Celibacy in Sobriety

In this intimate and unfiltered episode of The Sober Butterfly Podcast, host Nadine Mulvina opens up about her journey of celibacy in sobriety — from chaotic, alcohol-fueled hookups to a life anchored in self-respect, clarity, and peace.

Before getting sober, sex often felt like a search for connection that always ended in disconnection. Nadine reflects on how alcohol served as a social lubricant, helping her lower inhibitions while deepening her emotional void. She dives into her two distinct hoe phases — from college party culture to navigating machismo in Mexico City — and how those experiences shaped her understanding of intimacy, self-worth, and addiction to limerence.

Now, nearly a year into her second celibacy era, Nadine shares the unexpected benefits of celibacy in sobriety — including heightened clarity, confidence, creativity, and spiritual grounding. With humor and honesty, she explores what happens when you stop seeking validation through sex and start nurturing a genuine relationship with yourself.

This episode is for anyone who’s re-evaluating their relationship with love, lust, or loneliness — and wants to rediscover intimacy beyond the physical.

💫 Episode Highlights

00:00 — Introduction: The Sex List Revelation
00:33 — Celibacy in Sobriety: A New Journey
01:06 — Sex Before Sobriety: Chaos and Alcohol
04:33 — The Hoe Phase: Reclaiming Self
06:08 — Heartbreak and the Hoe Phase
06:49 — College and Party Life
09:45 — Mexico City: Machismo and Heartbreak
16:57 — Therapy and Realizations
18:45 — The First Year of Sobriety
21:36 — Second Celibacy Era
24:07 — Breaking Patterns and Embracing Sobriety
25:42 — Building a Sober Toolbox
26:17 — Contentment and Self-Discovery
27:21 — Navigating Relationships and Self-Worth
35:24 — The Benefits of Celibacy in Sobriety
46:37 — Final Thoughts and Reflections

🧠 Key Takeaways

• How alcohol shaped unhealthy sexual patterns and emotional dependency
• The cultural influence of machismo in Mexico City on dating and self-esteem
• Why celibacy can be an empowering choice for those in recovery
• How to recognize and break addictive relationship patterns (limerence)
• The surprising benefits of celibacy in sobriety: clarity, confidence, creativity, and peace
• Relearning intimacy through self-connection rather than external validation

🔗 Resources Mentioned

🎥 YouTube Video: Sober Sexpert Tawny Lara on Sex in Sobriety

🦋 Connect with Nadine & The Sober Butterfly

🎧 Listen to more episodes: thesoberbutterfly.com/podcast

💌 Subscribe on Substack for behind-the-scenes reflections: thesoberbutterfly.substack.com

📸 Follow on Instagram: @the.soberbutterflypodcast

💬 Join the conversation using #CelibacyInSobriety #TheSoberButterflyPodcast #SoberWellness

Transcript

the-sober-butterfly_3_11-13-2025_060315: 0:00

so the other day I was catching up with a friend and somehow my sex list came up. You know the list we're all adults here. Anyway, I shared my list with him. Wait, I thought there'd be more, he was like, oh, that's not too bad. I thought there'd be more, first of all, that's not a compliment, that's an insult. But honestly, I can't even be mad because before sobriety, like Nadine pre sobriety, she was outside. She was outside. We've talked about it on the show. But in sobriety, things have changed quite a lot, which brings me to today's topic, celibacy in sobriety, why I chose it, what I've learned from it, and honestly how it's helped me heal, and ways that I did not expect.

the-sober-butterfly_4_11-13-2025_060556: 0:52

Let's get into it. Welcome to the Sober Butterfly Podcast. I am Nadine, your host, and today as mentioned, I'm going to be talking all about celibacy in sobriety.

