thinking like, what is it now? Like, what did I do now? Did I post something? Like, whatever. So anyway, I get this buzz downstairs and it's the vampire, and he comes up and he looks like. Death. Okay. He looks like ship. He had a hospital band around his arm. And I'm like, oh my God. Like where have you been? Like, what's wrong? And he proceeds to tell me that he spent the last day in the hospital because he went out with a friend like he normally does. He went to the club and apparently had too much, and somehow he like lost his phone and then ended up in the hospital. The details are fuzzy. They were fuzzy then. He didn't really know what happened to him, but all he knew was that he didn't have his phone, he had lost his wallet, all of his money because he loves to flex in the club with like. All of his a hundred dollars bills, fanning them out for girls. Like he was robbed, basically. He was robbed, his phone was taken, his wallet was taken. He had like all of this money in there. That was his parents' rent money basically, that he was supposed to, you know, have collected and put somewhere like in a safe. So I'm like, oh my God, poor baby. You poor man. I must take care of you. I'm going to be your safe place. And so literally he gets into my bed and he's sleeping it off. One of my best friends was actually in town visiting New York and. She wasn't staying with me, but I had plans with her later that day to meet up at the Williamsburg Hotel. And so I was like, oh my gosh, I have to like meet my friend, Like, you can stay in my bed. Just sleep it off, babe. I'll go get you something to eat. And when I went and met up with. My friend, Kay, she was with her brother and another guy, and I'm telling them this story. I'm like, yeah, this, you know, guy I'm seeing is in my bed right now. And he tells me that like he lost his phone and wallet and he spent the evening in the hospital and, you know, I have to, you know, get back and take care of him. And everyone's looking at me like I'm crazy because, I mean, I sounded crazy. They're like, what do you mean? And so that should have been the red flag, so after I hung out with him, I went back home and like I mentioned, he's in my bed and I'm like taking care of him, of course. Gatorade, all the things. And I remember he had the hospital bracelet on, you know, he spent the evening in the hospital and I'm looking and I'm like, 1970, blah, blah, blah. Hmm. The math, the math is not math thing. You told me you were 43 and this says you're 48. Hmm. What's up with that? And then he laughed. I remember he laughed at me. He laughed at my face and he is like, oh, oh yeah, I'm 48. I, I tell people I'm 43. I'm just like, you tell people you're 43, I am not people. I'm your right or die. Literally, like, you've almost killed me several times. Like, what are you talking about? And so, yeah, clearly I should have been done with that man then, but that wasn't the end of the vampire.

the-sober-butterfly_25_12-24-2024_142305: 17:38

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the-sober-butterfly_13_10-29-2025_082801: 19:14