the-sober-butterfly_5_11-13-2025_060906: 1:05

All right, let's open the episode. Talking about sex Before sobriety,, I would like to set the scene and offer some context. My life my sex life. I'll say before sobriety was chaotic, just like everything else actually in my life. At that time, there were euphoric highs and. Bottomless lows, and I have shared this before, but I'll say it again I seriously cannot think of a single time where I hooked up with someone for the first time without being under the influence of something. And I've shared specifically in the episode with Tawny, the silver sex expert. I'll plug it in the show notes for you guys in case you missed it. But we openly discussed this idea of like how, if you have any sexual trauma or if you have any sexual insecurities, which a lot of us do have. And then specifically her and I share this common thread of body dysmorphia and not necessarily feeling very confident in our bodies and those insecurities very much. Show up in our intimate relationships. And so alcohol for me acted like a social lubricant of sorts to where I could really have more of an outof body experience and show up in the bedroom bolder and braver in ways that I just normally could not, and like to be honest with you guys, let's really go there. Like I would use alcohol as a way to get my freak on, not like a freak off, not like Diddy style, but get my freak on.'cause I felt very like self-conscious about, for example, like my number, like that sexist that I have that running record in my phone. I've had that for years and every time I had to add like a new body to that list, I would feel very self-conscious about it. So alcohol, I felt, gave me permission to lower my inhibitions, lower my threshold, and just say, fuck it. Because I wanted to fuck that person, but like I needed or felt like I needed an excuse to go there. So alcohol really served me in that capacity until it no longer served me in that capacity until I realized that. I was actually craving connection, but just settling for sex. I wanted the steak. And I was like, literally, accepting baby shrimps. I thought that the physical intimacy would feel the emotional emptiness that I felt. For a long time, but of course it never did. Like that physical connection cannot supplement an emotional void. In fact, I would say it deepens it, it worsens it. And the wild thing is when I look back, I can see how often I. Conflated the chaos for chemistry. Like I thought the more dramatic something was, the more passionate the more real it was. And I still kind of struggle with that if I'm being honest with you guys to this day. Love bombing is my love language to a certain extent. Like I am part of the problem. So yeah, confusing intensity for intimacy was a common narrative or theme in my life at that time. And. Something that I consistently have to check in with myself about because I know this about myself and it's something that even though I'm now sober, I'm still not like immune to that. So yeah, it's an ongoing process.

the-sober-butterfly_6_11-13-2025_061515: 4:33

Let's talk about the HO phase, because we've all had one., Maybe more than one in our lives. And if you haven't had a whole phase, what are you doing? What are you doing? Like you should totally have a whole phase in your life. I like to think of the hoves as like a reclaiming of self, like a homecoming. You realizing that you don't have to adhere to whatever societal pressures or conform to the norms of what a woman should be the virtuous, pious. Virgin or whatever, I grew up in the church, so very clear archetypes in terms of what a woman should and should not be, what a lady should and should not be, I should say. And for a long time I subscribed to those beliefs. And then there was a point in time where I no longer could quell the fact that I was a very sexual being. We're mammals of the end of the day. Okay. Lemme talk about the criterion for having a ho phase because there usually are like common traits or like catalysts that spark this ho phase. I'm like a social anthropologist. Like I can think of defining times where my friends have also had ho phases and usually what predates a whole phase is like a major heartbreak. Like you are just heartbroken and that could be because you just got out of a relationship or you could just be sick of it. Like you could just be so sick of men because they were just so disappointing. That's another predecessor, or like precursor, I should say, to the whole phase where it's like you are just so over these men. So anyway, two very distinct ho phases and both situations included me being heartbroken over a man. And another common ground here is like neither of those men that I'm referencing or thinking of were my man. They weren't actually my boyfriend, which is actually one of the most heinous. Humiliating genre of heartbreak. I was just always boy crazy and sad about. Some flavor of the month and then I get over it and the best way I would get over it was to get under someone else. Like I would actually recite that with my friends. Another one bites the dust. Let's go to the bars. We'll find another player. Like it's fine. I realized, upon graduation, that I had never actually had a boyfriend, like a real boyfriend in college. So all four and a half years of me being a student at FAMU I never really had a serious steady boyfriend. Now was that by choice or by design? It's hard to say, the ratio. Between men and women, like it was predominantly female campus. I forgot the statistics,, but let's say it was like 60 40 or 65, 35. Like it was pretty noticeable in terms of the gap between the men and women. So like that first of all, made it extremely advantageous for the men. And then also I was a party girl. There were very specific archetypes of people in college and I was easily classified as a party girl. But here's the thing, there's also different types of party girls. Like I was the party girl that would pass out. Like even though I was outside, I wouldn't be able to Continue to go to all the after moves and then be ready to hook up with anyone. Like I was mostly like passed out on a couch, like there are many photos of me passed out on couches and like my friends hanging out still and me literally blackout. So like I wasn't the girl hooking up. There are girls who like, party and then they're like DTF. In college, I wasn't like the DTFI wasn't down to fuck. I was like down to pass out, pass the fuck out. That's what I would do. So I didn't have a label of being quote like a ho, but I definitely had like my sneaky links. I had my people that like I could call if I wanted to. But yeah, it was a very special time. So it it wasn't catastrophic. Like my whole phase in college was just like a culmination of just different people, random hookups here and there. Spring break always I think every spring break I hooked up with someone. College, Jesus. Just like thinking about how gross that is. Anyway, so like that was college and then the other phase I had was 2021 yeah, that one obviously more recent, but a lot more dark. Like it wasn't a fun ho phase, like college was like fun and flirty and freeing. 2021 COVID ho phase was sad. Like I'll be honest, I was heartbroken over a man, who wasn't my boyfriend. And he said to me, let's just be friends. And I heard, oh, you hate me and you wanna ruin my life. So I did what any emotionally unregulated girl would do. With a drinking problem and I turned to my ride or die, which was alcohol. And while the world was in lockdown, I was a fuera, which is Spanish for outside. I was going out all the freaking time, so in the start of 2021, I had been in Mexico City for six months or so. So I already had an established friend group at that time and like I was going out. All the time meeting random guys, usually friends of friends. And like the scene in Mexico City is just so crazy.

the-sober-butterfly_7_11-13-2025_062737: 10:01

If you've ever spent time in Latin America you know that machismo energy I'm talking about, like it's very real. It's everywhere. It's in dating, it's in nightlife. Even casual conversations. And if you don't know what machismo energy is, it's like this hyper masculine culture where men are encouraged to chase and women are expected to be, I guess, flattered by that. Personally, I will be honest and share the privilege that I received as an outsider in this environment. Was the benefit of like never having to pay for anything like that is a foreign concept I feel like, to American men, especially in 2025, and maybe it's regional depending on where you live. In other parts of the country where I've spent some time Florida, Georgia, like the South, men are more inclined to want to just cover the bill. But up north I find that a lot of men, even if they got it, like even if they have it, it's not customary for them to pay a bill. For every single person at brunch, for example, or at dinner or at the club, that is the norm there. I never paid for anything, imagine you pull up and you're seated with 20 people and there's hookahs and everyone's eating and drinking and like shots of mezcal literally limitless items. Just like racking up. And the bill is just taken care of, the men would get together and split the bell for everyone. And it was like amazing. I'm not gonna lie, I loved that part. But obviously that comes with conditions. There was no such thing as a free. Hookah. They would cover the bill and like I didn't have to hook up with anyone. That wasn't the expectation. I wanna be clear about that. But now I'm fucked up. Now I've been drinking, you know, 15 shots of mezcal maybe that's an exaggeration. Maybe that's not, and I am, obliterated. I'm not in my. Right state of mind. Of course. And this guy is, whispering sweet things in my ear, and I think he's cute and he has a like accent. And now we're going to the afters. That's another thing about Mexico City. There is always an after move. The after parties were so much fun, if this sounds like I'm romanticizing my drinking, I'm not but I did have good times. I won't lie, like I wouldn't have been outside for so long if I was miserable the entire time. So there were definitely good moments. The ones I can recall. And at the time as someone who was heartbroken over a man who wasn't even my man, which by the way, That rejection really fucked up my psyche in many ways. And I realize now it was all ego. That whole situation was ego. Like it was not love. Like I thought I was lovesick. No, my ego was fractured because it was already really frail and it didn't take much to break it when it was basically in shambles to begin with. And it's because I just. Attached so much of my worth to my physical appearance at the time, and like I just couldn't understand why a man wouldn't want to date me, and so I acted out in a way that I thought was a small win. And I felt like I was seeking validation in some kind of way. And that machisma culture that I was in made that really easy for me. Like everywhere I went, I was catcalled, I was offered drinks, I was told I was beautiful. And also imagine like I'm a black girl, like I think there are more black people in Mexico City. But there was a time I'm a lis girly, so like I probably have this list somewhere in my notes app, but I would keep like a running tally of every black person that I saw in Mexico City. Over the course of me living there for a year, I really should go look to see if I still have that. But it wasn't a lot. It was definitely under 50. And I've heard since, you know, COVID, there are a lot more black people that live in Mexico City and I love that because. Mexico City, hands down easily. My favorite city in the world, like I would live there again in a heartbeat, but something I did miss was like more diversity in terms of like black people if I'm being real. So anyway, as a black girl, I definitely stood out and like I felt like a lot of the men, oh, one thing, fucking Mexican men do very well. Like maybe this is more just like speaking to that machismo culture. Sweet. Nothings, oh my God, these men, the most poetic in the world. If I go to my WhatsApp, I'll probably find like messages of like men professing their deepest, most profound love. Like you would think that we were star cross lovers, like we knew each other. Many past lives like it was giving that level of you are my person. And that for someone who is just so broken, was music to my ears? That's what I needed to hear. And you know, the first time that happens to you and you know you fall for it, shame on you. The second, third, five, 10, 15th time that happens. Girl, it's on you now. Like that surface level tery from a man who you know is not emotionally available or maybe even. Available period, because a lot of men in Mexico City that I met at that time were living double lives. Okay. Definitely had a wife and kids at home, like that type of deal. I did not know that when they were courting me, of course. But I would come to find out because the gossip that the gossiping in Mexico City like that's next level, I miss these girls. I miss Mexico clearly. Anyway I would learn all of these men's profile after the fact. And with time I did get a little bit more discerning around okay, I know I heard about this man. I'm not gonna hook up with him, but I was definitely outside is the point I'm making. Like I was hooking up with men who were whispering. As mentioned, sweet. Nothing's in my ear and I was falling for it partly, but then there was a point in time where I just didn't care anymore. And that's where the whole phase really came to life. Like when you just don't give a fuck anymore because of X, Y, Z. Like I could point the finger and say it was the heartbreak, but the reality was, no, it was me. I was broken. And I was using men as. A way to fill that void, but it wasn't working. And alcohol of course, played a huge role in that. However, there were just so many moments where I woke up the next morning, like in someone else's bed, and I'm just like, uh, I hate this. I hate this feeling. I don't wanna be here. Whether the guy wants to pursue something with me or not this doesn't feel good for me. And at the time I was lying to myself and you know, saying that I felt empowered. I was reclaiming my body, my confidence, my freedom. But looking back, it's so obvious that I was operating from a place of lack. Like I was drinking too much. I was sleeping too little. I was confusing that male attention for self-esteem. The irony is that in a culture where men are taught to dominate, I thought playing their game would make me powerful. Instead, it made me disconnected from my body, from my intuition, from myself. And when I finally admitted to my therapist that I was going home with strangers, strange men, basically, blackout drunk, she didn't shame me, And at this time she kept asking me like what my relationship with alcohol was. That was like one reoccurring question. But right before, like I would say one of my rock bottoms, I've had more than one. It was after I had a a bender of sorts, I'll call it. It was definitely a bender. It wasn't a bender of sorts. It was a bender. It was 20, like four plus hours of me being awake, partying, drinking. I hooked up with someone and we just kept going, like into the next day. And when I told her about that, like I, oh. It kind of sucks actually. I'm getting like a visceral feeling in my body, like how I felt after that day of nonstop partying and like mixing drugs. And like when I told her about the next day, I was still wired. Anyway, when I reported that to my therapist, I remember in my body just like how. Disgusted I felt with myself and how empty I felt. I did not care. If I lived or died, like I, I just did not care. I felt so sick and ashamed of myself and I remember my therapist just said to me like, you are not broken. You're lonely. And that's when something shifted, I think that's when I realized that I wasn't being liberated. I was just completely lost.