what actually got me to nail the coffin was one evening, he called me, he was on his way into the city not to see me, of course, to go to the club. He told me he was going to club. 50 which is Jay-Z's club in Midtown. And he was like, yeah, I'm going with my buddy, blah, blah, blah. Like I had met this buddy before, didn't like him because he was also a party animal and womanizer. But yeah, he tells me he's going to this club. I'm like, okay babe. Have fun I was about to go get my hair done and he was like, oh, send me pictures babe. I'm gonna see your hair. I was like, cool. So I go get my hair done. Five hours later, I'm done with my hair, it looks great. I call him FaceTime him, no answer. So I'm like, okay, what the fuck? I want him to see how good I look, so I get home. Call him again, no response. And my hair appointment was late. I'm not getting back to my apartment until midnight. And I'm like thinking, okay, why have I not heard from the vampire? He could have at least texted me back or called me or whatever. This is like one of the rare occasions we were actually on good terms. And so I proceed to blow him up as I normally do, and no response so I honestly started to get worried because this is following the situation that happened with him being in the hospital. And just like the nurturer in me was like so worried about this vampire. I'm like, he has a drinking problem. And for me at the time to say someone else has a drinking problem is saying a lot. So I'm like, oh, like I'm concerned. Like what if he. Is in another situation where if he got into an accident, like I'm just like, my mind is running wild, like genuinely racking my brain, trying to figure out why I have not heard from him. So I decide naturally that I'm just gonna go to Club 50 for. I'm just gonna pull up to club 50. Why not? Um, it's a Thursday. I look cute. I remember I hit up like a couple girlfriends that might've been down and everyone was like, girl, I can't, it's too short notice. Like whatever. So I was like, fuck it, I'm just gonna go to the club by myself. So, you know, when you get your hair done, you're kind of filling yourself anyway. So I was like, okay, here, check. Just gonna put some makeup on, throw in a little dress, and I'm pulling up to 1250. I take an Uber, I get to club 50, there's a line down the street. In fact, the bouncer I remember wasn't even like outside, like they weren't even taking people in. So reality starts to set in and I'm like, this is crazy. Like even for me, this is crazy. Like I don't even know if this man is still here. Why am I at the club right now? Anyway, bouncer comes. It was one of those like moments where I really was feeling myself because I skipped the line. As soon as he came back outside, I was like, hi, I'm here. I'm looking for my friend. Like can I just come in? And the bouncer looks me up and down. I was like, oh yeah, absolutely. So I got to like skip the line. It was like very fun. Anyway, get to Club 50. Surveying the area. Like you go in, you go down some stairs. I'm like surveying the area, looking for this man. I can't see him. I go so far as to pull up a photo of him and I'm just randomly going up to people in the club like, have you seen this man? Have you seen this man? Oh, so embarrassing. Um, so anyway, looking for this man everywhere. Then I spot him. It was a sight for sore eyes. He looked a hot fucking mess, okay. Pants sagging. This man wanted to be from the streets so badly. That's not your story, babe. Sorry. But anyway, he looks a mess. I remember his pants were sagging. He actually had a hole in his briefs, which was like disgusting. I remember looking at him like, Ugh. Um, and I'm like, oh my God, vampire, I found you. Like, is everything okay? You are not looking so good. Like the lights are not on. His eyes are dead. I'm like, we gotta get out of here. Where's your car? And he's brushing me off. Like, he's like, wait, what? Why? Like, why are you here? Like, what? Like can't even form sentences. And he's like, basically, leave me alone. Like, that's basically what he said. He didn't say leave me alone, but he literally like kind shooed me away. He's just like, wait, why are you here? Like, ugh, like, and I was just like, oh. Oh, okay. Am I embarrassing you right now? In all my glory, I look amazing. So many dudes, in fact, ooh. In fact, Busta Rhymes was there that night. He had a little section and he sent one of his goons to come get me and pull me into his section, and I was like, no, I'm looking for my man. I'm not interested in the Busta Rhymes, but, side, sidebar, Busta Rhymes and the Vampire go way back and they actually have like, quote beef now, now that I know this man, now that I know the vampire, I'm like, okay, did you actually have beef with Busta rhymes? Or like, is this just you digging up your ego, as if this rapper is going to have beef with you? The rich kid from Long Island. Okay. But that's what he told me. So another thing is like I'm so loyal. I'm like, my allegiance is to the vampire. Like I'm definitely not gonna go into Buster Rhymes, rhymes, um, section. So anyway, all of these things happen and one night, um. He shuts me down. I'm embarrassed. I'm like, okay, well seriously, why am I here? I ended up meeting another guy, actually, who I'm still friends with on social, not in real life, but we still follow each other. He invites me into his section and I'm heartbroken. He comes up to me, he is like, oh, why are you by yourself? Why so glum? And I explained to him like, everything that's going on, and he was just like, oh girl, don't even worry about him. Come into my section. He was a really nice guy. so in the interim of me getting shooed away from the vampire and like joining this other guy's section randomly, I lose sight of the vampire. Like he's nowhere to be found. I have lost him. And so now I am done with this club. I have licked my wounds but I am like, I'm gonna follow up with the vampire because he is drunk and I don't know where he went. And like, is he driving? And so I call him a bunch of times and once again he doesn't answer. And the next day I heard from him and he's just like, you're crazy. Yeah. He called me crazy. He ended it with me. He was like, the fact that you showed up. Out of the blue to the club that I told you I was going to be at is too much for me. I'm too much for him. I'm, I'm the, I'm the one in the wrong here. And so, yeah, he ended it with me and I'm so grateful, thank God, because I don't know, I think I, I could've stayed on that ride for much longer had he not done that Now, because he is a vampire and vampires never die. He tried to resurrect himself in my life. He tried to come back into my life, you know, over the course of the next year or so, like he would reach out. But that sealed the deal for me. Like summer's always like intense and crazy and wild. So once September hit and like fall was here, I was like really done with him and I kept in touch with him because like I said, he would reach out from time to time and. I think I actually went out with him one more time. Can't remember if he paid or if I paid, I probably paid shit. Um, but like it was over, it was over for me. I found out in COVID because when the world shut down, you know, you reconnect with people just to check in. And he had told me that he had gotten a DWI and his license was suspended. So yeah, I'm not surprised by that at all because he was reckless.