the-sober-butterfly_8_11-13-2025_064337: 18:38

so after that terrible experience, I honestly didn't wanna be in Mexico anymore. Like I felt like it was time to come home. And I shortly thereafter, moved back to New York and then got sober that summer and during my first year of sobriety. My therapist suggested that I take a break from dating not forever, it was just a long enough to actually sit with myself. Because here's the thing guys, When you get sober, that is layer one. That's step one. That is a big step, like not gonna minimize that huge, amazing here are your flowers, but that's really where the work begins. And like most people don't realize that myself included. So phase one was like, okay, I'm not gonna drink, but like then who am I? Who are you without your coping skills? And trust me when I say alcohol was my main coping mechanism or tool that I would reach for. And. I did not love the idea of just sitting with myself sober. The thought of being alone, like actually really alone, terrified me because if I wasn't chasing something or someone, then I had to sit with my feelings, and the early sobriety feelings were pretty loud. I did it, you know, I've talked about it on the show, and then I entered what I would call like my. Conscious cleanse era. So for the entire first year of my sobriety, my sober anniversary date is July 5th, 2021. So that entire first year I was like not dating, like I wasn't even on the apps. I wasn't going to dinner. I wasn't late night texting anyone. I really genuinely spent that time in therapy. I was journaling, I was traveling, and really just learning for the first time what it means to like self-soothe, not rely on outside things to help me process my internal feelings. And that was not an easy process. There were definitely nights where I felt lonely. But I did start to notice some patterns and specifically how often I used attention as validation or how I confuse attraction with like compatibility. That first year of celibacy really helped me break down the addiction of the high. Of being wanted. And a lot of that stems from daddy issues you know, feeling like I need to prove my worth or that external validation for men you know, textbook daddy issues over here. So after about a year of taking that break I received clearance from my therapist to start dating again, and I decided to do that. So I got back on the apps, I got into a relationship. And so that broke the first sober celibacy era I'll call it. Fast forward to now, and I'm actually coming up to. A year of celibacy again. This time though, it was less intentional. This time it was less planned. If I'm being honest, after my last situation ended, I just did not have the emotional bandwidth to date. Like I needed a detox and my last situationship ended officially, I would say officially ended in like February of this year, but I hadn't actually seen him since November of last year. So November of 24 was the last time I saw him, but we dragged it out until January, February of this year. So once that ended. And I've talked about it on the show. Listen to my 2024 dating wrapped episode, my favorite episode from last year. I've gotten some real hate from that episode from men. By the way, who listened to that episode, who were featured on that episode. That's another story. But he's not one of the men I received tape for from, I should say, he was the best sex I ever had. So imagine having the best sex you've ever had and like that not working out. So like that, just to really give you a clear picture, like the best s sex and the last sex I ever had was with this guy. And. Yeah, so after that I just needed a break. I just needed a detox. That coupled with my high functioning depression this year, I was just like, whoa. It's been a time, it's been a year and this time it feels different because it's not that I'm avoiding connection. I'm just not forcing it. And I think that is a clear distinction. In therapy, I also learned that I myself can be a bit avoidant. I can be emotionally avoidant. I like to choose people who are emotionally unavailable so that I can blame'em. But it's the flags are on the field, like it's very clear, these red flags, you can spot them from a mile away, babe. Like you're choosing these men who are telling you straight up that they are not looking for anything serious and you're hearing challenge accepted. I will be the exception to this rule that you've clearly laid out for me. So that was something I was doing. And then like chasing that, like I like to chase too, like I like that external validation from men as mentioned. I feel like I have to earn love. I hope it's clear to you now. Like all of these things are coming together, right? This is my situation in life. So like I'm trying to break those patterns and this time, this go now I have more sober time under my belt. I've learned a lot more things about myself as mentioned as I just shared with you. And this time I'm, like I said, I'm not like avoiding connection. I'm just not forcing it. There's a piece that comes with not performing, or not pretending or not participating in the prove your worth, Olympics, or campaigning as I like to call it, like campaigning, vote for me, pick me like, no, that energy is ugh, disgusting, first of all, but also it's just not necessary. I am content. I think that's the key difference, like that first go in CE celibacy. In that first year of sobriety, like everything was new, right? Like I needed to completely relearn who I am without alcohol or substances, right? Like I, I was a baby basically. And then I, you know, achieved a lot of firsts since that first year of getting sober. And that first year of celibacy, like having sex sober once again. Hadn't done that before These were all like big milestones for me and now that I have those milestones under my belt, I feel like I've built up a lot more tools in my like metaphorical, sober toolbox, right? To where I feel. I can reach for things in my time of need, and quite literally in my sober toolbox like it's a metaphorical toolbox, but it can also be a physical one. And I've been wanting to put together a physical sober toolbox. So I'm gonna do that now that I'm talking about it. On the show. So holding myself accountable here, but what would I put in my real, like tangible, sober toolbox? I would fucking put a vibrator. Your girl will put a vibrator in there, and I recommend that you do that too, because my vibrator has never failed to find my clitoris. You know what I mean? It has a nine out of 10 success rate for making me, you know, so I. I literally have all of these tools at my disposal, I'll call them. And yeah, so I feel like I'm so content with myself, not just like physically content with myself, but also just like content with my own company. Like I've never been. Someone who needed someone else to do stuff with. I've always been game to go eat at a restaurant by myself or go to the movies by myself or travel the world by myself. It baffles me that people don't do things by themselves. But I think the key difference is like now I'm like, if I go somewhere. I'm not going with the expectation of I'm gonna meet my future husband here.'cause I think that's a chop I've definitely fallen in. I'm like the eternal optimist I still believe in love like where the hell is my husband? Like seriously, it's ghetto out here come. But in the meantime, while I'm waiting, I'm gonna have a good time. And if there's no one to have a good time with, that's cool. And I have a lot more discernment now around like how I spend my time because I'm so cool with my own. Company, like maybe a little too good with my own company, if I'm being honest. Like I don't know if it's healthy. There was a man in my apartment yesterday. We were watching a movie together and it was literally a Netflix and chill situation. Like from my end there was like no vibes there. He was trying, but very respectfully, not trying too hard, which I appreciate. Like he didn't try and kiss my. Lips, but he was like kissing my hands and stuff and holding my hands, which is fine. But while he was here I was like, why is there a man here? Like, why the hell is there a man here? Like I think I'm more on some. Friendship tip and like going back to even like the guy in Chicago that I saw a couple weeks ago, that's why we're calling him the guy in Chicago. He and I like, we didn't have sex obviously. I'm telling you, I'm still coming up to my one year of celibacy, like next week. I think it would be a year. Officially, I have to look through my albums to when I went to Sonoma to see that guy last year. But anyway I realized, I'm like. Dude, this is so much growth for me'cause he's here and I feel like it's not a question of does he like me? He does to answer the question. But it's more of a do I like him? I'm jumping, I'm sorry. I went from the Chicago guy to the guy here last night. It, this applies to both men. Okay. The guy who I watch a movie with, we watch Frankenstein here. He's someone who I've gone on some dates with, but actually, I thought he was like a little too slow to the kiss. Like we have not kissed, we've gone on three or four dates, mostly daytime situations. So I'm like maybe the environment didn't call for it or he didn't feel like it was appropriate, but like last night could have been his chance to make a move. But I'm actually really glad he didn't because I don't know if I like him. That's the thing. I don't know if I like him and that is so much growth for me because I am actually questioning my feelings in this. Like it's not about him. It's about me. Do I like him? And I don't know, like he hasn't done anything yet for me to say I don't like him. And he's done some things that I'm like, oh, I like that he does that, but do I like him? Questionable. Same for Chicago guy. Like Chicago guy. I literally wrote a pros and cons list for him, and his pros right now are outweighing his cons, but. I don't know if I like him. And when I was debriefing with some of my girlfriends, one girlfriend, Kay in particular was like, I'm so proud of you. Well first she was like, I don't think you like him. Multiple people have told me that. And I'm like, well, it's not even that I don't like him as I'm like reporting like how the weekend went or like how my correspondence has gone with him since. I'm like, it's not that I don't like him, it's just that