the-sober-butterfly_14_10-30-2025_072523: 26:51

the verdict is in, and the vampire is 100% a trick. Okay? But I'll give him this. At least he forced me to start protecting my energy. Never again will I play human Red Bull for a grown man.

the-sober-butterfly_17_10-30-2025_180426: 27:14

All right, so up next we have the magician. He is a real illusionist this is the guy who feels maybe like magic up front, but it's still kind of gimmicky. It's a little cheesy. You're not so sure you're into magic tricks. He's coming in hot he's a great love bomber. And the thing about the magician is it really is just smokey mirrors Once you see behind the curtain, I'll say you start picking up that this guy is not serious. So who I'm conjuring as the magician in today's tale is a guy I dated also around the same time as the vampire. This is 2019 again. Wow. 2019, what a year. This guy was performative, right? In fact, his career was in the performing arts. Okay. He was a standup comic. A lot of people know this dude. He's very wealthy, he's very generous with his wealth, with his money, which is a plus. You know, it's not a negative. That's not why the magician is no longer my life. But there was something very like, um, disgenuine about his intentions, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. But yeah, he was kind of cheesy and lame., He was a comic, but I wanna be real and say I, I didn't find him to be very funny. Like I used to go to his job all the time and just like hang out with the comics. And it was just like, honestly, like one of the best times of my life in New York, like the highlight for me of like my twenties and It felt like a very special time to be in New York pre COVID, and the network and the connections I had from this guy. I'll admit and say I benefited greatly from knowing him.

the-sober-butterfly_18_10-30-2025_181903: 29:10

Here's the thing about the magician though. Like it's a good show. What can I say? Like he puts on a good show. While it can be cringe, very cringe at certain points in time, it can also be enjoyable and. I think the magician really cares about presentation. That's pretty much their trick, right? That's their whole gimmick presentation. And so they're gonna present you with amazing opportunities and a good time He was very wealthy, as mentioned and like very generous with that wealth and would share with not just me, like I wasn't even, you know, that special. Like he would share it with pretty much everyone and anyone. He was a, the type of guy that liked to show everyone a good time. So he wanted you to be there at the show and he wanted you to be enjoying the show. But the thing about a magician, I feel like. Guy that's a magician, and forgive me. Oh my gosh., I've had a magician on the show. Michael, I'm not talking about you. Okay. If you're listening thank you for coming on and actually I'll say this, Michael, you're the first cool magician I think I've ever met, but. Thing about being a magician is I feel like you have to, like the origin story of a magician has to come from like a place of despair, which actually Michael, his house burned down. Yeah. Y'all could listen to the episode. I'll plug it in the show notes, or it's like you were just kind of lame. It could be a combo, I guess, of both, I feel as a magician, like there's a lameness to you. Like you, you weren't the cool kid. And that's how you probably found magic. And then like of course you can become a hot magician like Chris Angel, I think is his name. Like he was kind of hot. Yeah, that's cool. But like Chris Angel, I can guarantee was not cool in middle school or high school or like in school period. And then I'm thinking like, oh, the magician probably has some insecurities too, right? You're trying to cover or hide something, and so here, sparkly, look at this. Poof, it's gone. You know, there's a lot of distractions. And for an a DH girl like me, it's oh, one minute you're telling me this and, oh look, now look over here. What's that like? Now you're telling me something else. So yeah, I, I fell for it. And this guy I, I know, had a lot of insecurities and trauma and despair and yeah, like his story was really powerful and like we connected deeply. At certain points in time. And as mentioned, the magician wants to show everyone a good time. So we had a great time together and he would really look out. So I don't wanna undermine him as a person because there was like really great parts to him, but a lot of it was performative. I feel. I feel a lot of it was performative and I would question him, and that's why I wouldn't take him seriously for so long. Is this guy for real?

the-sober-butterfly_17_10-30-2025_180426: 32:07

So during our courtship or his pursuit of me, I wavered and would actually be like, okay, maybe I can take the magician seriously. Like, yeah, I know he's cheesy. I know it's not cool to date a magician, but like whatever he seems genuine and we did have some like good, deep conversations, but there was inconsistency. On both ends. Like I wasn't ever really consistent with him, but it just felt like he. He pursued me for so long that I just assumed that. He would consistently pursue me. And without getting into the specifics here,'cause I'm realizing as I'm telling the story that I don't even feel like reliving the trauma of what ended us. It's Halloween guys. It doesn't need to be that dark right now. I don't wanna get into it, but just know that like things did not end on a positive note. And. He poofed and vanished. Like this is someone that I had known for years and had seen sometimes multiple times a week and for him to just completely disappear after the experience we shared together felt hurtful at the time and. I didn't handle it well, and I, if I could go back, I'll say this, like it's not even a regret, but I do wish that I would have communicated better with him. So that's also on me. But the magician showed me that real connection isn't about grand gestures or like buying things or elaborate displays of affection that are not rooted in true, authentic connection. It's not a performance. It's about showing up when no one's watching. It's about being your true, authentic self and being a true, authentic partner or friend to someone. So my verdict, I don't know, what do you guys think? Is he a trick or is he a treat? He reminded me of like a sour patch. Like first they're sweet, then their sour. Like he would be really sweet in moments. And of course I'm telling the story years later and like I'm highlighting the negative aspects of the relationship, although he wasn't my boyfriend, but like this. Guy, it wasn't all bad. Like if he was all bad, I wouldn't have, um, you know, entertained him for as long as I did. But in saying that, you know, he's not, not a trick like. That's the thing. I think he knows that too. Like there is a duality that like, I guess, coexist at the same time. Like you can be a trick and a treat. So I'm gonna vote this one. The verdict's in, he's a trick and a treat. Okay

the-sober-butterfly_19_10-30-2025_182353: 35:09

the mummy, this one was a slow burn, the complete opposite of the vampire. So there was no drama, there was no chaos. Just, um, quiet confusion. Let me break down the archetype of the mummy. So mummy, think wraps lots and lots of wraps. Okay, lots of layers. This is the kind of guy who seems stable and nice, maybe even a little too nice or too perfect, perfect for you, like not perfect as a person. There is no such thing, but like perfect for you, right? Also, probably no such thing as a perfect person for you. Please don't take dating advice from me at this time. So this is the like emotionally detached guy, and every time you try to get closer to him. Through maybe expressing feelings or defining the relationship, he shuts down and deflects or disappears into his emotional tomb, and then that forces you to try harder. Right. People pleasing, mode activated, but nothing actually changes. And then eventually you realize, oh, he's not bad. He's just unavailable. And you can't fix that whether you're sober or not. And in fact, plot twist, the guy I'm going to summon for today is the guy that I dated last year. So I was sober. The plot Thickens guys, the Mummy was nice. And actually I am also gonna plug another episode From The Vault and recommend you listen to my favorite episode of last year, which was my 2024 dating wrapped episode. I get into it and he is in case you wanna. Piece together the two archetypes. So the mummy in this story is also the best ex of my life in that 2024 dating wrapped episode. So go check it out. Anyway, back to this. The Mummy was. A nice guy, like he made me feel safe, actually, very safe. And that's the scariest part. But also he was so emotionally wrapped up that I could not get through to him. Even if I had like a, a jackhammer, like there was no breaking that molding or whatever the freaking mummy wraps are called. No surprise, by the archetype I gave him in that dating wrapped episode. You know, he was the best exo I ever had and also the last sex I ever had, which is kind of, yeah, that's a different story. Anyway, so I felt connected to him, a connection I hadn't felt in years. And I would ask him, you know, where are we? And he would give me pretty much the same. Every time, which was a non-answer. He was a wordsmith. And so he was very talented with like saying so much, but yet nothing at all. And yeah, that was ultimately the confusion, you know, the quiet confusion that I referenced that was probably the loudest and clearest answer I could get. Right. Um, if it's confusing, there's your answer his non-answer of like, where are we in this relationship? Or like what are we was not, um, ever defined. So he was not my boyfriend, in the past drinking states of my life would have taken his rejection or like non-answer very personally. I would've drank about it and spiraled and text him 1,001 times, like, did I do something wrong? Like, am I the problem? Is it me? But now in sobriety, I can say his inability to commit to me wasn't actually a rejection. And e even if it was a rejection, it's not a rejection of me. It was just information and that information is a data point that I do not need to crash out over. Something that I can't change. This sounds like the perfect time to quote our scripture. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change The courage. Hmm. To change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen. I just have to release things that are nonsensical to me and beyond my control, okay, so the verdict, what are you thinking? Butterflies. The mummy, I'm gonna say he was a treat. Feel free to disagree with me, but like, honestly, I had the best sex I've ever had in my life. I already told you guys that. Um, I have no regrets. I think it served as information as mentioned for me, I'm not immune to. Silly Bitch syndrome. Silly Bitch Syndrome is what I like to refer to. Um, me whenever I like find myself stressing over a man. That's not my man, basically. Anyone can have silly bitch syndrome actually. So just, you know, check in on your friends and loved ones. But it was, yeah, it was a treat. It was, um, great information and now I know better and I do better. I'm doing better. But back to this, okay, the verdict, he was a treat, he was not evil, he just wasn't ready. I don't think he'll ever be ready in his mid forties as he currently stands. Uh, I think 46 years old. But that's not my problem. That's not my issue, and that's okay. You know, if he doesn't wanna be ready for me or for anyone, I wish him well from, you know, 3000 miles away.