like I don't think he's done anything yet to make me like him and. I like that. For me, I really like that energy for me, and she was like, I'm so proud of you that you like. Don't seem to be pressed or phased. I forgot the word she used, but that was the essence of what she was talking about. She's you're so chill right now. Who is she? I'm like, yeah, she is four years sober. That's who she is. Like I, it's not that I don't give a fuck, but like I just think there's so much pressure we put on ourselves as women to have it all figured out and it's like a big part of it is not really up to us. Yes, I can do things. On my end to try to attract a decent partner for myself, and I'm doing those things. I could be doing it better. I could be putting myself out there more, but I'm content. I'm just content in life and I'm not gonna let all of these societal pressures around like biological clocks and, feeling like I have to have it all figured out by my next birthday, which is 35, which is like now I'm literally going to be in my mid thirties. I'm already technically in my mid thirties at 34, but you know, I can kind of skirt like, do you guys know when you do this demographic thing? Sidebar every now and then I have to fill in those like demographic things. If I'm signing up for something and it's like they appropriate the different age groups and I am still checking. I know this 18 to 34 is like a big group, so now I'm afraid to go to the next level, but I'm not actually afraid because I heard something yesterday that I will share with you, which is if you're not aging, you're dying. You're dead. You know? So like it is truly a gift to be getting older. So like I have to remember that I'm not afraid of aging. I'm going to age with grace. I'm doing that. Quitting alcohol has helped. Significantly with slowing down some of the negative impact I was putting on my body and everything in my life at the time. So anyway back to this, I'm not afraid of aging. I'm like, whatever, dude. If I'm supposed to get married and have kids, then that will happen. Okay. But me stressing over here. It's not gonna help the situation. Me settling for someone simply because I am scared of being alone or I'm lonely, is not helping anyone because let me tell you guys, I have never felt more alone than when I've been in some relationships, okay? I've never felt more. Disconnected for myself, them being in a relationship with someone that I had no business being with. So reminding myself of that and also. Gratitude, like taking inventory of all of the things that I have or things that I've prayed for and like really sitting in this present moment and being grateful for that and expressing that. Like literally giving the praise and giving the glory to God or what? This is obviously taking many tests and turns here I am preaching now, but just thinking about like where you are in life and like thinking about how much worse it could be. Also just thinking about how much God has protected me from men that I thought I desperately wanted to be with, that I prayed for. I prayed for all my knees. God, please gimme this man. I'm so grateful. He was like, no girl, no, Nadine, sit down, go to bed. You don't need this, man. I'm so thankful for that. So what do I look like settling at 34? That's the reframe. I'm like, why would I settle for a man? What? If you're not adding or contributing value to my life, and I don't care how that sounds like I, I mean that in so many different aspects. But if you're not adding value, then I don't have time for you. Like I'm enjoying myself. Please don't disrupt my peace like I am quite content until my husband shows up. So yeah, I'm just feeling really good about waking up, calm and not checking my phone first thing in the morning, and my nervous system not being in this like fight or flirt mode 24 7. It is blissfully quiet over here. And yeah, I have my toolbox, so I'm good. I'm good until someone shows me why it would be good. And I think that's another piece that I learned. My therapist recites this as well, so we'll not take credit for this, but she says to kind of neatly wrap the whole phase to like the celibacy phase of life, like with a bow. She says, when women open their legs, they open their heart. When women open their legs, they open their heart. Now. Is that sexist? Probably. Do I agree with her? Yes. Uh, for myself personally, I've realized from lived experience when I over my legs, all of a sudden I develop feelings for these men. Now, some people can have. Completely emotionless sex. And I think I've done that too, but it's also not like as good because I'm not like excited by the person. Like for me, a big part of getting my freak on or getting like super wet is when I'm like actually attracted to someone, whether that be physically, emotionally. Intellectually, spiritually, like all four, like all of those things, makes it even better. So like the more I like someone, usually the better, better the sex is. And like I just haven't been excited by anyone. So it's like, why would I start to spiral over a man that I'm not even excited by? So yeah, I'm gonna be celibate for I guess an indefinite period of time. And that's okay.