the-sober-butterfly_20_10-30-2025_183607: 41:08

Those were some serious Halloween horror stories from my dating graveyard. You're welcome, but don't worry. Up next, I am bringing in the treat from Chicago, so let me catch you guys up to speed. I haven't been dating a ton this year because of. The mummy actually, um, trying to like, heal from that and not rush into the next thing. And beyond that I've been so busy this year has been insanely busy and like, I don't wanna be busy anymore. But yeah, so high functioning depression, busy and healing from mummy. I've gone on dates here and there. In fact, my friend reminded me to fill out my inventory that she sent earlier this year. So I'm gonna link that inventory in the show notes because I am also gonna do a 2025 dating wrapped episode. And that inventory is like data that you track from every date you've gone on. And I have not been billing mine now. So that reminded me. I have gone on dates here and there, but like no one has really been a standout and like I haven't felt excited by anyone until recently. A guy from my past kind of spun the block nothing bad happened, like he was a pretty cool dude. It was 2018. Let's call him Chicago. I have to come up with a real nickname for him, but I don't have one right now. So Chicago came into my life in New York around the time that I was just getting out of a relationship and I was not looking to like enter another relationship. I had just left a long-term one and I was back to like my old party self because in that relationship, while I hadn't slowed down with my drinking, I definitely slowed down with like my partying. So I was right back on the scene. I was so excited to be like single. Sexy, um, at like 27 ish, whatever age I was. And yeah, I was having a time and he came into my life around that time. So like, when we ended things, it wasn't like, because anything happened, we just organically grew into different spaces and whatever we kept in touch throughout the years, but like on some like friend stuff. Never really saw him. COVID happened. He moved out of New York and ultimately he's landed in Chicago. And so he came to New York earlier this month. And invited me out for a quick drink. So I grabbed a non beer with him and caught up. And when I saw him, I was like, oh. Oh, Chicago's sexy, like, oh, hang Chicago. Like, because I hadn't seen him in so long, you know, it'd been years and he was always like very attractive. But like, I hadn't seen him since like end of 2019. He doesn't post a lot on social, which is such a green flag for me. I'm like. Not knowing what to expect. So when I saw him, I was pleasantly surprised and kind of hit it off. Like I was like, oh, I would like to like get to know him better. Like, even though I know him, like get to know him better. Like, you know what I mean? And so. He invited me to come out to Chicago and I did this past weekend and it was a great time. This was also like a good time to plug my Chicago vlog that I made. It's now live on YouTube. If you wanna see seven minutes of my weekend trip to Chicago, it was so much fun. It felt very easy with him and I. Like that. I like that. I like how comfortable I felt being myself around him, and I enjoy myself. I will just say that like I don't want to. Look too far out because I'm in New York and he's in Chicago and I really don't want to do long distance again. Like I actually don't think I can. The Mummy lived in California and that was just so much, it was so complicated. I just don't wanna do that again. We have some barriers there, but like, I feel. A connection and I haven't felt a connection with someone in a long time. And I feel excited by him. I'm trying my best to be like, kind of cool about it because, you know, I'm a public figure. He could hear this. I don't want him to get too hype. Um, but yeah, I, I like, I like him. I like him guys. I like this one. Yeah, I'm gonna leave it on that note because who knows? Next Friday I could be like Chicago, who, but for now I am happy. I'm happy with how I feel. And in fact, when I hop off this, I was gonna say this call, when I wrap this episode, I'm literally going to. Therapy and I'm gonna talk to my therapist about it and kind of make sense of everything. I did make a pros and cons list on the plane on the way home from seeing him this weekend while everything was fresh because you know, no one's perfect, myself included. And just a little like maybe activity for you to try. I'm not gonna say it's a tip, but like I made a pros and cons list right now. The pros are winning, so like that's why I am still, you know. Excited. So yeah, I'm gonna share that pros and cons list with my therapist and see what she thinks. I haven't been in therapy for a couple months and I'm so excited to like get back to it. Get back to it, girl. I have the same therapist and I love her. I missed her. I think that's what I needed. I think I just needed a little bit of space to like really appreciate having her in my life. So she's an amazing therapist.. She helped get me sober. One of the best people that's ever come into my life. But I wasn't sure if like we had hit a plateau and it's more me, not her, like me just like feeling as though like, can I dig deeper? Like can I excavate these parts of my life? Anyway, I'm gonna wrap here. Just know that I'm gonna therapy and I'm excited.

the-sober-butterfly_21_10-30-2025_184533: 47:34

All right, my witches. That is all for today's haunted love confessional. I hope that you laughed at some of my, um, truly tragic exes. If there's one thing I hope that you take away from this episode, the ghost of boyfriends past. That's so hard for me to say. As a girl, you with a lis. Anyway, if there's one thing I want you to take away from my ghost of boyfriend's past or any past chaos, it's this. Those guys, they only have as much power over you as you let them. Sobriety is. Like having a spell book to set boundaries to protect your energy, to choose treats over tricks. I want you to think of sobriety like the, what was that book called In Charmed. I love that show as a kid. Is it The Book of Charms? No, it was the Book of Shadows. The Book of Shadows, okay. Yeah. That's what it is. Like that's your magical spell book sobriety. It's like your super gift that has all of the things that you need, all of the charms and spells that you need to. Vanish these toxic boys away from you. Okay? Whether you're single like me, by the way, I. I obsessed with the new trend I'm seeing on social where it's uncool to have a boyfriend. Like yes, like let's rewrite the narrative it is so cool. Being single sometimes guys, although I, I would like to have. Boyfriend, but the right boyfriend, like only the right boyfriend. Anyway, so whether you're single dating or just enjoying your own spooky company, remember to honor your peace and trust your intuition and maybe have a little fun, maybe take some inspir from me and like have some fun with identifying who's your freaking mummy? Okay. Who's the guy that is emotionally unavailable? Who is your vampire? Who's the guy who sucked you fucking dry? And who is your, what's the other one? I was about to say Werewolf girl. Where and who is your magician that just poofed and vanished? It's like magician slash, I don't know, ghost. Yeah. Break it down. It's a fun exercise. I had fun thinking through the today's episode, and I hope you had fun tuning in. Don't forget, guys, new episodes of the Sopa Butterfly premiere. Every single Friday and you can also look for this episode on YouTube don't forget to leave a review. Follow and if you feel like sharing, please DM me on Insta at the period sober butterfly. If you want to share some of your own sober trick or treat tales, my dms are always open. Love you guys. Let's laugh, heal, and haunt our exes. Lovingly. Of course. I'll see you next week. Bye.