the-sober-butterfly_2_11-14-2025_055357: 35:20

Okay, winding down this episode of the Soap Butterfly. I wanna talk about the benefits of celibacy in sobriety. A very quick breakdown, just in case you're not convinced, I mean, I'm not actually trying to convince you. Do what you want, girl. I recommended earlier that you should have a hoe phase. Remember that. So definitely not out here preaching that we should be celibate. I just wanna share the benefits that I've experienced in case there are any lingering questions. So before I get into the deep stuff, I'll start with the most obvious. I have so much more time. Time being the greatest currency in life. I didn't realize actually how much of my mental and emotional energy was being spent on men men who were just like undeserving of that energy, If I wasn't like with him in person, I was thinking about him. I mean, limerence is real. I've talked about limerence. That's actually what prompted the first period of celibacy anyway. I was always thinking about a man, And when you stop, you know, texting, analyzing, scrutinizing, every word you've ever said and overthinking that, waiting, hoping, plotting your life just opens up tenfold. You can reclaim so much time, so many hours, days. Years of your life, you're reclaiming that time. And it's more than that. When I became celibate in sobriety, I learned how to be in a relationship with myself. Okay. And it's not like the corny self-love era way people talk about online. Really being in a relationship with myself, learning my patterns, confronting my loneliness, understanding what my body and spirit actually need, and not just what my ego was craving or calling. When you remove sex from the equation and sometimes even dating, you start to see yourself and other people so much more clearly. Without all of the distractions.'cause that's what they can be at times, like the talking phase or the late night dopamine hits. You can't really hide behind the fantasy. And then you can start to see maybe like your triggers or your desires or your avoidant tendencies. You see the truth and in sobriety that kind of like clarity is gold because when you've spent years numbing, whether that be alcohol or with attention, even. Being clear and grounded feels like very revolutionary. So the first benefit I would say is clarity. The second thing I noticed was confidence and not the sexy confidence I used to chase from that external validation I've talked about, but a more quiet, more grounded content kind. The kind that. Says, you know, I don't need to be chosen to be valuable or feel valuable. And when I stopped performing femininity for male attention or male approval, I started to do things just for the sake of doing them for me. I know groundbreaking. A great example of that would be like my fashion choices, like I think I'm actually way more fashionable. Now that I've decent men in my life I wear what makes me feel good and I love when like my female students especially compliment my outfits. I'm like, oh my God, a teenager thinks I look good. That is like the highest form of approval, the highest form of compliment in my opinion. Anyway my confidence has even shown up in like other aspects of my life, even with. Work. And like my creativity, like thinking through this podcast, sharing what I want to, because I want to create things that feel aligned, not because I'm trying to impress someone, not working from a place of fear. Oh my God, I can't talk about this man, because there's a chance he can hear about it. I could give a fuck if a man hears about it. Like in fact, I want you to hear about it. Like you should get to know the roomie. So that kind of confidence really like radiates differently. And I think like taking a break, a detox for men is a great way to find that piece, especially if you're more performative like me. And like I've shared, I've been in the past. Next step. I have energy. And by the way, these are not in any particular order. Like all of these are key learnings or key discoveries I should say, i'm like, oh my God, are just so relevant and so real energy. Sexual energy is creative energy. It's a life force energy. And when you stop giving it away to people who don't pour back into you. You are naturally channeling that energy elsewhere. And for me, that energy has gone into creative projects like the Sober Butterfly. I have more stamina to create, to plan, to travel, to dream. And I think the celibacy honestly has just made me more focused. Back to the clarity piece and not obsessing over men who are not my man. And like all of the things are connected, right? The confidence to not feel like I have to prove my worth. Like everything is connected, so yeah, that energy that I'm now conserving or redistributing to other parts of my life feels powerful and it is a true benefit Because it's giving me the momentum to examine other aspects of my life or other areas of my life that I've avoided or haven't given as much care and attention to, which has helped me actually bringing me to my next benefit. Healing. It's helped me heal It's really helped with healing because celibacy in sobriety has created a space for me to actually feel. When I used to numb and I realized how often I was using sex as a coping mechanism as well to distract, to self-soothe, to escape, like those are the three common themes I used alcohol for as well. So when that option was gone, I had no choice but to sit with my emotions to cry, to reflect, to think things out in therapy instead of in bed with someone who couldn't handle me sober. So like those hoe phases I used to have when I was drinking. I have no doubt could have followed me into my sobriety, which is why I'm so grateful that I used my first year of sobriety to also detox men because addiction replacement is real, guys and once I learned how to have sex sober and how amazing it actually feels to orgasm and just the intensity of that shared energy when you are not under the influence of a substance like that, oh, like sober sex. If somebody had just told me how amazing sex would feel sober once you actually like. Like the person and like you have that deep connection. If somebody had warned me or told me about that, I probably would've, you know, gotten sober sooner. I feel like we should probably, as sober people, like we should use that as our way to attract new members into our community. Join us because the sex is like truly mind boggling. And I think had I discovered that. Too soon in my recovery journey and my sober time, I don't know, maybe I would've used that as addiction. Potentially, that could have become an unhealthy coping skill. I know that in aa, in like traditional recovery spaces, they don't recommend dating or having, I guess, sex as well for your first year, but more so because if it goes. Badly then that could obviously exponentially increase your risk of relapse. So like I get that piece, but I'm also wondering now if they're like, oh no, if they discover how good sex is in sobriety, like they might become addicted to it and then we're gonna have too many members in our like sex AA group. Okay. How did we get here? Healing. Yeah, And I would say the last, like I. Benefit, and this is not an exhaustive list, so not the last benefit of celibacy in sobriety, but more so like the biggest impact would be, I would say, like the connection piece, like the spiritual side of it. Celibacy has this way of connecting you with your intuition, and then when you're not entangled with someone else's energy you begin to start to hear your own voice again. You make decisions faster, you trust yourself more. You start to realize that like that piece that you've been searching for in other people is actually inside of you. It's been there the hoe time, and I truly believe that being celibate in sobriety has sharpened my intuition. It's made me more discerning, not just in love, but in life, who I let near me, like that energy I allow myself to consume and where I'm placing my energy. All of that is in connection to, yes, sobriety, but beyond that, like celibacy, truly like taking time to get to know myself, and that's ultimately what it is. I think for me, like the celibacy is like using that timeframe to get to know me better. I am not. Going to join a convent. I'm not gonna be celibate for the rest of my life. Like I wanna be clear, I'm not waiting before marriage. Like I'm not that girl. So like in case I wasn't clear, in case I wasn't clear, like I'm not waiting to get married because like I said, in these conditions, in these times that we live in 2025 in the city that I live. I think this is actually for the girlies everywhere. It's hard. You think I'm gonna wait until I get married to have sex again., If anything, I'm like salivating at the mouth of romanticizing sober sex in my mind. I'm like, wait, why am I salivate? Why am I salivate? Just going back to how amazing sex feels. Sober, but okay. I lost. I am still celibate. I'm gonna at least make it to my one year, dammit. Which is like next week. And like I said, there's just no one I'm excited about enough right now to be like spiraling over, because inevitably that's probably what's gonna happen if I hook up with them and it doesn't work out. No, that's bleak. That's bleak. I'm not that girl. I'm an eternal optimist. Remember like I actually believe that it's all gonna work out and I'm gonna. Lay with an amazing person next, and it'll be because it's a connection that we've built and I feel like they see me and value me and want me and love me. Okay. I'm ending the show. I'm ending the show. Yeah. Guys, thank you so much for listening to today's episode of the Sopa Butterfly Podcast. You thought you were coming just to hear about celibacy and sobriety and you got a hoe lesson on the hoe phase. So you're welcome.

the-sober-butterfly_22_11-07-2025_071026: 46:57

if you have fun today, please rate and review the Soap of Butterfly on Spotify or Apple. It helps more people find the show and yeah. Until next Friday, stay cozy. Stay grounded. And remember, you don't need to, you don't need a drink to feel like you don't need a drink this month or any month. You just need good snacks, good lighting, and good boundaries. See you guys next week. Bye.